Do you feel like, no matter what you do, you have a hard time getting people to like you?
It probably has nothing to do with the deodorant you use or the type of car you drive. It’s much more likely that the way you interact with people and your outward persona are turning people off. We are extremely sensitive to social cues and the energy people present. So, while you’re never going to get everyone to like you, here are some things you should probably stop doing if you want to give yourself the best chance.
1. Being Rude
This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised by how many people don’t know they’re being rude. This comes from difficulty reading an individual’s social cues. Sure, you might know not to ask about someone’s race or if they’re pregnant, but we all have specific things that we don’t want to talk about. If you ask a person a fairly innocent question like, “Where do you work?” and they answer vaguely while looking away, they’re trying to give you a hint to not ask about it. You don’t need to understand why, just recognize the cue and move on to more pleasant topics.
2. Talking Too Much
All of us are a little bit selfish in that we are most interested in things that have to do with us. When you meet someone new, try to ask them about themselves and actually listen to what they’re interested in. If all you do is talk and none of your interests line up with the person you’re talking to, they’re not going to be motivated to continue the conversation. Stop talking, listen, and try to find areas where you and your new potential friend overlap in interests and life experiences. Then, when you do speak, you have something to say that is more likely to keep them engaged.
3. Venting to Everyone
Most of us like to complain and commiserate together, but not about things we don’t care about. Don’t start conversations with whatever’s wrong in your life right now. First, find out if the person you’re talking to might also be concerned about the increased prices of rent, all the road construction going on in your town, or noisy neighbors. And if you bring up the topic, but they don’t show similar emotions of frustration, outrage, or anger, then let it go for now and move the conversation along. Save it for your circle of close friends and family who will listen simply because they care about you.
4. Not Taking Responsibility for Your Emotions
It’s hard to keep our strong emotions from spilling out into the world through our speech and attitude. And sometimes, we just need to be in a bad mood while we get the necessary errands done. That shouldn’t be the norm, though. If every time you talk to someone, they feel like they have to comfort you because you’re sad or offer solutions when you’re upset, people will quickly start to see you as a burden. You’re draining their emotional energy because you lack healthy outlets and coping mechanisms to deal with your emotions. Take some time to self-reflect and figure out how to manage your emotional needs.
5. Negative Self-Talk
Our minds are more powerful than we realize. If we call ourselves stupid, lazy, and boring, then that’s the persona we will show the world. Imagine saying the same things to the person you care about most. Would they be heartbroken? That’s what you’re doing to yourself when you indulge in negative self-talk. Try instead looking in a mirror and telling yourself something nice like, “You’ve got this,” or “I’m proud of you.” The more positive self-talk you can incorporate into your life, the more people around you’ll notice a change in your demeanor and the more likely they will be to want to talk to and be around you.
6. Asking Questions Just to Be Polite
There are plenty of social expectations and politenesses that you shouldn’t skip over. If someone asks how you are, answer good or fine unless they’re stopping to have a longer chat. If someone asks about your job, ask them about theirs. But learn to stop asking the questions you’re “supposed to” ask when you’ve gotten past niceties and can actually talk as individuals. If you keep talking about the weather or asking about aspects of their life you don’t care about, the person you’re talking to will sense your disingenuousness. Practicing active listening will help you become more engaged conversationally.
7. Having Unhealthy Boundaries
People don’t like people because they’re always available, do whatever they ask them to, and drop everything to help out. Those actions by themselves and done sparingly can show someone how much you care about them, but if you’re always at everyone’s beck and call, people will lose respect for you. Healthy boundaries are the most important part of lasting friendships. A friend who respects your boundaries will respect and care about you as an individual, not for the things you do for them.
8. Not Having Things to Talk About
Most of us like interesting people who either have things in common with us or are so vibrant and charismatic that we just want to be around them. It’s okay if you’re not the sort of person who goes skydiving or windsurfing every weekend, but if you don’t have something interesting to talk about, people will get bored of talking to you. What are your hobbies? Where have you gone on vacation and where do you plan to go next? Do you have a unique perspective on a certain topic? You can’t intrigue every person you meet, but if you have a plethora of topics to talk about, you’re more likely to find people who want to keep talking to you.
9. Acting Unsure of Yourself
We all have self-doubts and insecurities, no matter how confident we seem on the outside. But that’s the key — what people see when they first meet us. People are drawn to those who appear self-assured, so you should strive to come off that way . . . at first. It’s just as important to cultivate a group of friends you can be yourself around. Maybe they approached you because you seemed to be the life of the party. They’re going to stay and become closer friends because you eventually open up to them about your social anxiety.
10. Forgetting Names and Shared Memories
There’s nothing wrong with being forgetful. Most people are pretty understanding when you forget their name after only meeting once or twice. But when you can’t even recall the long conversation the two of you had during a party, they might start to get offended. Making an effort to remember something about the people you meet tells them that they made an impression on you, that they were worth remembering. It makes them feel special.
11. Disrespecting People’s Boundaries
While keeping your own boundaries is important, it’s just as important to show other people that you’ll keep theirs as well. If someone asks you not to text or call during certain times or that sometimes it takes them a few days to answer a text, accept their requests. You can ask why but try not to be accusatory. People will like you more for allowing them to do things in their own time.
12. Being Fake
You can’t wear the same mask in every social situation, but every mask should have some element of your true self to it. Your mask might be thicker and less genuine at work because you have a very formal job. But, hopefully, your mask is very thin and mostly yourself when you’re out with a group of friends. If you’re trying too hard to be the person you think people want you to be, they’ll either see through it or you’ll become disconnected from yourself. Either outcome will lead to fewer people liking you.
13. Sending “Stay Away” Vibes
The mysterious person sitting alone in the corner of the bar is an alluring idea. However, if that person is also aloof when you approach them, it’s not always going to make you want to talk to them more. An air of mystery or lone wolf might be a tactic for you to attract the right people, but don’t let the persona go so far as to turn people away. Maybe you adopted the persona after being deeply hurt and don’t realize you’re putting out those vibes. If you’re struggling to make friends and find partners, examine your recent interactions, looking for clues that the other person was trying to get a positive reaction you didn’t give them.
14. Not Asking Follow-Through Questions
Conversations die when you don’t have any more questions to ask. If you want more people to like talking to you, stay engaged and curious about what they’re saying. If they mention something in passing, ask them about it. If they were unclear about a detail in their story, ask them to clarify. The more questions you ask, the more people will enjoy talking to you.
15. Caring What Other People Think
I know that this seems counterintuitive, but when we’re focused on what other people think about us, we aren’t working on our true selves. People pleasing leads to being fake and unable to have deeper relationships. It will be hard at first to stop agonizing over what that friend will think about your outfit or how your date will react if you talk about politics, but practice makes perfect. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, then turn the story around and ask, “Why does it matter what they think?”
16. Not Loving Yourself
You’re the only person who can love and care about yourself in exactly the way you need to be loved and cared for. Rather than focusing on how to get people to like you, focus on liking yourself first. When you show yourself radical love, other people will feel that energy and be drawn to you. I know it’s hard to learn how to love yourself when you feel anxious and caught in the negative self-talk spiral, but you’re worth the time it takes to learn, and you’ll be surprised by how many people like you more for it.
