Let’s have an honest conversation about those thoughts you push away faster than a plate of kale at a buffet. You know, the ones that creep in when you’re watching your spouse load the dishwasher for the ten-thousandth time in the exact same (wrong) way. Here are the signs your marriage could use a makeover.
1. Other Couples’ Instagram Stories Feel Like Personal Attacks
You’ve started hate-following that annoyingly adventurous couple from your neighborhood who seem to be living in a perpetual rom-com. While they’re posting about their surprise weekend getaways, you’re trying to muster excitement about deciding what to watch on Netflix—again. You catch yourself rolling your eyes at their “perfect” posts while simultaneously taking screenshots for future reference. Your thumb hovers over the unfollow button regularly, but you can’t quite bring yourself to click it because their posts are a glimpse into the life you secretly want.
2. Your Fantasy Life Is Rich
During mundane moments, like waiting for your coffee to brew, your mind wanders into elaborate daydreams where your marriage is a cross between a Bridgerton episode and an action movie. In these daydreams, your spouse suddenly develops a mysterious past, or you both become international art thieves who flirt in French. The gap between your rich fantasy life and your actual marriage—where the biggest mystery is who forgot to replace the toilet paper—is starting to feel like a personal crisis.
3. You’ve Become a Professional Intimacy Avoider
Remember when bedtime was something you looked forward to? Now you’ve mastered the art of perfectly timing your “exhaustion” to avoid any possibility of intimacy. You find yourself staying up late watching random YouTube videos about artisanal cheese making or teaching yourself origami—anything to avoid another night of mechanical affection that feels as exciting as filing taxes.
4. Date Night Has Become a Scheduled Appointment
You still do date nights because that’s what good couples do, but they’ve developed all the spontaneity of getting your teeth cleaned. The restaurant choice has become so predictable you could order for each other in your sleep, and the conversation feels like it’s following a script written by a particularly boring AI. You catch yourself envying the couple at the next table who seem to be having an actual discussion instead of just coordinating next week’s carpool schedule.
5. Your Wardrobe is a Time Capsule of Given Up
Opening your closet feels like visiting a museum of your former sexy self. Those flirty dresses and sharp outfits have been slowly replaced by an expanding collection of comfortable but decidedly unsexy clothes that spark not much joy. You’ve started categorizing clothes as “home clothes” (anything with an elastic waistband) and “outside clothes” (anything that still hints at effort), and the “home clothes” section is staging a hostile takeover of your wardrobe.
6. Your Group Chat is Your Real Marriage
Your friends’ group chat has more spark and excitement than your actual relationship, with the notification sound giving you more butterflies than your spouse’s arrival home. You find yourself sharing every funny thought, minor victory, and random observation with your chat group while your real-life conversations with your partner have devolved into a series of logistical grunts and nods. The most passionate exchanges you have these days are emoji-filled debates about celebrity gossip with people you haven’t seen in person since last Christmas.
7. You’ve Developed an Unhealthy Relationship with “What If” Googling
Your search history looks like a midlife crisis having a panic attack: “Is it normal to never surprise each other anymore?” “How to know if you’re bored or boring?” “Can personality transplants be arranged?” You’ve gone down so many “spice up your marriage” rabbit holes that your targeted ads think you’re simultaneously planning a divorce, a wedding, and an international escape. The algorithms are confused, and honestly, so are you.
8. Random Strangers Are Starting to Look Like Romance Novel Covers
The barista who remembers your complicated coffee order is starting to look like a romance novel hero, and the delivery person who actually rings the doorbell instead of throwing packages has begun to seem mysteriously intriguing. You’re not actually interested in these people—you’re interested in the feeling of being interesting to someone. Even the guy who fixed your WiFi router seemed fascinating simply because he explained things to you like you were capable of understanding technology.
9. Your Home’s Ambiance Has No Romance
Your living space has become about as sensual as a waiting room. The most exotic thing in your bedroom is that weird stain on the ceiling that kind of looks like Elvis if you squint. The candles you got as wedding gifts remain unlit, gathering dust like your libido, and the most intimate lighting in your house comes from the refrigerator door when you’re midnight snacking.
10. Your Bucket List Has Become a Secret Rebellion
You’ve started compiling an increasingly wild bucket list that you keep private because it feels like evidence of your discontent. While your shared household goals involve sensible things like refinancing the mortgage, your personal list includes learning to tango in Argentina and joining an underground supper club. The gap between “responsible adult goals” and “what actually excites you” has become so wide you could park a midlife crisis in it.
11. Your Amazon Cart is Chaotic
Your “saved for later” items tell the story of someone desperately trying to inject excitement into their life through prime shipping. There’s a weird mix of self-help books, exotic spices you’ll never use, lingerie you’re not quite brave enough to buy, and random hobby supplies for activities you’re convinced will make you more interesting. You’ve got enough potential new personalities sitting in your cart to staff a small theater production, but you keep clicking “save for later” instead of “buy now” because commitment to change feels as daunting as the marriage conversations you’re avoiding.
12. Your Spouse’s Predictability Has Become Your Personal Hell
You used to find it endearing that you could finish each other’s sentences—now it makes you want to scream into a pillow. You can accurately predict their reaction to every situation and their habits have become so predictable you could set your watch by them. The way they’ll order the same meal at every restaurant, tell the same jokes at every gathering, and react to every situation with their trademark phrase makes you want to suggest they try being someone else for a day, just for variety.
13. Your Conversations Have Zero Depth
“How was your day?” has become a rhetorical question with a predetermined answer, and your most heated debates center around whether it’s worth changing the Netflix password. You find yourself having deeper conversations with strangers on elevator rides than you’ve had with your spouse in the past month, and the weekly grocery list has more personality than your dinner table talk.
