You’ve seen them, you’ve laughed about them, and maybe you’re starting to catch yourself doing some of them too. Welcome to the field guide of Boomer behaviors in the wild.
1. Their Facebook Activity
They share every article they see without checking if it’s from The Onion or a real news source. Their timeline is a mix of obvious fake news and urgent warnings about hackers who apparently have nothing better to do than steal profile pictures of retirees. They type “VERY IMPORTANT – PLEASE SHARE” at the top of everything, including recipes for banana bread. They believe every post that starts with “Facebook will start charging users unless…” and make sure to tell Mark Zuckerberg they don’t give permission to use their photos.
2. Their Social Media Oversharing
They comment on every single family photo with a full paragraph about how the kids have grown. They tag their entire friend list in generic inspirational quotes, ensuring everyone knows they’re “blessed.” They share their grandkids’ photos with detailed medical histories included, much to their children’s horror. Their status updates read like diary entries, complete with weather reports and daily medication schedules. Every life event, from grocery shopping to dental appointments, gets documented with the enthusiasm of a breaking news report.
3. Their Novel-Like Text Messages
They sign every text message with their full name like it’s a formal letter. They respond to simple yes/no questions with paragraphs detailing their entire decision-making process. They type “OK…” which somehow manages to feel more ominous than any horror movie. They take hours to respond because they’re crafting messages with proper punctuation and formatting. Every “K” comes with enough periods to make you question your life choices.
4. Their Phone Etiquette
They answer unknown numbers because “it might be important” despite the obvious spam calls. They leave voicemails long enough to be considered podcast episodes. Their first response to any tech issue is to restart the device, even if it’s the microwave. They refuse to use phone apps but somehow download 47 different toolbars on their computer. Every call starts with “Can you hear me?” no matter how clear the connection is.
5. Their Email Behavior
They reply-all to company-wide emails just to say “thanks,” ensuring 400 people know they received the memo about printer maintenance. Their emails always end with inappropriate inspirational quotes and enough clip art to fill a 1990s greeting card store. They forward chain emails that promise good luck if you send to ten people, and bad luck if you dare break the chain. They type in all caps because “it’s easier to read,” making every message look like they’re shouting from a digital mountaintop. Every message includes at least fifteen exclamation points and ellipses that go on longer than their retirement planning.
6. Their Restaurant Quirks
They tell the entire life story of everyone at the table to their server who’s just trying to take drink orders. They argue about splitting the check for 45 minutes despite someone offering to pay the whole thing. They insist on speaking to managers, but sometimes it’s just to give compliments that turn into detailed family histories. They take photos of their food with the flash on, temporarily blinding everyone within a three-table radius. Every meal needs detailed documentation about the service for their Yelp review, which they’ll post using all caps.
7. Their Hoarding Tendencies
They keep every single email they’ve ever received since 1997 “just in case.” Their smartphone has 47,392 undeleted photos, most of them blurry or accidental shots of the ground. They refuse to close any browser tabs because they “might need them later,” turning their Chrome window into a stamp collection. Their desktop is so cluttered with random documents that finding anything requires an archaeological expedition. They take screenshots of photos instead of saving them, creating endless inception-style image layers.
8. Their Way With Technology
They still print MapQuest directions because they don’t trust that little blue dot on their phone to know where it’s going. They take photos of their computer screen with their phone, creating a glare so bright it looks like they’re documenting a UFO sighting. They type with one finger like they’re defusing a bomb, making the keyboard sound like a woodpecker’s mating call. They keep their phone’s brightness at maximum and text size large enough to read from space, turning every text message into a spotlight. Their desktop has more random icons than a medieval church, with files saved directly to the screen dating back to the Bush administration.
9. Their Financial Views
They insist on paying in exact change, counting coins while a line forms behind them. They don’t trust digital payments because “cash never crashes,” keeping enough bills in their wallet to buy a used car. They write checks at the grocery store like it’s 1985, complete with balanced checkbook entries. They keep every receipt “for their records” in shoeboxes dating back decades. A debit card is treated as an absolute last resort, used with visible suspicion.
10. Their Predictability
They’ve had the same preferred booth at the local diner since 1992 and everyone knows it. They know every server’s life story and ask about their grandchildren by name. They order “the usual” and expect newer staff to somehow know what that means. They tip exactly 15% after calculating it on paper, showing their work. Every meal comes with a detailed review of how it compares to how they make it at home.
11. Their Devotion to Seasonal Decor
They change their entire home decor for every minor holiday, including Groundhog Day. They have enough seasonal flags to supply a small nation’s worth of celebrations. Their front yard looks like a holiday store exploded, complete with inflatable decorations for every occasion. They store enough holiday-themed items to fill a storage unit. Every surface in their home showcases at least one seasonal tchotchke.
12. Their Coupon Collecting
They keep enough paper coupons to wallpaper a small house, most expired years ago. They hold up checkout lines while arguing about stacking discounts that clearly state “cannot be combined.” They refuse to use digital coupons because they “don’t trust them” but will give their credit card info to any email promising discount codes. They calculate savings down to the penny and announce it to everyone within earshot. The phrase “but I have a coupon” is their battle cry.
13. Their Camera Choices
They take photos with their iPad at every public event, effectively blocking everyone’s view with a floating rectangle. Every photo session requires at least fifteen retakes because someone blinked or they forgot to turn on the flash. They refuse to delete any photos, no matter how blurry, because “memories are precious.” They ask strangers to take their picture but spend ten minutes explaining how their camera works. The concept of cloud storage is more mysterious to them than crop circles.
14. Their Loyalty to Phone Books
They keep every phone book they’ve received since 1987 “just in case the internet goes down.” They refuse to trust online business listings because “the phone book is official.” They have a dedicated drawer for Yellow Pages that’s heavy enough to count as strength training. They look up numbers in the book even with a smartphone in their hand. The concept of Google Reviews is less trustworthy to them than a printed page from the last century.
