Feeling unappreciated in a relationship can be soul-crushing. But before you kick your relationship to the curb or resign yourself to a life of quiet desperation, let’s talk about some habits that might be contributing to this cycle. Here are some behaviors you need to bid farewell to when you’re feeling undervalued by your partner.
1. No more acting as the scorekeeper
Tallying up every little thing you do for your partner? It’s time to put down that mental scorecard because, according to Business Insider, it can destroy your relationship. Keeping score turns your relationship into a competition, and let’s face it, there are no winners in that game. Instead of counting favors, focus on the quality of your interactions. Love isn’t a transaction, and treating it like one is a fast track to resentment city.
2. Enough abandoning your needs
Do you find yourself constantly sacrificing your needs and then feeling bitter about it? Martyrdom might seem noble, but it’s really not. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and suffering in silence only breeds more misunderstanding. It’s okay to have needs and to express them. You’re a partner, not a doormat.
3. Stop being passive-aggressive
The subtle art of saying “I’m fine” when you’re anything but. Dropping hints, giving the silent treatment, or making sarcastic comments might feel satisfying in the moment, but it’s about as effective as trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Direct communication might be scary, but it’s the only way to actually address the issue.
4. Don’t be a grudge collector
Holding onto past grievances like they’re rare collectibles? This habit turns your emotional space into a museum of past hurts. Let go of the grudges. Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting, it’s about freeing yourself from the weight of past disappointments.
5. Quit making assumptions
Making assumptions about why your partner isn’t appreciating you can trigger an avalanche of negative thoughts. Maybe they’re stressed, maybe they’re oblivious, or maybe there’s something else entirely going on. Instead of assuming, ask. Clear the air with conversation, not speculation.
6. Forget seeking validation
If you’re constantly seeking your partner’s approval for every little thing, you’re placing your self-worth in someone else’s hands. It’s time to become your own cheerleader. Build your self-esteem from within, and you’ll find that external validation becomes a bonus, not a necessity.
7. Cut out the comparison game
According to Psych Central, constantly measuring your relationship with others—whether it’s your friends’ seemingly perfect partnerships or idealized romances in movies—is a recipe for dissatisfaction. Every relationship is unique, and what happens behind closed doors is often very different from the highlight reel people show the world. Focus on improving your own relationship rather than coveting someone else’s.
8. Stop chasing perfection
Striving for perfection in everything you do for your partner? Exhausting, isn’t it? This habit not only burns you out but can make your partner feel inadequate. Embrace the beauty of imperfection. A burnt dinner served with love is worth more than a perfect meal served with resentment.
9. Halt with the indirect hints
Leaving magazines open to articles about appreciation or making pointed comments about other appreciative couples isn’t going to solve your problem. These indirect methods often lead to frustration on both sides. Embrace direct, kind communication instead.
10. Cut off the complaints
Constantly complaining about feeling unappreciated, whether to your partner or to others, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It sets a negative tone and can blind you to the appreciation that does exist. Try shifting your focus to gratitude for what is working in your relationship.
11. Get rid of the all-or-nothing thinking
Viewing appreciation in black-and-white terms—either you’re completely appreciated or not at all—ignores the nuances of human interaction. Recognize and value the small gestures of appreciation—a kiss on the forehead or a freshly brewed cup of coffee—even as you work towards feeling more deeply valued.
12. Release your expectations
Doing things solely to receive appreciation is pointless. If your actions are always tied to an expectation of recognition, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. True acts of love are done without expectation of return. Find joy in giving for the sake of giving, not for the applause.
13. Stop thinking your partner is a mindreader
Expecting your partner to know what you need without telling them is a nice fantasy, but it rarely works out. Drop the assumption that they should “just know” and start communicating your needs clearly. Open dialogue is the secret ingredient to feeling understood and appreciated.
14. No more emotionally shutting down
Withdrawing emotionally when you feel unappreciated might seem like self-protection, but it only widens the gap. Stay engaged, even when it’s difficult. Vulnerability, while scary, is the pathway to deeper connection and understanding.
15. Forget the tests
Setting up little tests to see if your partner appreciates you is a game where everyone loses. These manipulative tactics do nothing but chip away at trust. Instead of testing, try trusting and communicating openly about your needs.
