Everyone wants to feel accepted. It’s an innate trait that every human carries with them from birth, and if it’s not fulfilled, it can cause us to feel like outsiders. But feeling like an outsider isn’t just about being shy or introverted. It’s a whole experience, complete with its own set of behaviors. Whether you’re trying to understand yourself better or hoping to support someone who’s struggling to fit in, knowing these signs can be incredibly eye-opening. Let’s look at some.
1. They think deeply.
Outsiders tend to think deeply about life. When they voice their thoughts to others, to their surprise, they find that others don’t understand them or think the same way. So, for example, when they start discussing their latest theory on a popular movie, they’re genuinely shocked when met with blank stares or polite nods. It’s not that they’re trying to show off; they just can’t fathom that others aren’t equally fascinated by these big ideas.
2. They have a vivid imagination.
Outsiders often have an overactive imagination and, according to the APA, are super creative. Perhaps when growing up, they buried themselves in fiction novels, where they could pretend to be in fantasy worlds as a monster or a vampire. Their imagination kept them company and allowed them to escape their reality. As they get older, they feel even more alienated because they imagine and see the world differently.
3. They are often introverted.
Not all outsiders are wallflowers—some have mastered the art of being social but inside, they still have that nagging feeling of not quite belonging. But this is an exception. More often than not, you’ll find outsiders gravitating towards the quieter corners of social gatherings. They’re the ones who look like they’re trying to blend in with the wallpaper, nursing a drink and silently willing the clock to move faster. If you approach them with a friendly “How’s it going?” it might be met with a mumbled “Fine.” They’re not trying to be rude—they’re just so uncomfortable.
4. They value quality, not quantity.
Outsiders often focus on the quality of their friendships rather than how many friends they have. Their goal is to find people who relate to them, understand where they’re coming from, and can empathize with them. Connecting on a real level means way more to them than collecting as many friends as possible or always having company.
5. They go against the grain.
People who feel like outsiders often show they’re outsiders through their clothes or what trends they reject. While everyone is getting a pumpkin-spiced latte in the fall, an outsider will get their usual black coffee. When a new shoe trend drops, they don’t run to the store to grab a pair. They march to the beat of their own drummer.
6. They are fearless in defending their beliefs.
This isn’t about stubbornness, it’s about identity. When you feel like you don’t quite fit in with the world around you, your beliefs become more than just opinions. They’re lifelines, the one thing you can count on when everything else feels foreign. This steadfastness can be a strength and a limitation. On one hand, it gives outsiders a strong sense of self, on the other hand, it can sometimes close them off to new perspectives or potential connections with others.
7. They prefer to observe.
If you want to know if someone’s an outsider a telling trait is that they’re a wallflower. When you’re at a party with them, for example, they might prefer to hang back and read the room instead of jumping into conversations with everyone. They like to observe people from a distance and make up their minds about them before initiating an interaction.
8. They are misunderstood.
Outsiders often feel misunderstood. That’s because everyone around them always seems to be into different things and have different opinions. For example, let’s say in high school no one was into the same music as you—they followed the mainstream, while you preferred alternative genres—that’s a very common feeling amongst outsiders.
9. They often have a wall up.
We all have that one friend who seems impossible to get through to. No matter how often you initiate conversation when you see them and ask them how everything’s going, you only get vague answers, or they change the subject. They never talk about their feelings. People who feel like outsiders often build a wall around themselves. This is because they fear being rejected so they keep people out at all costs.
10. They are pessimistic.
When someone feels like an outsider, a lot of the time, they have a pessimistic worldview. Because they struggle to feel accepted, they generally dislike those around them, especially those with a lot of friends and healthy relationships. When you talk to an outsider, you might find they complain that everyone else seems happy or successful except for them.
11. They’re empathetic.
While you might not think that people on the fringe of society are compassionate or selfless, the opposite is often true. This is because they can relate to others who don’t feel like they fit in—they’re able to form good connections because they understand them at a deep level.
12. They play the victim.
Perhaps you know someone who feels like an outsider, and one of their more frustrating traits is their tendency to play the victim. Instead of being proactive and trying to make their situation better, they blame others for the spot they find themselves in. Maybe they say it’s other people’s fault they’re not accepted when, in reality, they should look within.
13. They’re independent.
Outsiders develop a strong streak of independence, and it’s not hard to see why. When you’ve spent a good chunk of your life feeling like you don’t quite fit in, you learn to rely on yourself. They’re the ones who don’t think twice about grabbing dinner solo at that new restaurant everyone’s talking about, or catching the latest movie on their own. It’s not that they’re antisocial; they just don’t need constant companionship to feel fulfilled.
14. They know when someone isn’t genuine.
If you think you’re an outsider, it might be because you’re really good at sensing when someone is being fake. Because you’re slow to warm up to people and share your emotions with them, you find it easy to pick out those who aren’t authentic. Let’s say you meet someone at a party—you’re able to quickly tell whether they’re genuinely trying to get to know you or just talking to you because they want something.
15. They have funny hobbies.
Often, people who are outsiders are interested in hobbies that aren’t necessarily mainstream. For example, they might be into obscure board games that nobody has heard of or have an obsession with mid-90s claymation movies. As a result, it’s hard for them to find like-minded people to share their hobbies with.
