We’re going all in on a topic that doesn’t get nearly enough attention: growing up with a narcissistic sibling. If you’ve lived this experience, you know it’s like being stuck in an alternate reality where your sibling always looks perfect, and you’re left feeling… well, less than. Let’s unpack some of the long-lasting effects this can have.
1. You take on all the responsibility
Did you find yourself playing the role of peacekeeper in your family? Always trying to smooth things over, keep everyone happy, and prevent your narcissistic sibling from having a meltdown? Fast forward to adulthood, and you might find yourself taking on way too much responsibility for others’ feelings and actions. You’re the one organizing every group project, mediating every conflict, and losing sleep over other people’s problems.
2. You always feel second best
Narcissistic siblings have a knack for hogging the spotlight. They’re the star, the director, and the whole dang crew rolled into one. Growing up like this can leave you with a nagging feeling that you’re never quite good enough. You might find yourself constantly seeking approval or validation, even as an adult. It’s sad.
3. You’re a different person in different situations
Living with a narcissistic sibling is like being in a minefield. You learned to adapt quickly, reading the room and adjusting your behavior to avoid setting off any explosions. Now, you might find yourself shape-shifting in social situations, desperately trying to be what others want you to be. It’s exhausting.
4. You carry a ton of guilt
It’s like that unwanted house guest that just won’t leave. Growing up, you might have been made to feel guilty for having needs, for expressing emotions, or for simply existing in the same space as your sibling. As an adult, you find yourself apologizing for, well, everything. Did you order the wrong coffee? “I’m so sorry!” Someone bumped into you? “My bad!” That guilt tells you everything is your fault.
5. You have trust issues
Your sibling might have manipulated situations, twisted your words, or thrown you under the bus to save their own skin. As you’ve gotten older, you’ve found it hard to trust others and you feel like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
6. You have low self-esteem
Self-confidence? What’s that? Your sibling might have constantly put you down, compared you to others, or dismissed your achievements. Now, even when you’re successful, you might feel like an imposter. That little voice in your head keeps asking, “Who do you think you are?” But here’s a secret: you’re pretty darn amazing, and it’s time to start believing it.
7. You’re not good at setting boundaries
Your space, your thoughts, your feelings—nothing was really yours. As a result, you struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries. You’re a people-pleaser, unable to say no, or conversely, you might have walls so high no one can climb them. Finding that middle ground is tough, but so important for your wellbeing.
8. You need to be validated
You might overshare on social media, fish for likes and comments, or bend over backward at work for a simple “good job.” That’s because growing up, your narcissistic sibling made sure your feelings, thoughts, and experiences were invalidated or ignored. And now you’re on a never-ending quest for people on the outside to accept you.
9. You’re a perfectionist
If everything had to be perfect to avoid criticism from your narcissistic sibling, you might now find yourself paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes. You might procrastinate on projects, afraid to start because it might not be perfect. Or you might overwork yourself, burning the candle at both ends to ensure everything is flawless. But guess what: it’s okay to be gloriously imperfect.
10. You’re hyper-independent
I can do it myself!” might as well be your personal motto. Growing up, asking for help might have been seen as a weakness or simply ignored in favor of your narcissistic sibling’s needs. As a result, you’ve become fiercely independent. Need to move a couch? You’ll do it solo. Struggling with a problem? You’ll figure it out alone, thank you very much. While self-reliance is generally a good trait, taken to extremes it can lead to burnout and loneliness. It’s okay to need others. Interdependence isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength.
11. You self-sabotage
Just when things are going well, do you find yourself doing something to mess it all up? Welcome to the self-sabotage cycle. Growing up with a narcissistic sibling, you might have internalized the belief that you don’t deserve good things. Maybe your successes were downplayed, or you were made to feel guilty for outshining your sibling. Now, part of you might still believe you don’t deserve happiness or success. So you procrastinate on that big project, pick a fight with your supportive partner, or find other ways to undermine your own progress.
12. You’re always comparing yourself
You have an internal scorecard, always measuring yourself against friends, colleagues, or even strangers on social media. This habit likely stems from growing up in an environment where you were constantly compared to your narcissistic sibling (and always found wanting). Now, you’ve internalized this behavior. But remember: life isn’t a competition, and there’s no one-size-fits-all measure of success.
13. You’re overly empathetic
As a kid, you became hyper-attuned to others’ emotions as a survival mechanism. Now, you can read a room faster than most people read a text message. While empathy is generally a good thing, too much can be overwhelming. You might find yourself taking on others’ emotions, and feeling responsible for everyone’s happiness.
14. You deal with emotional flashbacks
A seemingly innocent comment from a friend or a minor disagreement at work might suddenly transport you back to feeling small, scared, or angry—just like when you were dealing with your sibling’s narcissistic behavior. Your emotional wires got crossed, and now your present is getting tangled up with your past. You’re not overreacting; you’re healing.
15. You gaslight yourself
Feel like you can’t trust your own memory or perception of events? That’s gaslighting talking. Narcissistic siblings are often masters of manipulation, twisting events to always paint themselves in the best light. Over time, this can make you doubt your own reality. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing your memories or perceptions. “Did that really happen?” “Am I overreacting?”
