According to Psychology Today, manipulators are masters of language, using certain phrases as tools to control, deflect, or gaslight. By recognizing these linguistic red flags, we can better protect ourselves from manipulation. Let’s look at some key phrases that manipulative people often use.
1. “You’re the only one who has a problem with this.”
This phrase is designed to isolate you and make you feel like the odd one out. By suggesting that everyone else is fine with their behavior, the manipulator attempts to normalize their actions and paint you as overly sensitive or difficult. It’s a way of applying peer pressure, even if the “peers” they’re referring to are imaginary or misinformed.
2. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
This dismissive statement is a subtle form of gaslighting. It minimizes your concerns and feelings, making you question whether your reaction is justified. Manipulators use this phrase to avoid addressing the real issue at hand by suggesting that the problem lies in your perception rather than their behavior. It can leave you feeling confused and doubting your own judgment, which is exactly what the manipulator wants.
3. “I’m not perfect, you know.”
While this might sound humble, manipulative people often use it as a deflection tactic. By stating the obvious—that they’re not perfect—they’re attempting to lower your expectations and excuse their behavior without actually taking responsibility or making any effort to change. It’s a way of shutting down criticism and avoiding accountability, essentially saying, “You can’t expect me to do better because I’m flawed.”
4. “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”
Ah, the classic phrase used to induce guilt and shame. It implies that you’ve failed to meet their expectations, which can be particularly effective if you value their opinion. It’s a subtler form of expressing disapproval that can leave you feeling worse than if they’d simply expressed anger.
5. “I’m only doing this for your own good.”
This phrase can be used to justify controlling or hurtful behavior under the guise of care and concern. It suggests that the manipulator knows what’s best for you better than you do, infantilizing you and undermining your autonomy.
6. “You made me do it.”
This phrase absolves the speaker of all responsibility for their actions by placing the blame squarely on you. It’s a hallmark of manipulative behavior, suggesting that their actions are always a result of something you did or didn’t do.
7. “You’re so lucky to have me.”
This phrase is a red flag for narcissistic behavior. It implies that you should be grateful for their presence in your life, regardless of how they treat you. It’s often used to create a power imbalance in the relationship, suggesting that you’re somehow less than them or that you owe them something simply for being with you.
8. “I don’t remember it that way.”
While it’s natural for people to have different recollections of events, manipulators consistently use this phrase to cast doubt on your memory and perceptions. It’s a subtle form of gaslighting that can make you question your memory, especially when used repeatedly. The manipulator might even go on to present a completely different version of events, leaving you confused and unsure about what really happened.
9. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
At first glance, this might seem like an apology, but look closer. This phrase cleverly avoids taking any responsibility for actions that might have caused hurt feelings. Instead, it puts the onus on you for feeling bad, rather than on them for behaving badly. It’s an apology for your feelings, not for their actions.
10. “If you really loved me, you would…”
This emotional blackmail leverages your affection against you. It’s a manipulative way of getting what they want by implying that your love is conditional on your compliance. Healthy relationships don’t require constant proof of love through actions or sacrifices.
11. “I’m not trying to start a fight, but…”
This preface is often followed by a statement designed to provoke a reaction. It’s a way of deflecting responsibility for the conflict that follows, as they’ve already stated they’re not trying to start a fight.
12. “You should have known…”
This phrase unfairly places the burden of mind-reading on you. It’s often used to make you feel guilty for not anticipating their needs or wants, even if they never expressed them.
13. “I’ve done so much for you.”
While gratitude is important in relationships, manipulators use this phrase to create a sense of indebtedness. They remind you of their “generosity” to make you feel obligated to comply with their wishes.
14. “You’re being too sensitive.”
According to Marriage.com, this classic gaslighting technique is used to invalidate your feelings and make you doubt your emotional reactions. When someone says this, they’re essentially telling you that your feelings aren’t legitimate or worthy of consideration. It’s a way of shifting blame onto you for having a normal emotional response to their behavior.
15. “You’re overreacting.”
Similar to “you’re being too sensitive,” this phrase invalidates your feelings and suggests that your reaction is the problem, not the behavior that triggered it. It’s often used to make you feel unreasonable for having a strong emotional response.
