We need to talk about all those things keeping you up at night that absolutely shouldn’t be. You know, those worries that set up camp in your brain and refuse to leave, even though they’re about as useful as someone telling you to “relax” when you’re stressed out. What do you say we evict these mental squatters once and for all?
1. What That Random Person From High School Thinks About You
Remember Tori who sat behind you in chemistry? The one who now posts inspirational quotes every three hours and sells questionable supplements? Yeah, stop caring what she thinks about your career choices. Because guess what: she’s not thinking about you at all. She’s too busy wondering if her latest “live laugh love” post got enough likes. The people from your past are exactly where they should be—in the past.
2. Your “Social Media Worth”
You’re stressing about posting at the “right” time, using the “right” filter, and crafting the “perfect” caption like it’s going to solve global warming. Meanwhile, half your followers are scrolling while sitting on the toilet, and the other half are too busy editing their own photos to notice yours. Your real life is happening outside the app—you know, where the lighting isn’t always golden and your coffee doesn’t need to be photographed from above.
3. That Embarrassing Thing You Did Five Years Ago
Oh, you mean that time you called your teacher “mom” in front of the whole class? Or when you waved back at someone who was actually waving to the person behind you? Hear this: everyone’s too busy cringing at their own memories to remember yours. That moment that makes you want to crawl into a hole and die is taking up valuable real estate in your brain. Plus, that could be better used for remembering where you put your keys (seriously, where are they?).
4. Having a Life That Looks “Perfect” on Paper
That “perfect” life checklist you’re killing yourself to complete? Not realistic. Dream job by 25, married by 30, house with a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog that doesn’t shed. Life doesn’t follow a timeline, and success doesn’t come in a one-size-fits-all package. Your path might have some more plot twists and that’s perfectly fine.
5. Other People’s Marriages or Relationships
Stop comparing your relationship to the curated highlight reels you see online. That couple posting about their “perfect love” and weekly date nights probably had a fight about whose turn it was to do the dishes right before taking that “spontaneous” romantic selfie. Your relationship doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s to be valid. Besides, the couples who post the most about their relationship are usually trying to convince themselves more than others.
6. Not Being “Productive” Enough
Somewhere along the line, we all bought into this toxic idea that every minute needs to be maximized for productivity. You’re not a factory, and your worth isn’t measured in completed to-do lists. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is absolutely nothing. Those people bragging about their 5 AM workout, meditation, journaling, and green juice routine? They’re probably exhausted and cranky by noon. Being constantly “productive” isn’t sustainable, sweetie.
7. Your Body Not Looking Like a Filter
Let’s talk about those “body goals” you’ve been torturing yourself over. You know, the ones based on photos that have been edited twenty times over. Your body’s job is to keep you alive, not to look like it’s been run through seventeen filters and three editing apps. It’s carrying you through life, processing that questionable gas station sushi you ate, and fighting off germs. Maybe cut it some slack for not looking like AI.
8. Not Being “Far Enough” in Life
The only race you’re really in is with yourself, and even then, it’s kind of more of a casual stroll than a sprint. While you’re beating yourself up for not being a CEO/homeowner/marathon runner by [insert arbitrary age here], remember that Steve Carell was 43 when he started on The Office and Charles Darwin was 50 when he wrote On the Origin of the Species. Your timeline is your own, and success is certainly not a race.
9. Those Extra Couple of Pounds
Those five pounds you keep obsessing over? They’re holding your happiness hostage. Nobody has ever looked at you and thought, “Wow, they’d be perfect if they just lost five pounds.” And if someone did think that, they have bigger problems than your relationship with gravity. Your body weight fluctuates as you age, as you go to the bathroom, as you go through stressful life events—it’s normal.
10. Being “Behind” on Current Trends
Can’t tell your TikTok dances apart? Don’t know what the kids mean by “he cooked”? Congratulations, you’re a normal human being with a life. Trends change fast these days—by the time you’ve mastered one, there’s already a new one making the old one “cheugy” (and if you don’t know what that means, you’re proving my point).
11. Your Parent’s Definition of Success
Maybe they wanted you to be a doctor, but you’re happier teaching kids how to finger paint. Perhaps they think real estate is the only path to security, but you’re building a business selling artisanal sock puppets. Their roadmap was drawn at a different time and for a different world. Your GPS needs to be set to your own destination, not theirs.
12. Having an “Impressive” Job Title
“But what will people think?” they ask, clutching their pearls when you tell them you’re leaving your “prestigious” soul-crushing job to start a dog-walking business. Here’s what people actually think about your job title: absolutely nothing. They’re too busy worrying about their own careers to care about yours. Your job title doesn’t define you and it shouldn’t have to.
13. Not Having Everything Figured Out
Plot twist: nobody has everything figured out. Those people who seem like they do? They’re just better at faking it. Life isn’t a math problem with one right answer—it’s more like abstract art where everyone’s just throwing paint at the canvas and calling it intentional. The moment you think you have everything figured out is usually right before life throws you a curveball just to keep things interesting.
14. What Could Go Wrong
Listen, your brain is really good at coming up with worst-case scenarios. But here’s the thing: most of these mental movies never make it to reality. You’re spending precious energy worrying about hypothetical situations that have a lower chance of happening than you have of achieving your childhood dream of being the first ballerina to perform in space.
