According to Thriveworks, narcissists are masters of manipulation, and their tactics aren’t always the cliché screaming fits you see in movies. To really throw you for a loop, they’ve got a whole toolbox of subtle tricks that might leave you feeling confused and off-balance. Here’s a breakdown of the lesser-known control tactics they use. The more you know, the easier it’ll be to avoid them altogether.
1. Playing the helpless card
They suddenly become incapable of basic tasks, mysteriously “forgetting” how to do even simple stuff they hate. Their aim? Guilt-trip you into doing it for them. Think of them as experts at outsourcing their responsibilities onto your already full plate. It’s a way to dodge taking care of themselves while subtly making you feel like you’re responsible for their well-being, which you’re not.
2. Comparing you to “experts” (who may or may not exist)
They’ll drop comments about how a doctor, therapist, or some random expert supposedly agrees with them, undermining your judgment. It’s a way to make you doubt yourself and feel like you need their supposedly superior knowledge to make good decisions. Remember, healthy relationships don’t involve constantly comparing you to everyone else, and narcissists are experts at inventing evidence to support their arguments.
3. Practicing selective listening
They seem super interested in what you’re saying, but really, they’re just filing away any personal details they can use against you later. Think of them as mental spies, gathering ammo to use when they want to knock you down a peg and gain leverage. It’s best to be mindful of what you reveal to someone who might use those vulnerabilities to gain a sense of control over you.
4. Infantilizing you
They treat you like you’re incapable, speaking down to you, belittling your choices, and “taking over” even when you’re perfectly capable. It’s a sneaky way to chip away at your confidence and make you feel like you need their guidance (read: control). True support involves respecting your competence, not making you feel like an incompetent child who needs constant oversight.
5. Moving the goalposts
No matter how hard you try, it’s never good enough. Just when you think you’ve finally pleased them, boom – new rule, new expectation. It’s all part of their game to keep you insecure and permanently feeling like you’re failing to reach some impossible standard. Healthy relationships have clear expectations; narcissists thrive on changing the rules of the game to ensure you never actually “win.”
6. The trauma bond
They don’t just dish out the bad stuff; they sprinkle in crumbs of kindness after nasty episodes. This hot-and-cold routine confuses the heck out of you and makes it weirdly hard to break free, even though you know it’s toxic. They count on that emotional whiplash to keep you hooked. A pattern of cruelty followed by just enough sweetness to keep you hoping things will change creates a powerful bond that can feel illogical and difficult to sever.
7. Fake vulnerability
They “confide” in you with supposed fears and worries, making you feel like their most trusted confidante. But it’s not about genuine connection; it’s about tricking you into dropping your guard as they use your empathy to gain an advantage. True vulnerability is a two-way street; narcissists use the illusion of it to lure you in, never truly reciprocating the emotional honesty you deserve.
8. Charity as a weapon
They act like the most selfless person ever, but their “good deeds” aren’t about compassion, they’re about looking perfect. It makes them seem untouchable, and they’ll guilt you for questioning them because, hey, look how generous they are! True charity comes from the heart, not a desire for social status or to have a shield against criticism.
9. Creating chaos out of thin air
Drama follows them like a shadow. They’ll turn tiny issues into all-out battles, stir up conflict where none existed, and just generally love making a huge mess of everything. Why? Because, according to Mindset Therapy, chaos keeps the spotlight on them, and they thrive on feeling like they’re the center of attention and in control. Stability feels boring to them, so they manufacture reasons to put you constantly on edge.
10. Charm offensives
If they sense you’re pulling away, they hit the charm button hard. Suddenly, they’re full of sweet talk, apologies (that feel kinda hollow), and promises to change. It’s all an act designed to suck you back in. True change is hard, narcissists prefer empty promises. Don’t mistake a temporary change in tactics for a true change in personality.
11. Exaggerating their accomplishments
They inflate their achievements, shamelessly take credit for other people’s work, and generally act like they’re the best at everything. The goal? To make you feel small in comparison and boost their own ego. They need to feel superior to survive. While everyone wants to feel good about their achievements, narcissists thrive on diminishing those around them to give themselves a constant sense of importance.
12. “Accidental” slip-ups
That nasty message they supposedly sent to the wrong person? The embarrassing thing they let “slip” in front of your friends? Totally calculated. It’s thinly veiled cruelty masquerading as a mistake, designed to rattle you and keep you off-balance. These aren’t genuine accidents, but deliberate attempts to make you feel insecure or embarrassed while maintaining the illusion of innocence.
13. Feigning ignorance
“I had no idea that would hurt you!” they say, even though they know exactly what buttons to push. Feigning innocence lets them dodge responsibility while making you doubt your own feelings. It’s emotional gaslighting 101. Don’t let them convince you that you’re overreacting; trust your instincts when someone deliberately hurts you and then tries to dismiss your feelings.
14. Provoking you, then playing the victim
They take subtle jabs until you finally snap, then act like the wounded party when you express your totally justified frustration. It’s a sick way to twist the narrative and make you apologize for reacting to something they orchestrated in the first place. Remember, your anger is valid when someone deliberately pushes you too far. Don’t let them make you the “bad guy” for responding to their manipulation.
