Let’s talk about something that might hit close to home for some of you—growing up without enough affection. It’s not always easy to recognize, but the way we were loved (or not loved) as kids can leave quite an impression on our adult lives. In this article, we’re going to explore the signs that might indicate you grew up starved for affection. Some might resonate with you, others might not—and that’s okay—this is about understanding ourselves better.
1. Difficulty Being Alone
If you panic at the thought of being alone or always need to be in a relationship, it might be because solitude triggers those old feelings of being unloved or abandoned. You might fill your schedule to the brim or hop from one relationship to another, all to avoid facing that inner emptiness.
2. Overachieving or Underachieving
Some people respond to childhood affection deprivation by becoming overachievers, constantly trying to prove their worth through accomplishments. Others might underachieve, subconsciously believing they don’t deserve success. Both are ways of coping with that early lack of unconditional love and acceptance.
3. Difficulty Accepting Love
Even when people genuinely care for you, you might find it hard to believe or accept their love. You might push away kind gestures or doubt the sincerity of loving words, all because accepting love feels foreign and frightening. It’s like your brain is hardwired to be suspicious of affection.
4. Romanticizing Relationships
You might have a tendency to idealize relationships, imagining that the perfect partner will finally fill that affection void from childhood. This can lead to a series of disappointments as real people inevitably fail to live up to these fantasies. You’re trying to use adult relationships to heal childhood wounds and spoiler alert: it doesn’t work.
5. People-Pleasing Tendencies
According to Psychology Today, if you’re always saying yes and putting others’ needs before your own, it might be because you learned early on that affection had to be earned. You hope that if you’re useful enough, people will stick around. It’s exhausting, right? Always being “on,” always trying to anticipate what others need. But remember, real love doesn’t come with a price tag or a to-do list.
6. Fear of Abandonment
Do you feel like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop in relationships? This fear can make you clingy, feel the need to constantly seek reassurance, or paradoxically, it might make you push people away first. It’s kind of like you’re playing the game of “You can’t fire me, I quit!” This stems from that childhood fear that love is fleeting and unreliable.
7. Trust Issues
According to Psych Central, when affection was scarce growing up, trusting others can feel like trying to learn a foreign language. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing people’s motives, always looking for the hidden agenda behind every kind word or gesture. It’s your brain’s way of protecting you from past hurts, but it can also keep you from forming deep connections.
8. Low Self-Esteem
If you grew up feeling unworthy of affection, you might carry that belief into adulthood. You might struggle to accept compliments, always feeling like you’re not quite good enough. That inner critic is working overtime, but remember, it’s operating on outdated information from your childhood.
9. Intense Reactions to Praise or Criticism
When affection was a rare commodity in childhood, any form of attention—good or bad—can feel amplified as an adult. Praise might make you squirm, feeling undeserving or skeptical. Criticism, on the other hand, can feel devastating, triggering those old feelings of unworthiness. Your emotional volume knob is stuck on max.
10. Difficulty Expressing Emotions
If your childhood home was an emotion-free zone, dealing with feelings as an adult can be tricky. You might struggle to identify what you’re feeling or express those emotions to others. This can lead to bottling things up until you explode over something minor or feeling overwhelmed when strong emotions do surface.
11. Perfectionism
You might find yourself striving for perfection in everything you do, believing that if you’re just “good enough,” you’ll finally earn the affection you crave. This perfectionism can be paralyzing, making you afraid to try new things or share your work with others. It’s exhausting trying to be flawless all the time, isn’t it?
12. Difficulty Setting Boundaries
If affection was conditional growing up, you might struggle with setting healthy boundaries as an adult. You may fear that saying “no” or expressing your needs will lead to rejection. This can result in you overextending yourself or allowing others to treat you poorly, all in the name of maintaining relationships.
13. Awkwardness with Physical Touch
You might find yourself flinching at unexpected touches or feeling uncomfortable with hugs. On the flip side, you might crave physical touch intensely, seeking it out as a way to fill that childhood void. Either way, it’s your adult self trying to navigate the confusing terrain of physical affection.
14. Seeking External Validation
Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval from others? This might manifest as always needing someone else’s opinion before making decisions or basing your self-worth on others’ perceptions of you. It’s like you’re looking for others to fill that affection gap from childhood.
15. Attachment Issues in Relationships
You might swing between being overly attached in relationships and being fiercely independent. One moment you’re clingy, the next you’re pushing people away. This rollercoaster stems from the inconsistent affection you received as a child, making it hard to find a balanced attachment style as an adult.
