It’s not easy being the family member who feels differently or like they don’t belong. It can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. But, instead of trying to fall in line with what your family expects, which will just lead to resentment, try to embrace what makes you unique. Here are 15 tips to stop struggling and let your black sheep flag fly!
1. Validate yourself instead of seeking approval.
No matter what your family thinks of you, you don’t have to continue defending yourself to them or calling them out for what they do to hurt you. Look, it’s draining and only adds more stress to your plate. The best way to deal with the situation is to remember what makes you unique and special. When you focus on your truth, you don’t have to try to persuade others to see it.
2. Express to your family how you feel.
Just because you’re trying to celebrate your differences, it doesn’t mean you should bottle up your feelings. It’s good to communicate your feelings with your family when you get the chance, especially if you want to improve your relationship. Use “I feel” statements to get your message across, such as, “I feel hurt when you say that I’m irresponsible/unreliable” or “It upsets me when you bring up bad things I did years ago.”
3. Focus on your similarities.
Although you might feel completely different from your family in terms of your traits, lifestyle, or values, there is common ground—you just have to look for it! Maybe you and your siblings share a love of movies or spending time in nature, or you and your parents have the same entrepreneurial spirit. Whatever similarities you share with them, try to focus on those to ensure you maintain some positivity in your interactions.
4. Put a spin on negative experiences.
It’s difficult feeling like the black sheep of the family when you’re an adult. It can make you focus on all the negativity you’ve endured. Maybe your family makes you feel like your feelings aren’t valid or like you make bad choices in life. Instead of focusing on how this is hurtful, focus on what it’s taught you. Perhaps their treatment of you has made you more resilient or more empathetic of other people who feel isolated. Use the negative experience of being the black sheep to improve yourself and grow as a person.
5. Set boundaries with them.
You should set some rules for interacting with your family so you don’t feel overwhelmed or stressed. What helps is to tell them what you need in the relationship to feel comfortable and supported. So, you could say something like, “If the conversation becomes disrespectful, I’ll have to leave the room” to display that there are consequences if you’re treated badly. Or, you could say, “I can’t spend the whole day with you, but I’ll be there for two hours” if you need to restrict the time you spend with loved ones for your mental wellbeing.
6. Realize the benefits of being an outsider.
Being different is a good thing. It can bring you many positive experiences, like making you think outside the box and finding creative solutions to problems. It helps you to reflect on your values, beliefs, and desires, encouraging you to learn more about yourself and what you want out of life. If you had felt like you belonged in your family, you might not have gained these amazing skills and benefits.
7. Find other sources of emotional support.
Even if you try to have good relationships with your family, being the black sheep can make things challenging. It’s healthy for you to reach out to other people who accept you for who you are and give you the emotional support that you need to feel validated and worthy. This is especially beneficial during times when your family doesn’t see your perspective. For example, maybe you feel like you can’t speak to your family about your relationship or career issues because they dismiss your feelings. In these cases, reaching out to trusted friends can help.
8. Show them acceptance.
Although you might not feel like your family respects or accepts you, it’s much better for your karma and well-being to take the high road. Be accepting of their thoughts, opinions, choices, and feelings. Let them express themselves and give them the support they need. When you lead by example, you increase the likelihood that your family will give you the same treatment in return, fostering a more positive relationship.
9. Empathize with their struggles.
It’s always good to support your family members going through tough times. It can also be an opportunity to display positive qualities they might not realize you possess, such as empathy, compassion, and trustworthiness. It’s easy for family members to judge black sheep for their mistakes or failures in the past—they’ll gain a new perspective of who you are when they need support and you’re the one who steps up for them.
10. Explain yourself to help them understand you.
Family members might isolate you or treat you poorly due to misunderstandings. They might not comprehend why you make certain decisions or choose a particular lifestyle, often lacking empathy to see things from your perspective. It’s important to recognize that this lack of understanding often stems from their own insecurities or fears. Calmly share your experiences and reasons to help them gain a better understanding, which may improve your relationship. Additionally, listening to their concerns can create a more respectful dialogue.
11. Avoid comparing yourself to your family.
If you never feel accepted by your family, it can make you feel like an outsider. This, in turn, can make you envious of who they are and how they accept each other. But, this is toxic because it leads to resentment and frustration. Try to maintain healthy self-esteem by focusing on your journey and unique strengths. By doing this instead of comparing yourself to others, you can reduce negative emotions and stay positive.
12. Try to bond with your family in new ways.
It can be useful for you to find new ways to connect with your family members. It helps to breathe fresh air into your interactions, creating positive memories and learning more about each other. So, instead of having a traditional family lunch on a Sunday, go bowling or hiking together. Or, instead of spending time talking and fighting about your differences, get out and see a movie together.
13. Limit your negative interactions.
While you want to find new, positive ways to build a healthy relationship with your family, it’s better for your well-being to restrict negative interactions. For example, it’s useful to step away from certain gatherings if you feel attacked or uncomfortable. Even if you’ve set boundaries before, removing yourself in the moment can help you prioritize your safety and mental health.
14. Try to find humor in the situation.
Although it’s not always easy to see the lighter side of things, finding humor in your stressful family dynamics can help you relieve stress instead of letting it weigh you down. Challenges can seem more bearable when humor is used as a coping mechanism, helping you to handle difficult interactions with a lighter touch. You can also use humor to disarm critiques from family members, preventing conflict and tension.
15. Consider family therapy.
If your family relationships are strained and you can’t seem to find common ground with your loved ones no matter what you do, consider going to a family therapist or counselor. This can help you learn effective communication strategies and tactics for coping with stress in healthier ways. As the black sheep of the family, therapy can help you explore and affirm your identity and values so you don’t lose sight of your worth.
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