Maybe you can’t put your finger on it, but your gut has been telling you someone you thought was your ride-or-die buddy might be your enemy. Enter the world of frenemies: those tricky individuals who masquerade as friends while secretly (or not-so-secretly) undermining you. Let’s look at the signs that your so-called friend might actually be a frenemy in disguise.
1. They’re jealous
Your other relationships seem to irk them. Whether it’s your significant other, other close friends, or even family members, your frenemy always has something negative to say about the people you care about. This isolating behavior is often an attempt to make themselves your primary social connection.
2. They keep score
Their support comes with strings attached. When they do help you out, it’s never just out of kindness. They’ll remind you of their favor repeatedly or expect something substantial in return. True friendship involves give and take, but it shouldn’t feel like a transaction.
3. They’re the town gossip
They’re always in the know about everyone’s business. If your friend seems to have an endless supply of juicy gossip, it might be time to wonder where they’re getting all this info—and more importantly, what they’re saying about you when you’re not around. According to Insight Therapy, excessive gossip is often a sign of untrustworthiness.
4. They see life as a big game
Everything’s a competition to them. You share some good news, and instead of being happy for you, they immediately try to one-up you. Got a promotion? They just landed their dream job. Bought a new car? They’re test-driving luxury vehicles. This constant need to outdo you stems from their own insecurities and inability to genuinely celebrate your successes.
5. They leave you out
Somehow, you’re left out of group hangouts or events where all your mutual friends are present. But when confronted, they act surprised or claim it was an innocent mistake. Once or twice might be an oversight, but a pattern of exclusion is a red flag.
6. They’re absent when you need them
Life’s throwing you curveballs, and suddenly your friend has a million excuses why they can’t be there for you. But watch how quickly they resurface when things are looking up or when they need something from you. True friends show up in tough times; frenemies conveniently disappear.
7. They remind you of past mess-ups
They have a knack for bringing up your past mistakes or embarrassing moments, especially in front of others. It’s as if they keep a mental catalog of your slip-ups, ready to deploy at the most inopportune times. This behavior is often disguised as playful teasing, but it’s actually a way to assert dominance and make you feel small.
8. Their social media behavior towards you is…odd
In the age of likes and shares, a frenemy’s true colors often shine through online. They might leave ambiguous comments on your posts, conspicuously avoid engaging with your successes, or worse—subtly undermine you in public forums. Pay attention to these digital dynamics; they often reflect real-life beliefs.
9. Your gut feels off around them
Even if you can’t pinpoint why, you feel drained, anxious, or on edge after spending time with them, you’re constantly on high alert around them. Don’t ignore these instincts—your subconscious might be picking up on subtle cues that your conscious mind hasn’t fully processed yet.
10. They’re masters of the backhanded compliment
Ugh, we all dread those comments that sound nice on the surface but leave you feeling a bit off. Like when they say, “Wow, you’re so brave to wear that outfit!” These subtle jabs are designed to knock you down a peg while maintaining plausible deniability.
11. They frequently play the victim
And they do this even more so when called out on their behavior. If you try to address issues in your friendship, they quickly flip the script, making you feel like you’re the one at fault. According to Thriveworks, this deflection tactic is designed to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
12. They’re weirdly protective of their phone around you
Ever notice how they always keep their screen facing down or quickly lock it when you’re nearby? This behavior might suggest they’re talking about you behind your back or engaging in conversations they don’t want you to see. While everyone deserves privacy, excessive secrecy in a friendship can be a red flag.
13. Their ‘jokes’ come at your expense
Humor is a big part of many friendships, but there’s a fine line between playful teasing and hurtful comments. If you find yourself frequently being the butt of their jokes, especially about sensitive topics, and they dismiss your discomfort with a casual “Can’t you take a joke?”, it’s worth paying attention to. True friends know where to draw the line.
14. They love to play devil’s advocate…
…but only with your ideas. Healthy debate can be great, but if you notice they’re constantly challenging your thoughts and decisions while readily agreeing with others, something’s off. This behavior is often an attempt to undermine your confidence and assert intellectual dominance.
15. Their presence in your life seems to ebb and flow with your success
When you’re doing well or have something they want (be it connections, resources, or status), they’re suddenly your best friend. But the moment your social currency dips or you hit a rough patch? Poof, they’re nowhere to be found. True friends stick around through thick and thin, not just when it’s advantageous to them.
