Remember when you and your partner were inseparable, sharing inside jokes and finishing each other’s sentences? If that spark seems to have faded and you’re feeling more like roommates than soulmates, don’t worry. It’s common for couples to drift apart, but with effort and dedication, you can rekindle that close friendship. Here are some strategies to help you reconnect with your partner and rebuild that best-friend bond.
1. Acknowledge the drift
The first step is recognizing that you’ve grown apart. Have an honest conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling. This vulnerability can open the door to reconnection. Share your observations without blame, using “I” statements like, “I’ve noticed that we don’t spend as much quality time together as we used to, and I miss that closeness.” Be specific about the changes you’ve observed and encourage your partner to share their perspective too.
2. Share daily highlights
Take turns sharing your “rose” (something positive), “thorn” (a challenge), and “bud” (something you’re looking forward to) from the day. This practice not only keeps you informed about each other’s lives but also provides opportunities for support and celebration. For instance, if your partner’s “bud” is consistently work-related, it might prompt a discussion about career aspirations and how you can support each other’s professional growth.
3. Practice active listening
When your partner speaks, give them your full attention. Sounds obvious, but put down your phone, turn off the TV, and really listen. Ask follow-up questions and show genuine interest in what they’re saying. This small act can make your partner feel valued and understood. According to Donna Wilson Phd., who coined the term, a good thing to remember is the HEAR technique: Halt (stop what you’re doing), Engage (give full attention), Anticipate (look forward to what your partner will say), and Replay (reflect back what you’ve heard).
4. Surprise each other
Bring back the element of surprise in your relationship. Create a “surprise jar” where you both put in ideas for small surprises or gestures of love. These could range from “breakfast in bed” to “plan a mystery date night.” Regularly draw from this jar to keep the element of surprise alive in your relationship. Pay attention to your partner’s offhand comments about things they like or want to try, and use these as inspiration for thoughtful surprises.
5. Give each other space
It may sound counterintuitive, but having separate interests and friendships can actually bring you closer. It gives you both room to grow on your own and brings a sense of fresh energy into the relationship. Look at you two supporting each other’s independence while maintaining your connection!
6. Create new rituals
Establish new routines that bring you closer. This could be a daily 10-minute check-in over coffee, a weekly Sunday brunch where you plan the week ahead, or a monthly “adventure day” where you explore a new place together. These rituals provide consistent opportunities for connection and create a sense of “us” in your daily life. They also give you something to look forward to!
7. Schedule regular date nights
Duh, but committing to weekly or bi-weekly date nights is a great re-connector. Alternate responsibility for planning these dates to keep things fresh and show effort from both sides. And don’t just stick to dinner and a movie—try new experiences like taking a cooking class together, going on a local food tour, or attending a live music event. During these dates, establish a “no phone” rule to show you’re fully present with each other.
8. Practice forgiveness
Set aside time to discuss any lingering resentments calmly and openly. Use the “I feel… when you… because…” format to express your feelings without blame. For example, “I feel hurt when you cancel our plans last minute because it makes me feel like I’m not a priority.” Remember that forgiveness is a process—it may take time and repeated efforts.
9. Show interest in their world
If your partner is passionate about a particular hobby, ask them to teach you about it or show you why they love it. Let’s say your partner loves photography, ask them to explain their favorite techniques or go on a “photo walk” together. This shows that you value what’s important to them and want to be part of their universe.
10. Practice empathy
Regularly put yourself in your partner’s shoes. When disagreements happen, take a moment to imagine how the situation looks from their perspective. Use phrases like “It sounds like you’re feeling…” to show you’re trying to understand their emotions. Empathy doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything, but it does mean making a genuine effort to understand and validate your partner’s feelings.
11. Laugh together
Make laughter a priority. Share funny videos or memes you come across during the day. Have a weekly comedy night where you watch stand-up specials or funny movies together. Play silly games like “Would You Rather.” Reminisce about funny moments from your past and create a “highlight reel” of your funniest memories together. Laughter reminds you of the fun you have together and can help you navigate challenges with a lighter heart.
12. Express gratitude regularly
Each day, share one thing you appreciate about your partner. Be specific in your appreciation. Instead of a general “Thanks for being you,” try “I really appreciate how you took the time to listen to me vent about work today. It made me feel supported and understood.” Consider keeping a shared gratitude journal where you both write down these appreciations. Reading through it together periodically can be a reminder of the positive aspects of your relationship.
13. Be vulnerable
Start with smaller things and gradually open up about deeper feelings as trust builds. Respond to your partner’s vulnerability with empathy and support, avoiding judgment or trying to “fix” their feelings. Regular vulnerable exchanges can dramatically deepen your emotional intimacy and strengthen your bond.
14. Bring back physical affection
Create a “touch ritual”—this could be a 20-second hug when you reunite after work, holding hands during your evening walk, or a shoulder massage while watching TV. These acts of physical affection release oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” which can help you feel closer. Openly discuss what types of touch make you both feel most connected.
15. Seek professional help if needed
If you’re struggling to reconnect on your own, it might be time to consider couples therapy. Look for a therapist who specializes in couples counseling and uses evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy or the Gottman Method (this one focuses on repairing relationships, according to Psychology Today). Even if things aren’t “bad,” therapy can be a proactive step to strengthen your bond and prevent future issues.
