Our parents’ influence follows us long after we’ve grown up and moved out. For those raised by toxic parents, breaking free from their control is an ongoing struggle. If you come from a dysfunctional family background, you might be all too familiar with these phrases toxic parents use to keep you under their thumb even into adulthood. Their words may vary, but the goal is always the same: to make you doubt yourself and keep you tethered to their dysfunctional ways.
1. “You’re not looking after this place very well, are you?”
When toxic parents talk to their adult children in this condescending way, it shows that they’re trying to reassert their authority over you — like they did when you were younger. By making snide remarks about the place you call home, and your ability to look after it, they directly attack the skills that make you an adult. It’s disrespectful and judgmental.
2. “Don’t waste this opportunity like you did before!”
When parents constantly remind you of your previous mistakes or failures, that’s a sign that they’re trying to use your past against you. They wish they could control you more easily, like when you were a child, and they’re reminding you that they witnessed all your growth — and they will use that against you to keep you down.
3. “I wouldn’t have done that.”
Parents always like to offer unsolicited advice, and it’s very rarely relevant in the modern world. Not only are they from a different generation with different rules, but they’re actively trying to make you doubt yourself. Don’t listen to toxic parents attempting to control you.
4. “Did you think anything through before rushing in?”
This mean-spirited kind of rhetoric speaks to toxic parents who want to elevate their own life experiences. They want to put you down so that you rely on them more. This isn’t a healthy mindset, and it borders on bullying. Stick to your guns.
5. “Why didn’t you ask my advice?”
When parents want to control you, they will try to squeeze into your life again. Parents who always correct you don’t want you to learn, they just want to feel knowledgeable and powerful. This is because they felt far less useful as soon as you stopped asking them for advice when you were younger.
6. “You can do better than him.”
Just because parents have ideas about how you should live your life, doesn’t mean that they can be rude. If they’re telling you how to live your life and not shutting up when you ask them to, consider stepping away from their influence. While your boyfriend’s parents may baby him, your parents are telling you he’s not good enough — it’s very telling.
7. “Remember when you moved out and ran away from us?”
A good parent would never hold things over you like this — it’s manipulation, pure and simple. According to Psychology Today, toxic parents have a habit of twisting things — such as the natural step of moving out — into something it’s not. They make you feel like you’ve done something wrong, and that they’re the victim. Don’t listen to them.
8. “You’ve embarrassed the family.”
Parents are a special breed for the way that they pass their insecurities on to their children. Just because your mother feels judged by society, she manipulates you to make that your problem. Rather than working on her own ego, she uses you to impress other people, and blames you for when things go wrong.
9. “Don’t wear that — what will the neighbors think?”
It’s one thing when parents have toxic values, but it’s another when they make up lies to manipulate you. Sentences like these directly threaten you with other people’s judgments. Rather than raising you up, these phrases are trying to indirectly control you into doing what your parents want. It’s insidious.
10. “You can’t tell Granny you got fired.”
Toxic parents always want to control you when you make a mistake, but they never want to take responsibility for that. They will always be the victims in their own eyes, so they make up other figures of authority to be the bad guys.
11. “Let me do it next time.”
This is textbook toxicity. When a parent directly demands to take over a project or situation, it shows that they don’t trust you, and don’t want to trust you. They’d rather stay in control and interfere in your life than admit that you’re maturing beyond them.
12. “You messed up last time.”
Toxic parents never taught you how to take criticism or learn from failure when you were younger. Then, they used blame as a way to punish you — and it’s the same now. They don’t treat you like equals — just accessories to boast about when things are going well, and an inconvenience when things don’t go right.
13. “You never used to disrespect me when you were younger.”
Parents love to keep people in place by comparing them to their childhood behavior. Big words like ‘disrespect’ or ‘disappointment’ are thrown around to get a reaction out of you, but in truth, it’s your toxic parents who are disrespecting you by trying to control you.
14. “I don’t recognize who you’ve become.”
Growth is a scary thing to toxic parents because it shows that you can outgrow them. They would rather not acknowledge that you are the adult now, not them. They will ridicule you, mock you, and try to tear you down if they don’t like what they see. It’s just a reality that you can’t always please your parents.
15. “Oh, she wasn’t much to look at when she was younger.”
Some people with children clearly weren’t put on this earth to be parents. You can tell by the way they criticize their child’s physical appearance without a care in the world. According to Good Therapy, this will inevitably lead to decades of self-esteem issues. Even as the children grow up, they are still treated with the same careless, toxic attitude as the parents try to control them and redirect all the attention back to themselves.
