Surviving a relationship with a narcissist can feel like emerging from a war zone. If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve been through the wringer and are now facing the daunting task of putting the pieces of your life back together. Take a deep breath—you’ve already taken the first, hardest step by recognizing the problem and seeking help. Let’s walk through the journey of rebuilding, step by step.
1. Acknowledge the abuse and how it impacted you
What you experienced was real, and it was not your fault. Narcissistic abuse can be dangerous, leaving victims questioning their own sanity. Take time to validate your experiences, and maybe write them down if it helps. Understanding that you were in an abusive situation is crucial. Remember, acknowledging the pain doesn’t make you weak, it makes you honest and brave.
2. Prioritize your safety
If you’re still in contact with the narcissist, now’s the time to create a safety plan. This might involve changing locks, blocking phone numbers, or even relocating. Don’t underestimate the importance of feeling both physically and emotionally safe—reach out to trusted friends, family, or a domestic violence hotline for support.
3. Establish No Contact (or Limited Contact)
Healing can’t truly begin until you’ve distanced yourself from the source of pain. If possible, cut all ties with the narcissist (this includes social media, too…no lurking!). There are some cases where you might not be able to do that, like if you have children together, so aim for as little interaction as possible. Use methods like parallel parenting or communicate only through lawyers when necessary.
4. Get professional help
You wouldn’t try to set a broken bone on your own, would you? Your emotional well-being deserves the same level of professional care. Look for a therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse recovery. They can provide valuable tools for processing trauma, rebuilding self-esteem, and establishing healthy boundaries. And please don’t be discouraged if you don’t click with the first therapist you try—it’s okay to shop around until you find the right fit.
5. Reconnect with yourself
Chances are, you lost touch with your own needs, wants, and identity during the relationship. Now’s the time to rediscover who you are. What did you love doing before the narcissist came into your life? What dreams did you put on hold? Start small—maybe it’s reading a book you enjoy or taking a walk in nature. Gradually reintroduce activities that bring you joy.
6. Practice self-compassion
The voice in your head might be pretty harsh right now, possibly mimicking the narcissist’s criticisms. It’s time to change that narrative. Treat yourself with the kindness you’d show a good friend. When you catch yourself in negative self-talk, pause and reframe it. You’re not “stupid” for having been in this relationship, you’re strong for having survived and left it.
7. Rebuild your support network
According to Charlie Health, narcissists often isolate their victims from friends and family. Reach out to the ones you’ve lost touch with. Be honest about what you’ve been through—you might be surprised at how understanding and supportive people can be. If old relationships can’t be salvaged, focus on building new, healthy ones. Support groups for narcissistic abuse survivors can also be incredibly helpful here.
8. Educate yourself
Knowledge is power. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder, the cycles of abuse, and manipulation tactics. This isn’t about diagnosing your ex, but about understanding what happened to you. It can help you process your experiences and spot red flags in the future. Just be careful not to let this research consume you.
9. Set and enforce boundaries
Your boundaries were likely trampled in your previous relationship. So, let’s start establishing new, healthy ones. Maybe that’s saying no to an invitation you’re not comfortable with, or asking a friend not to discuss your ex. The more you practice, the more you’ll get comfortable asserting your needs and limits.
10. Focus on physical health
According to the Mayo Clinic, stress and trauma take a toll on your body. Pay attention to the basics: get enough sleep, eat nutritious foods, and incorporate exercise into your routine. We’re not talking about drastic changes or punishing yourself, you just need to nurture your body as part of overall healing. Even a short daily walk or adding more vegetables to your diet can make a big difference in how you feel.
11. Explore mindfulness and grounding techniques
Anxiety and flashbacks are common after narcissistic abuse. Learning mindfulness techniques can help you manage overwhelming emotions. Try simple breathing exercises, meditation, or grounding techniques like the 5-4-3-2-1 method (identify 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste).
12. Rediscover your passions and set new goals
It’s time to dream again. What do you want your life to look like now that you’re free? Start setting goals—both small, achievable ones and bigger, long-term aspirations. Maybe you want to learn a new skill, change careers, or travel. Breaking these goals down into manageable steps can give you a sense of progress and purpose.
13. Practice forgiveness (of yourself)
This step often trips people up. To be clear: you don’t need to forgive the narcissist. But work on forgiving yourself. Let go of the “should haves” and “if only’s.” You did the best you could with the information and resources you had at the time. Self-forgiveness is a process, not a destination, so be patient with yourself.
14. Be cautious in new relationships
As you start to feel stronger, you might consider dating again. Take it slow. Be aware of your patterns and any tendencies to fall into familiar, unhealthy dynamics. It’s okay to be cautious and to take your time getting to know someone. Remember, a healthy partner will respect your boundaries and be understanding of your past experiences.
15. Celebrate your progress
Healing isn’t linear, and there will be setbacks along the way. That’s normal. Make sure to acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how insignificant it might seem. Did you assert a boundary today? Celebrate. Did you go a whole day without thinking about your ex? That’s worth recognizing. Each step forward is a victory.
17. Give back (when you’re ready)
At some point in your healing journey, you might feel called to help others who have been through similar experiences. This could be through formal volunteer work, participating more actively in support groups, or simply being there for a friend in need. Helping others can be incredibly empowering and can give new meaning to your experiences.
