You know the moment when someone delivers a “compliment” that leaves us feeling more insulted than praise? These backhanded compliments, also known as passive-aggressive remarks according to Verywell Mind, can be confusing and hurtful. But fear not! This guide will equip you with strategies to respond effectively.
1. The Situational Backhanded Compliment
The dig: “You’re so eloquent when you’re presenting. It’s a shame you’re so quiet in meetings.”
A good response could be, “I’m glad you enjoy my presentations. I actually contribute in various ways, including in meetings, but I believe in speaking up when I have something valuable to add, not just for the sake of being heard.”
2. The “Despite Your Choices” Compliment
The dig: “You’ve done so well for yourself, even though you chose to be a stay-at-home parent for a few years.”
To respond, you might say, “Thank you, I’m proud of my accomplishments. My choice to be a stay-at-home parent was a valuable one that contributed to who I am today. Every experience shapes us.” This response stands firm in your choices while acknowledging your success.
3. The “You’re Not Like the Others” Compliment
The dig: “You’re so cool, not like other girls/guys.”
While it might seem flattering on the surface, it’s actually reinforcing harmful stereotypes. A good response might be, “I appreciate that you find me cool, but I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to generalize about any group of people. Everyone is unique and has their own great qualities.”
4. The Effort vs. Talent Backhanded Compliment
The dig: “Wow, you must have worked really hard to achieve that!”
While this can be a genuine compliment, it can also imply a lack of natural talent. If you feel this is the case, you might respond with, “Thank you, I did work hard, and I’m fortunate to have a natural aptitude for this as well. It’s usually a combination of both talent and effort that leads to success.” This response acknowledges the hard work while also asserting your innate abilities.
5. The Skill-Related Shock
The dig: “Wow, you’re actually good at this!”
The key to responding is to confidently affirm your abilities without sounding defensive. Try something like, “I’m glad you enjoyed my performance! I’ve always been passionate about this skill and I put a lot of effort into improving.” This response highlights your dedication and talent without directly challenging them.
6. The Age-Related “Compliment”
The dig: “You look good for your age.”
These remarks can be particularly stinging as they play on societal ageism, which according to APA is the discrimination of older people because of inaccurate or negative stereotypes. A good response strategy is to challenge the underlying assumption without being confrontational. For instance, “Thank you, but I don’t think age determines ability or appearance. There are amazing people of all ages in every field.”
7. The Personality Critique Disguised as Praise
The dig: “You’re so much more fun when you loosen up!”
A good response might be, “I’m always myself, and I’m glad you’re enjoying our interaction right now.” This assertion of your consistent self-worth challenges their implication without being defensive.
8. The Compliment That’s Really About Them
The dig: “I wish I could be as carefree about my appearance as you are.”
A good response turns it back to them without being unkind: “I’m actually quite thoughtful about my appearance. It sounds like you might be feeling some pressure about yours. Remember, confidence is the best accessory!”
9. The Overcompensation Compliment
The dig: “You’re so incredibly smart, it totally makes up for your lack of social skills!”
A good response might be, “I’m glad you appreciate my intelligence. I actually consider myself quite well-rounded, with strong social skills as well. Perhaps we just have different styles of interaction.” This gently corrects their assumption while maintaining a positive tone.
10. The Compliment That Questions Your Authenticity
The dig: “I love how you don’t care what anyone thinks, even if it’s just an act.”
A good response might be, “I appreciate that you’ve noticed my confidence. It’s not an act—it’s a result of self-reflection and personal growth. We’re all on our own journeys of self-improvement.” This response affirms your authenticity while acknowledging that personal development is a process.
11. The Compliment That’s Really a Criticism of Others
The dig: “You’re so patient with your kids. I don’t know how you deal with them!”
To respond, you might say, “Thank you, I do work on being patient. My children are a joy to me, even when parenting is challenging. Every family has its own dynamic.” This acknowledges the compliment while defending your loved ones and setting a boundary.
12. The Reluctant Compliment
The dig: “I hate to admit it, but you did a good job.”
To respond, you might say, “I’m glad you found my work valuable. In the future, feel free to share positive feedback without reluctance —it’s always appreciated!” This response encourages more straightforward communication in the future.
13. The Compliment That’s Really a Request
The dig: “You’re so good with computers, unlike me. I bet you could fix my laptop in no time!”
A tactful response might be, “Thanks for the compliment on my tech skills. If you’d like help with your laptop, I’d be happy to look at it, but please ask directly next time. I appreciate clear communication.” This sets boundaries while still being helpful.
14. The Backhanded Cultural Compliment
The dig: “Your English is so good!” (to a person of color who’s a native speaker).
Responding to these requires a delicate balance of education and assertiveness. You might say, “I appreciate your intention to compliment me, but I’ve actually spoken English all my life as it’s my native language.” This response politely corrects their assumption while opening the door for a more meaningful conversation about diversity and assumptions.
15. The Comparative Compliment
The dig: “You’re so much smarter than your brother!”
A tactful response might be, “I appreciate the compliment, but I don’t like comparing myself to others. We all have our unique strengths.” This response maintains your integrity while gently discouraging such comparisons in the future.
16. The Backhanded Professional Compliment
The dig: “Great job on that presentation! I didn’t expect it to go so well.”
To respond, focus on your preparation and skills: “Thank you, I put a lot of effort into ensuring my presentations are always of high quality.” This reinforces your consistent professionalism.
17. The “Despite Your Background” Compliment
The dig: “It’s impressive how successful you are, considering where you came from.”
A good response acknowledges your journey while challenging the assumption: “My background has given me unique perspectives and drive. Success isn’t about where you start, but how hard you work and the choices you make.”
