Have you ever felt like you’ve finally escaped a toxic relationship with a narcissist, only to find them trying to suck you back in? According to the Cleveland Clinic, that’s called “hoovering,” and it’s a common tactic narcissists use to regain control over their victims. Let’s look at the ways to spot these manipulation attempts and, more importantly, how to resist them.
1. The sudden reappearance
Out of the blue, they pop up in your life again. Maybe it’s a text, a call, or even showing up at your favorite coffee shop. This isn’t a coincidence—it’s a calculated move to get your attention. Narcissists often keep tabs on their exes through social media or mutual friends, waiting for the right moment to strike, choosing a time when they think you’re vulnerable.
How to resist: Don’t engage. Block their number, email, and social media accounts. If they show up in person, firmly tell them to leave you alone and walk away. Remember, any response, even a negative one, gives them the attention they crave.
2. Love bombing 2.0
Remember how they showered you with affection at the start? They’re at it again, but this time it’s turned up a level. Excessive compliments, grand gestures, and promises of a better future are all part of their attempts. They’ll do things like send lavish gifts, write long, passionate messages, or even propose marriage. This intensity is designed to overwhelm you and cloud your judgment.
How to resist: Remind yourself that this behavior isn’t sustainable or genuine. Write down all the reasons you left the relationship and read them when you feel tempted. If possible, return any gifts or don’t accept them in the first place.
3. The pity party
Suddenly, their life is falling apart, and you’re the only one who can save them. They’ll say anything—they’re sick, broke, or emotionally distraught. Whatever they say, don’t fall for it—they’re just exaggerating or even fabricating problems to try to get your empathy.
How to resist: Remember that their problems are not your responsibility. Suggest they seek professional help or reach out to other friends or family.
4. Fake apologies
Oh wow, so they’re finally apologizing for their past behavior! Amazing, right? Nope, it’s probably not genuine. According to Psychology Today, look for those non-apologies like “I’m sorry you felt hurt” instead of “I’m sorry I hurt you.” True apologies come with changed behavior, not just words. Narcissists try to use these apologies as a quick fix to get back to you without the intention of changing.
How to resist: Analyze the apology critically. Does it acknowledge specific wrongdoings? Is it accompanied by concrete plans for change? If not, it’s likely just another manipulation tactic.
5. The amnesia act
They conveniently forget all the pain they caused you and act as if nothing bad ever happened. What gives? Well, it’s a gaslighting technique that aims to make you doubt your own memories and feelings. You’ll hear things like, “We were so happy together, weren’t we?” that completely glosses over the hurt.
How to resist: Keep a journal or record of the bad experiences from your relationship. When they try to rewrite history, refer back to your own account. Trust your memories and feelings—they’re valid.
6. Breadcrumbing
They drop little morsels of affection or interest, just enough to keep you hooked. A like on social media here, a vague text there—it’s all a ploy to keep you wondering and engaged. It creates a sense of anticipation and keeps you thinking about them without any real commitment on their part.
How to resist: Recognize this behavior for what it is—a way to keep you on the hook. Don’t read into these small gestures. If possible, block them on all platforms so you don’t see these breadcrumbs.
7. The emergency scenario
Whether it’s a family emergency or a work disaster, they’re counting on your kindness to help them out. A lot of the time, they’ll exaggerate the situation or just straight-up lie to make you feel needed and important.
How to resist: Remember that they have other people in their life who can help. If it’s a genuine emergency, tell them to call 911 or reach out to current friends or family. You’re not responsible for solving their problems.
8. Guilt-tripping
They remind you of all they’ve done for you or how much you “owe” them. This manipulation tactic is meant to make you feel obligated to reconnect. They might bring up past favors, gifts, or support they’ve given you, conveniently forgetting any negative aspects of your relationship.
How to resist: Recognize that healthy relationships don’t keep score. You don’t owe them anything, especially not your time or emotional energy. Remind yourself that any good they did doesn’t negate the harm they caused.
9. Hoovering by proxy
Beware, if a narcissist tries to send gifts or messages through third parties, that’s manipulation. This indirect approach allows them to bypass any boundaries you’ve put in place. So they might ask a family member to deliver a heartfelt letter or have a friend “accidentally” run into you with a gift from them. Ugh.
How to resist: Make it clear to everyone in your life that you don’t want any contact with the narcissist, including indirect contact. Return any gifts and leave messages unopened.
1o. The “changed person” claim
They insist they’ve transformed, gone to therapy, or had a spiritual awakening. Yeah right. While people can change, narcissists use this as a temporary mask to lure you back. They might show short-term improvements or make grand promises about their new outlook on life.
How to resist: Real change takes time and consistent effort. Don’t take their word for it—look for evidence of change over a long period. Even if they have changed, it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to reconnect.
11. The “accidental” contact
Oops, they didn’t mean to call you or text you—it was an accident! Except it wasn’t. This “mistake” is a calculated move to get you talking again. They might follow up with, “Well since I have you here…” to prolong the interaction.
How to resist: If it happens once, you can ignore it. If it keeps happening, block their number. Remember, true accidents are rare, especially in the age of smartphones.
12. The “just friends” approach
They suggest keeping things platonic, positioning themselves as a supportive friend. This is only to regain your trust before pushing for more. They might say, “Can’t we at least be friends?” or “I miss our talks.”
How to resist: Remember why you ended the relationship in the first place. Narcissists don’t make good friends, especially not with their exes. It’s okay to say that friendship isn’t possible and that you need a clean break.
13. Triangulation
They might try to make you jealous by flaunting a new relationship or flirting with others in your presence. The goal is to trigger your competitive instincts and pull you back into their orbit. They’ll do this by posting about their new partner on social media or ensuring you hear about their dating life through mutual friends.
How to resist: Remember that this is a manipulation tactic, not a reflection of your worth. Their new relationships are likely to be as troubled as yours was. Focus on your own growth.
14. The victim card
They portray themselves as the victim in your relationship’s ending. They might spread rumors about how badly you treated them or claim that you misunderstood their actions. What a load of garbage!
How to resist: Stay firm in your own truth. You don’t need to defend yourself, those who truly know you will see through this tactic.
15. Fake concern
Maybe they reach out under the guise of checking on your well-being. While it might seem caring, it’s just another way to re-establish contact. Watch out for messages like, “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay” or “I heard about X and wanted to check in.”
How to resist: Thank them briefly for their concern (if you respond at all) and make it clear that you’re doing fine without them. Don’t share any personal information or engage in further conversation.
