Love and lust are the dynamic duo that’s been confusing humans since, well, forever. Think you’ve got it all figured out? Think again, here’s a list of clues that might suggest you’re mistaking that steamy attraction for true love.
1. You’re more interested in their body than their mind
Physical attraction is important, but it shouldn’t be the main course. If you find your eyes glazing over when they talk about their passions, but you can recite every freckle on their body, you’re in lust territory. Love wants to explore every aspect of a person, lust is satisfied with just what’s on the outside.
2. You’re more “me” than “we”
In lust, it’s all about what you can get. In love, it’s about what you can give. If you find yourself constantly thinking about how they make you feel, how they boost your status, or what they can do for you, without much thought about reciprocating, you’re in lust territory. Love thinks in terms of “us” and “we,” considering both parties’ needs and dreams.
3. Your conversations are shallow as heck
Sure, you’re talking, but it’s all surface level stuff. What’s your favorite color? Blue. What’s your deepest fear? Crickets. If your chats never dive deeper than deciding what to eat for dinner, you might be swimming in the shallow end of lust, not love.
4. You’re all about the grand gestures
Lust loves a good show—elaborate dates, expensive gifts, public displays of affection. Love, on the other hand, shines in the small, everyday moments. If you’re all about sweeping them off their feet but balk at the idea of helping them move or taking care of them when they’re sick, you might be stuck in lust.
5. Your friends and family are out of the loop
When you’re in love, you want to integrate your partner into your life. When you’re in lust, you’re more likely to keep them in a separate bubble. If the thought of introducing them to your friends or bringing them to family dinner fills you with dread, it might be lust masquerading as love.
6. Your relationship is a rollercoaster (and not in a good way)
Intense highs followed by dramatic lows? That’s lust wearing a love costume. If your relationship feels like a soap opera script, complete with passionate makeups and bitter breakups, you’re probably riding the lust coaster. Love is more gentle than that! So if you can’t function when they’re not around, but fight like cats and dogs when they are, that’s a big sign of lust.
7. Their flaws are deal-breakers
Let’s face it, nobody’s perfect. But if every little imperfection sends you into a tailspin of doubt, you might be confusing lust for love. Lust wants perfection, love embraces imperfection. If you can’t handle their off-key singing or the way they load the dishwasher “wrong,” you might be more in lust with an idea than in love with a real person.
8. You’re playing a role, not being yourself
Lust encourages us to be the most attractive version of ourselves—even if it’s not entirely authentic. If you find yourself constantly editing your thoughts, hiding your quirks, or pretending to like things you don’t, you’re likely in lust, not love. Love allows you to be unabashedly yourself, weird hobbies and all. If you can’t burp, disagree, or wear your ratty old sweatpants around them, it’s probably not love.
9. Your relationship kryptonite is boredom
Every relationship has its quiet moments. If you find these unbearable and are constantly seeking the next excitement, you’re probably dealing with lust. Lust needs constant stimulation, love appreciates the mundane. If a night of Netflix and takeout sounds like torture rather than cozy bliss, you might want to reassess your feelings.
10. You’re more focused on the destination than the journey
Lust is all about the end goal—usually physical intimacy. Love, however, enjoys the whole journey. If you find yourself constantly pushing for the next step—the next base, moving in together, marriage—without enjoying where you are now, you might be in lust overdrive. Love savors each stage of the relationship, while lust is always asking, “Are we there yet?”
11. The green-eyed monster is your constant companion
A little jealousy can be normal, according to Verywell Mind, but if you’re constantly checking their phone or freaking out when they talk to someone attractive, that’s lust territory. True love trusts and communicates, lust obsesses and assumes. If you can’t handle them having a life outside of you, it might be time to rethink this relationship.
12. Your future plans sound like a travel brochure
When you think about your future together, is it all exotic vacations and candlelit dinners? Or do you see yourselves navigating life’s less glamorous moments too? If your shared future doesn’t include discussions about finances, career goals, or whether you both want kids, you might be stuck in lust-land.
13. Your ’couple songs’ are all chart-toppers, no deep cuts
Lust grooves to “WAP,” love slow dances to that weird indie song that played when you first held hands. It’s not about the genre, it’s about the meaning. If you can’t point to at least one song that makes you both go “That’s our song!” (bonus points if it’s objectively terrible), you might be missing that deeper connection.
14. Your shared language is more emoji than inside jokes
Communication is key in any relationship, according to Psychology Today, but the type of communication matters. If your texts are all fire emojis and eggplants but lack those weird abbreviations or phrases that only the two of you understand, you might be in lust territory. Love develops its own dialect, complete with inside jokes, silly nicknames, and references that would baffle an outsider. Lust speaks in universal symbols of attraction.
15. Your ’couple goals’ revolve around external validation
If your relationship milestones are more about impressing others than growing together, it’s time for a reality check. Lust wants to be “couple goals” on social media, love is more concerned with actual goals as a couple. If you’re more excited about posting that vacation selfie than actually experiencing the trip together, or if you care more about how many likes your anniversary post gets than the meaning behind the celebration, you might be confusing external validation for internal fulfillment.
16. You’ve never seen each other’s ’ugly cry’
Vulnerability isn’t pretty, but it’s a crucial part of love. If you’ve never let your guard down completely around each other—we’re talking ugly crying, embarrassing health issues, irrational fears—you might be stuck in the lust phase. If the thought of them seeing you at your absolute worst fills you with horror rather than comfort, it might not be love yet.
