We all want love, right? But sometimes our past experiences or fears can lead us to build invisible barriers that keep potential partners at arm’s length. If you’ve been struggling in your romantic life and can’t quite figure out why, you might be unconsciously putting up emotional walls. Let’s look at some telltale signs that you’re doing just that.
1. You’re All About Small Talk
You’re the king or queen of small talk, but deep conversations? Not so much. You’ve mastered the art of chatting about the weather, work, and weekend plans, but when it comes to sharing your true thoughts and feelings, you clam up. This tendency to keep conversations surface-level prevents genuine connections from forming and keeps others from truly knowing you.
2. You’re a Ghoster
Ghosting isn’t just something that happens to you—it’s your go-to move. When things start getting real with someone, you suddenly become the busiest person on earth. Your matches on dating apps? They’ve probably filed a missing persons report by now. This disappearing act is a classic defense mechanism to avoid the vulnerability that comes with developing real feelings.
3.”It’s Not You, It’s Me” Mantra is On Repeat
“It’s not you, it’s me” is your relationship mantra. You’ve used this line so many times, that you’re considering getting it tattooed. But here’s the thing: maybe it really is you, and it’s time to face that. This self-deprecating approach might seem like you’re taking responsibility, but it’s often a way to deflect deeper introspection and avoid addressing real issues.
4. You Prioritize Physical Over Emotional Closeness
Physical intimacy? Check. Emotional intimacy? Error 404, not found. You’re all for a good cuddle or a passionate kiss, but the moment someone asks about your childhood or your deepest fears, you’re suddenly very interested in reorganizing your sock drawer. This split between physical and emotional closeness can leave your partners feeling confused and unfulfilled.
5. You Keep Your Dates Under Wraps
Your friends know more about your barista than your romantic interests. You can recite your coffee shop order in your sleep, but ask you about your date last night, and suddenly you’ve got amnesia. This reluctance to share details about your romantic life, even with close friends, can be a sign that you’re trying to keep your love life separate from the rest of your world.
6. You Can Always Find a Flaw
You’re a pro at finding flaws in potential partners. You could write a dissertation on why that tiny mole on their left earlobe is a dealbreaker. Hmm, it’s almost like you’re looking for reasons to not get involved… This hypercritical approach is often a defense mechanism to justify pushing people away before they can get close enough to hurt you.
7. You’re Terrified of Commitment
The word “commitment” makes you break out in hives. Seriously, you should see a doctor about that. Or maybe a therapist. This visceral reaction to the idea of committing to someone is a clear sign that you’re afraid of the vulnerability and potential pain that can come with a serious relationship.
8. You Always Lean On The “Too Busy” Excuse
You’re always “too busy” for a relationship. Your schedule is so packed, you barely have time to breathe. But let’s be real—if Idris Elba or Margot Robbie asked you out, you’d clear your calendar pretty fast.” Using busyness as an excuse is a common way to avoid facing your fears of intimacy.
9. You Won’t Talk About The Past
Your past relationships are a forbidden topic. Mentioning an ex around you is like saying “Voldemort” in the Harry Potter universe—it’s just not done. But, those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and refusing to discuss past relationships can prevent you from processing old hurts and learning valuable lessons.
10. You Give Off Mixed Signals
You’re the master of mixed signals. One day you’re all in, the next you’re colder than than the North Pole. Your love interests need a degree in psychology just to figure you out. This inconsistency is often a result of internal conflict between wanting closeness and fearing vulnerability, according to Better Help.
11. You Have Trouble Trusting
Trust issues? You’ve got ’em in spades. You trust people about as far as you can throw them—and let’s face it, you’re not exactly a bodybuilder. This lack of trust can stem from past hurts, but constantly assuming the worst in others can also become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
12. You’re Pessimistic
You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even when things are going well, you’re on high alert for any sign that it’s about to fall apart. Newsflash: this constant state of anxiety isn’t doing your love life any favors. This pessimism can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, sabotaging potentially good relationships.
13. You Pretend You’ll Be “Happier Alone”
You’ve convinced yourself that you’re “happier alone.” And maybe you are…for now. But if you find yourself longing for connection while simultaneously pushing people away, it might be time to reevaluate. It’s okay to enjoy solitude, but be honest with yourself about your true desires.
14. You Have a Fear of Being Known
The idea of someone truly knowing you terrifies you more than public speaking and spiders combined. Vulnerability can be scary, but it’s also the key to genuine connection. Maybe it’s time to take a deep breath and let someone see the real, imperfect, wonderfully complex you. Remember, being known and accepted for who you truly are is one of life’s greatest joys.
15. You’re A Serial Dater
You’re a serial dater, but never a committer. Your dating history looks like a revolving door of short-term flings. It’s great that you’re putting yourself out there, but are you ever really letting anyone in? Constant dating without deepening connections can be a way to avoid the risks of real intimacy, according to Verywell Mind.
