The in-law relationship can be tricky to navigate. You want to love and support your child and their spouse, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things get complicated. If you’ve noticed tension or a shift in how your child’s spouse acts around you, it might be time to take a step back and assess the situation. Here are 17 signs they might see you as the “toxic in-laws” and what you can do to improve the relationship.
1. They Avoid Spending Time With You
If your child’s spouse always seems to have an excuse to skip family gatherings or avoids visiting altogether, it could be a sign they feel uncomfortable around you. Maybe they’re busy, or maybe they’re just trying to keep their distance. While this doesn’t automatically mean they think you’re toxic, consistent avoidance could mean there’s unresolved tension. It’s worth reflecting on past interactions and considering whether something you’ve said or done might have rubbed them the wrong way.
2. They Seem Reserved or Guarded Around You
Do they clam up in conversations or seem hesitant to share details about their life? If your child’s spouse is holding back, it might mean they don’t feel safe opening up around you. This could stem from feeling judged or misunderstood. Building trust takes time, and if they’re acting distant, it’s a good opportunity to approach them with kindness and curiosity instead of pushing for answers.
3. They Only Engage Out of Obligation
When they do show up for family events, do they seem like they’re just going through the motions? A spouse who feels forced to be there might participate minimally, avoid deep conversations, or stick close to your child without really interacting with you. If their engagement feels more like duty than genuine interest, they might be struggling to enjoy their time with you.
4. They Get Defensive When You Offer Advice
You suggest a parenting tip, a career move, or even just a new recipe, and suddenly, their walls go up. If your advice—no matter how well-intentioned—is met with defensiveness or frustration, it might be because they see it as criticism or interference. While your wisdom is valuable, unsolicited advice can sometimes feel like overstepping, especially if they’re trying to assert their independence.
5. They Complain About You to Your Child
If your child seems stressed or reluctant to bring up certain topics with you, it could be because their spouse has voiced complaints about you. Whether it’s about feeling judged, micromanaged, or unwelcome, this indirect feedback might be their way of expressing that something isn’t working in the relationship. It’s tough to hear, but it’s also an opportunity to address any misunderstandings.
6. They Limit Your Time With the Grandkids
If your access to the grandkids feels restricted—whether it’s fewer visits, limited babysitting opportunities, or strict rules when you’re together—it might signal that your child’s spouse doesn’t fully trust you. This could stem from disagreements about parenting styles, boundaries, or past interactions. Open communication can help clarify expectations and rebuild trust.
7. They’re Quick to Take Offense
You make an innocent joke or a casual comment, and suddenly they’re upset or withdrawn. If your child’s spouse often takes your words the wrong way, it might mean they’re on edge around you, expecting criticism or conflict. This sensitivity could reflect past misunderstandings or simply a mismatch in communication styles. Being mindful of your tone and intentions can help avoid unnecessary friction.
8. They Frequently Change Plans Last Minute
You plan a dinner or family outing, and suddenly, something comes up. While occasional changes are normal, frequent last-minute cancellations might signal avoidance. If they’re consistently backing out of plans, it’s worth considering whether the dynamic feels uncomfortable for them and how you can make family time more inviting.
11. They Act Differently When Your Child Isn’t Around
When your child is present, their spouse might be friendly and polite, but as soon as your child leaves the room, the vibe changes. If they seem less engaged or even cold when it’s just you and them, it might reflect underlying tension. This could mean they’re putting on a show for your child or feel obligated to “play nice” but aren’t genuinely comfortable around you.
12. They Decline Your Help, Even When It’s Needed
You offer to babysit, help with house projects, or bring over a meal, and they always say no—even when they could use the support. While it’s possible they simply prefer to handle things themselves, consistent rejection of your offers might indicate they feel your help comes with strings attached. Letting them know your support is genuine and free of judgment can help ease their hesitation.
14. They Keep Family Events Brief
When they do attend, they’re the first to leave—or they only stay long enough to make an appearance. This “in and out” approach might suggest they’re fulfilling an obligation rather than genuinely enjoying the time. Creating a more relaxed, inclusive atmosphere can help make family gatherings something they look forward to instead of just enduring.
15. They Seem Closer to Their Own Family
It’s natural for people to lean on their side of the family, but if they seem to prioritize their parents, siblings, or extended family while keeping you at arm’s length, it might be a sign they feel more accepted and supported there. Instead of competing for attention, focus on creating a warm, welcoming dynamic that shows you’re invested in their happiness.
