Why are you drawn to those people who have troubled eyes, complicated stories, and enough emotional baggage to fill an airport carousel? Good question. We’re about to explore just that and tell you how to fix the cycle of calling in partners who seem to be in a constant state of crisis.
1. Your Nurturing Nature Is Getting In The Way
Remember when you were little and found that injured bird in the backyard? That overwhelming urge to help, to fix, to make things better? Well, that childhood instinct has grown into something far more complex. It’s beyond just being helpful—it’s become your entire identity. Your phone is probably full of messages from people in crisis, each one giving you that little hit of purpose you crave. The problem isn’t your kind heart, it’s that you’ve forgotten where helping others ends and where your own life begins. Set “helping hours” like office hours—specific times when you’re available for support, and times when you’re absolutely not.
2. Stable People Make You Squirm
When someone emotionally stable shows interest in you, it feels like watching paint dry. Do they text back consistently? Red flag—must be boring. Do they have a good relationship with their family? Suspicious. No traumatic past to unpack? Next! You’ve become so accustomed to the adrenaline rush of emotional chaos that stability feels like settling. You find yourself creating problems where there aren’t any, just to feel that familiar rush of having something to fix. The actual fix? Challenge yourself to date someone stable for at least three months before making any judgments.
3. Control is Your Love Language
Let’s be brutally honest: your attraction to broken people might be less about helping them and more about controlling outcomes. Being the “together” one, the “fixer,” means you get to call the shots. When someone’s leaning on you for emotional support, guidance, and validation, they’re less likely to leave, right? You’ve become so good at orchestrating these dynamics that you probably don’t even realize you’re doing it anymore. Start practicing radical acceptance by writing down every time you try to control a situation or person. It’ll help.
4. Your Inner Child is Still Playing Doctor
If you grew up in a household where chaos was the norm, this pattern isn’t just a coincidence. Maybe you watched one parent try to “fix” the other, or perhaps you became the family therapist before you even knew how to spell the word. Now, every time you meet someone broken, it’s like your inner child perks up and says, “Oh, I know this dance!” You’re subconsciously trying to heal your past by fixing people in your present. It sounds like it’s time to start an inner child journal where you write letters to your younger self and be gentle.
5. Broken People Are Your Comfort Zone
Think about it: damaged people are predictably unpredictable. Their chaos is familiar territory for you—it’s like a language you learned before English. When someone shows up with emotional wounds, you know exactly what to do, where to step, and what to say. The chaos might be killing you, but at least it’s familiar. Well, hate to break it to you, but you need to practice being uncomfortable—start by making a list of what actually makes you uncomfortable about stable relationships.
6. You’re Hiding From Your Own Growth
Here’s a truth that might sting: focusing on fixing others is the perfect smokescreen for avoiding your own issues. Every moment spent analyzing someone else’s childhood trauma is a moment you don’t have to look at your own wounds. You’ve become so skilled at spotting other people’s red flags that you’ve ignored the warning signs in your own life. What to do? Create a “self-growth schedule” where you dedicate as much time to your own development as you do to helping others. Start each day by asking, “What do I need to heal?”
7. The Hero Complex is Real
Let’s be honest—being someone’s savior feels pretty damn good. There’s something intoxicating about being the one person who finally “understands” them, who can help when no one else can. You’ve become so attached to the role of savior that you’re unconsciously seeking out people who need saving. Here’s what you need to do: Start catching yourself in “hero moments” and ask if you’re helping or enabling. Practice letting people solve their own problems without jumping in to rescue them.
8. Your Empathy Tank is Running on Empty
You don’t just understand people’s pain—you absorb it like a sponge. When someone shares their pain, you don’t just listen—you feel it in your bones, carry it in your heart, and lose sleep over it at night. This extraordinary ability to connect with others’ suffering has become your superpower and your kryptonite. You’re so tuned into everyone else’s emotional frequency that you’ve lost the signal to your own feelings. Your perscription? Develop an “emotional boundary toolkit” with specific phrases and actions to protect your energy.
9. You’re Running From Real Intimacy
Here’s the paradox: while you’re creating intense emotional connections with broken people, you’re actually avoiding true intimacy. When you’re always in helper mode, you never have to reveal your own vulnerabilities. It’s easier to know someone’s deepest traumas than to share your own fears. That’s why you need to practice receiving help as much as giving it. Share one real fear or insecurity with someone safe each week and it’ll eventually become second nature.
10. Your Success Stories Are Your Self-Worth
Every time someone gets better because of your support, you feel like a million bucks. But when they relapse, choose chaos, or don’t change despite your best efforts? It feels like a personal failure. Your worth rises and falls based on other people’s progress and that’s not sustainable. Create a “self-worth menu”—a list of things that make you valuable that have nothing to do with helping others and start celebrating your own growth separately from others’ outcomes.
11. The Intensity is Your Drug of Choice
The high-stakes emotional drama of helping someone heal can be more addictive than any substance. You’re hooked on the rush of being needed and regular relationships feel bland because you’re used to operating in emotional emergency mode. It’s like you’ve been watching everything in IMAX 3D, and normal life feels like old black-and-white TV. But guess what? You can healthy ways to experience intensity through sports, creative projects, or meaningful goals.
12. You’re Afraid of Being the Broken One
Underneath all this helping and fixing might be a terrifying fear: if you stop taking care of others, someone might notice that you need care too. By constantly putting the spotlight on other people’s brokenness, you keep yours in the shadows. But you should really try and allow yourself to be vulnerable with safe people who don’t need fixing. You can start by acknowledging your own struggles without immediately trying to solve them.
13. You’re Addicted to Potential
You don’t fall in love with who people are. you fall in love with who they could be. The problem is, you’re dating potential, not reality. You’re so focused on who someone could become that you ignore who they are right now. Time for you to make a “reality vs. potential” list for each relationship. It’ll help you practice accepting people exactly as they are right now.
