Lifelong friendships are precious—but they’re not indestructible. Even with the best intentions, we all make mistakes that can chip away at these vital bonds over time. Want to sidestep the most common (and most damaging) friendship faux pas? Read on for the 16 missteps to avoid at all costs. Your buddy will thank you.
1. Overdoing It On The Unsolicited Advice
It’s great that you want to help your friend by offering guidance but bombarding them with unwanted advice can come across as condescending or judgmental. Unless they’ve explicitly asked for your opinion or help problem-solving, err on the side of simply listening and validating their feelings. Jumping straight to advice-giving mode can make them feel unheard. If you do have insights to share, ask if they’re open to hearing your thoughts first. And if they say no, respect that boundary and just be a supportive presence.
2. Dating Their Ex Without Approval
Even if you and your friend’s ex seem like a perfect match, think long and hard before diving into a romance with them. Your friend may say they’re totally fine with it, but deep down the knowledge of your connection could make them feel hurt, betrayed, and uncomfortable. Is pursuing this love interest really worth threatening one of your longest and most precious friendships? Unless you have your friend’s full and enthusiastic blessing, it’s best to steer clear of turning their former flame into your new beau.
3. Monopolizing Conversations With Your Own Problems
Consistently dominating discussions with your own issues while failing to make space for your friend’s joys and struggles sends the message that you only care about yourself. Make a point to ask about their life, successes, and challenges too. Give them equal airtime to share without interruption or judgment. Be as supportive and engaged a listener as you hope they’ll be for you. If you’re going through an especially turbulent time and need extra support, let your friend know upfront and ask if they have the bandwidth to listen. Don’t just launch into a monologue about your problems assuming they’ll drop everything to cater to you.
4. Overstepping Financial Boundaries
Money can quickly make things awkward in a friendship. Repeatedly “forgetting” your wallet when you go out, constantly asking for loans, or expecting lavish gifts that strain your friend’s budget are inconsiderate moves that take advantage of their generosity. If you’re in a temporary financial bind, be upfront about your situation and proactive about finding solutions that don’t unduly burden your friend. Always repay debts promptly as promised and look for low-cost ways to spend time together if cash is tight. Don’t let financial mooching or unreasonable expectations tarnish your bond.
5. Pushing Them to Change in Unwanted Ways
You may think you know what’s best for your friend, but pressuring them into major life changes they’re not ready for—like a career shift, a breakup, or a big move—oversteps boundaries. Share your perspective thoughtfully if asked, but ultimately respect their autonomy to decide what’s right for them. Offer support and encouragement, but don’t strong-arm them down a path they’re not choosing freely. If you’re concerned their choices are truly destructive, express those worries with specific examples and empathy. Otherwise, let them navigate their own journey and just be a consistent source of acceptance.
6. Allowing Political Differences to Divide
In today’s polarized political climate, it’s not uncommon for even the closest of friends to hold contrasting views and beliefs. While healthy debate can be enriching, letting political disagreements drive a wedge between you will only breed resentment and discord. Agree to disagree respectfully, and remember that your friendship is based on so much more than seeing eye-to-eye on every issue. Focus on your common ground and the core values that unite you, not the surface-level political stances that divide.
7. Flaking On Plans Repeatedly
Bailing on dinner dates, weekend getaways, or other plans with your friend constantly sends the signal that you don’t value their time or company. Of course, unexpected things come up on occasion that are unavoidable, but making a regular habit of canceling at the last minute will wear on your friendship over time. Show respect for the plans you’ve made by following through and showing up when you say you will. If you truly need to cancel, give plenty of notice and offer to reschedule promptly.
8. Betraying Their Trust
Spilling secrets that were shared in confidence, lying to cover your tracks, or otherwise betraying your friend’s trust is one of the quickest ways to torpedo a cherished friendship. Trust takes years to build but only moments to destroy. Be impeccable with your word—if they open up to you vulnerably, guard that information carefully. And if you do make a mistake or a misstep, own up to it promptly and sincerely. Deception will only deepen the damage.
9. Forgetting Important Milestones
Birthdays, weddings, graduations—missing these big life events sends the message that you don’t care. Even if you’re swamped with work or other commitments, take a moment to jot down special dates in your calendar so you remember to reach out. A heartfelt card, thoughtful gift, or even just a timely text letting them know you’re thinking of them can mean the world. Don’t let the busyness of life cause you to neglect to celebrate the important moments with your lifelong friends.
10. Gossiping Behind Their Back
It’s easy to fall into the trap of venting frustrations about a friend to others, but be careful—word has a way of getting around. If your friend discovers you’ve been talking negatively about them behind their back, it can shatter the trust and bond you’ve built over many years. Instead of badmouthing your friend to others, find healthy and direct ways to communicate and resolve any conflicts or issues that arise between the two of you. Approach your friend with honesty, empathy, and an open mind.
11. Ignoring Them in Times of Need
When the going gets tough, that’s when your friend needs you the most. Failing to show up and be present when they’re struggling through a breakup, job loss, illness, death in the family, or other hardship is a massive friendship fail. Put aside your own busy life and offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and any tangible support they need during difficult times. Shutting them out or going MIA when they’re hurting will make them feel abandoned and alone.
12. Failing to Reciprocate Effort
Friendships require effort and care from both people to thrive. If your friend is always the one reaching out, initiating get-togethers, and doing kind gestures, while you sit back and go along for the ride, that imbalance will eventually strain your bond. Make sure you’re putting in equal effort to call, text, make plans, ask about their life, and show you care. Don’t just wait for them to do all the relational work—be proactive about nurturing your friendship too.
13. Holding Grudges and Resentments
No friendship is conflict-free 100% of the time. You’re both human and will inevitably say or do things that hurt each other on occasion. But allowing those grievances to fester into bitter grudges is toxic to your relationship. Practice forgiveness, let go of past offenses, and resist the urge to throw old wounds in your friend’s face during new disagreements. If you need to set a boundary or express your hurt, do so directly and with vulnerability. Then commit to moving forward, not looking back.
14. Constantly Comparing Them to Other Friends
Every friendship is unique, so appreciate your friend’s individual qualities without negative comparisons. If you’re feeling dissatisfied with the relationship, reflect on why and address those concerns directly with your friend, focusing on your specific dynamic. Avoid statements like “I wish you were more fun like Brittany” or “Grayson is way better at giving advice than you.” Instead, express what you need using “I” statements like “I feel hurt when my problems are dismissed” or “I would love for us to have more lighthearted moments together.”
15. Excluding Them From Group Plans
You don’t have to include every friend in every social outing. But purposely excluding one person from most of your shared friend group’s activities is cruel and cliquey. If you value that friendship, make an effort to extend invitations and help them feel like a welcome part of the pack. Sending the message through your actions that they’re unwanted or lesser-than is deeply hurtful. If you need occasional one-on-one time with others, be upfront about those plans rather than sneaking around. And if there are valid reasons you’re pulling away, have the courage to kindly explain why rather than icing them out passive-aggressively.
16. Being a Fickle Fair-Weather Friend
Friendships naturally ebb and flow over the years. But completely falling off the map every time you get absorbed in a new relationship, job, or hobby is self-centered. Letting time lapse without any substantive communication, only to pop back up expecting to pick up where you left off, takes your friend for granted. Nurturing lifelong connections requires ongoing effort and communication, even when life gets hectic. Check-in regularly, remember important events, and make time for quality interactions, even if they’re brief. Show that you’re committed to maintaining your bond through life’s shifting priorities and phases.
