When we think of narcissists, we often picture the loud, grandiose type who can’t stop talking about themselves. But there’s another, less obvious form of narcissism that can be just as harmful, if not more so: the collapsed narcissist. According to the Cleveland Clinic, a collapsed narcissist, also known as a vulnerable or covert narcissist, is someone who exhibits many of the same traits as a typical narcissist but in a more subtle, inward-focused way. Spooky, right? Let’s talk about why these people can be so dangerous.
1. They’re Masters of Disguise
Unlike their louder counterparts, collapsed narcissists can fly under the radar for years. They often present themselves as shy, sensitive souls and this facade makes it challenging to spot their narcissistic traits early on. You’ll likely find yourself deeply involved before you realize something’s off, making it harder to leave the relationship.
2. They Can Trigger Trauma Bonds
The push-pull dynamic they create, alternating between neediness and emotional unavailability, can lead to trauma bonding. According to Psychology Today, this psychological phenomenon makes it incredibly difficult for people to leave relationships with collapsed narcissists, even when they recognize the harm being done. You might find yourself addicted to the cycle of intermittent reinforcement, constantly hoping for the “good times” to return.
3. They’re Envious and Resentful
They’re often deeply envious of others’ success but try to cover it up with feigned indifference or backhanded compliments. You might notice them downplaying your achievements or finding subtle ways to compete with you. This underlying resentment can ruin relationships over time, creating a negative atmosphere where it’s hard for anyone to genuinely celebrate successes.
4. They’re Hypersensitive to Criticism
Even the tiniest perceived criticism can send them into a tailspin of hurt feelings and resentment. This doesn’t just apply to direct criticism—even a neutral comment or constructive feedback can be interpreted as an attack. As a result, you might find yourself constantly monitoring your words and actions to avoid triggering their fragile ego, which can be exhausting.
5. They Engage in Passive Sabotage
While they might not directly attack you, they can subtly undermine your success or relationships out of envy. This could involve “forgetting” to pass on important messages, giving bad advice, or subtly discouraging you from pursuing opportunities. This covert sabotage can be hard to prove but damaging nonetheless, potentially impacting your career, friendships, or personal growth.
6. They Instill Self-Doubt
You might start second-guessing your decisions or feeling unsure about your own feelings and reactions. Over time, this can mess with your self-confidence and decision-making abilities, making you increasingly reliant on the narcissist for validation and guidance.
7. They’re Emotional Chameleons
Collapsed narcissists are great at mirroring others’ emotions to gain sympathy or manipulate situations. They might suddenly seem deeply empathetic when it serves their purposes. This false empathy can be very convincing and draw people in, making it hard to distinguish when they’re being genuine.
8. They Create Codependent Relationships
Their constant need for support can make for unhealthy codependent dynamics in relationships. You might find yourself constantly prioritizing their needs over your own, losing sight of your own identity and goals. This codependency can be hard to break free from, as your sense of self-worth becomes tied to your ability to “help” or “fix” the narcissist.
9. They’re Emotionally Unavailable
Despite their constant need for support, they’re often incapable of providing genuine emotional support in return. When you need them, they might be dismissive, change the subject, or somehow make it about themselves. This one-sided dynamic can be deeply frustrating and hurtful, leaving you feeling unsupported and alone in the relationship.
10. They Have Unrealistic Expectations
Their hidden grandiosity often leads to unrealistic expectations of others and situations. They might expect perfection from you or believe they deserve special treatment without having to earn it. When reality doesn’t meet their expectations, they become deeply resentful, blaming others for their disappointments.
11. They’re Masters of Silent Treatment
When they feel slighted, collapsed narcissists might resort to the silent treatment as a form of punishment and control. This isn’t just about needing space—it’s a calculated move to make you anxious and remorseful. The silent treatment can last for days or even weeks, causing so much distress and disrupting daily life.
12. They Struggle with Accountability
Taking responsibility for their actions is nearly impossible for a collapsed narcissist. They’ll go to great lengths to avoid admitting fault, often blaming others or circumstances instead. This lack of accountability prevents genuine problem-solving and growth.
13. They Create Drama
Despite their seemingly shy exterior, collapsed narcissists often create or exaggerate drama to gain attention and sympathy. They might blow small issues out of proportion or insert themselves into conflicts that don’t involve them. This can lead to a chaotic and stressful environment for those around them—you never know when the next crisis will erupt.
14. They Use Guilt as a Weapon
Collapsed narcissists are experts at inducing guilt in others to get what they want. They might make comments like “After all I’ve done for you…” or “If you really cared about me, you would…”. This guilt-tripping can manipulate you into doing things you’re not comfortable with or neglecting your own needs to cater to theirs.
15. They’re Emotional Vampires
They have an insatiable need for emotional support, constantly draining the energy of those around them. It’s like trying to fill a bottomless pit—no matter how much attention or care you provide, it’s never enough. This can leave their friends, family, and partners feeling exhausted and emotionally depleted, potentially impacting their own mental health and relationships.
