Even if you’re madly in love with someone and all you’ve ever wanted was a happy relationship commitment can be fear-inducing. Giving our heart to someone and sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings can be overwhelming for those of whom being open and intimate in every sense doesn’t come naturally. Aheads 15 ways you could be sabotaging your relationship and yourself out of fear of getting hurt.
1. You Run from Deep Conversations
A sign of being intimacy avoidant is you steer clear of deep and personal conversations. You prefer to keep discussions light and on the surface rather than opening up with your partner and discussing your fears, dreams, emotions, or feelings.
2. You Fear Being Vulnerable
If you find it difficult to open up about your feelings and emotions you could have a fear of expressing vulnerability. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your partner usually stems from a fear of being judged or rejected if you ask them for support.
3. You Keep Some Secrets
If you can’t go “all in” in a relationship you may be afraid of intimacy. Keeping secrets or withholding important aspects of your life or past from your partner means you are trying to maintain a sense of independence, privacy, and control.
4. You Avoid Physical Contact
Typically, when you’re happily and comfortably committed in a relationship you naturally indulge in PDAs (public displays of affection). If however, you feel uncomfortable with prolonged eye contact or physical intimacy, such as cuddling, holding hands, or kissing it could mean you are secretly afraid of commitment.
5. You Keep Busy to Be Avoidant
Creating distance in a relationship could mean you are afraid of intimacy and protecting yourself. If you throw yourself into work or stay constantly busy with friends, hobbies, or social activities as a way to avoid spending too much alone time with your partner this isn’t a good sign.
6. You Fear of Commitment
Being secretly afraid of intimacy can manifest as a pattern of avoiding long-term commitments or quickly ending relationships when they start to get serious. You may also avoid discussing or making plans for the future with your partner, preferring to keep things light and in the now.
7. Your Walls Are Up
Putting your emotional walls up is a common sign of fear or intimacy. Emotional barriers, like not sharing too much about yourself or showing no emotion, are a way to prevent your partner from fully getting to know you. Pushing someone away when they get too close is often a deep-seated fear of being hurt or abandoned.
8. You Have Trust Issues
Mutual trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. If you have a difficult time trusting your partner and find yourself doubting their intentions and questioning their loyalty, this could be a way to add a roadblock to prevent getting too close. If you are obsessively jealous, you may need support to improve your self-esteem and trust-issues.
9. You Criticize Your Partner
Criticizing your partner and constantly finding faults or nitpicking can be a way to justify emotional distance. This is also a way to sabotage the dynamic and avoid deepening the relationship, creating intimacy and making a commitment.
10. You Fear Becoming Dependent
A fear of intimacy could also show itself as worry over becoming too dependent on your partner and losing your independence and sense of self. If you constantly emphasize to your partner your need for space and independence this sends a signal you don’t want closeness or intimacy.
11. You Give Mixed Signals
If you’re hot and affectionate one minute and cold and unavailable the next this gives your partner mixed signals. It also creates confusion around your true feelings and intentions and prevents the relationship from moving forward, which if you have a fear of intimacy is the point.
12. You Are Keeping Your Options Open
If you keep your options open and your online dating profile active you have deliberately put yourself in a relationship gray area to avoid a proper commitment. Even if you’re really into the person you are dating, maintaining interest in other potential partners keeps your relationship status ambiguous and protects you from having to go all in.
13. You are Scared to Say “I Love You”.
A fear of losing control can fuel a fear of intimacy in a relationship. If you feel anxious about showing your emotions or affection or find it a struggle to say “I love you” even when you genuinely feel it, you could be scared of intimacy and getting hurt.
14. You Can’t Resolve Conflict
If you act cold or indifferent in a relationship and avoid addressing tension and conflicts preferring instead to sweep issues under the rug this could be a fear of confrontation. Those who find it difficult to acknowledge and resolve conflict are most likely afraid of emotional exposure.
15. You Sabotage the Relationship
Sabotaging a good relationship to cause its ending is a common behavior associated with a fear of intimacy. You may not even be aware you are unconsciously engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors like starting arguments, missing plans, or drinking heavily, but it is a way to create distance and damage the dynamic.
