It’s a common misbelief that women are more emotional than men. In reality, both men and women feel a whole range of emotions, some more strongly than others. But men have a much harder time opening up about their feelings. There can be a lot of reasons for this, but often, it isn’t entirely the man’s fault. Here are 16 common reasons why it can be hard for men to open up.
1. He was never taught how to.
Emotional expression is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned. However, it’s not usually a skill you learn on your own. Many young girls are given space to feel their feelings. They get journals, comfort when they’re sad, and the reinforcement of sharing their emotions with others. Young boys don’t typically have these same things. Without this, it’s hard for them to learn how to express their emotions.
2. He got bullied for showing emotion.
It’s a common trope in movies and shows: a boy gets bullied by other boys for being too “soft.” But sadly, that trope is based on real life. Many boys get negative feedback for crying, standing up for themselves, or expressing negative emotions. They learn that it might be safer to keep things inside to avoid more bullying.
3. He’s used to “brushing it off.”
Men are often taught to just keep trucking forward. They’re so used to brushing off their emotions that it becomes hard when they do want to share. It might take a lot of time and practice to reach a point where they’re able to give voice to the things they’re feeling, instead of pushing them to the side.
4. He believes that “Real men don’t cry.”
This harmful saying has been used too many times to count. While it’s becoming less popular, many men are still given this message in one way or another. They’re taught that crying diminishes their masculinity and makes them weak. To avoid others perceiving them as “lesser,” they avoid crying or expressing emotion whenever possible.
5. He thinks he has to be brave.
This is directly tied to the previous saying. Some men think they have to always “be brave” for those around them. The definition of bravery they were taught involves ignoring emotions and providing care for others. However, being vulnerable with emotions is an incredibly brave act, and men might benefit from hearing this more often.
6. He’s afraid of rejection.
The sad truth is that sometimes when you open up to someone, they walk away. They decide you’re “too much” to help, or they think you’re a “weaker” man because of it. Men don’t want to lose someone they care about, so they might think it’s safer to just keep feelings inside.
7. He’s afraid of judgment.
I’m not sure which is worse, rejection or judgment. Many men have opened up at some point in their lives, but if they were met with any sort of judgment, it would make it hard to do so again. For example, if they’re told to “stop crying and man up,” or if they share an anxiety and the other person says it’s a stupid thing to worry about, it might feel safer to keep everything close to the chest.
8. He was hurt in the past.
Judgment and rejection are both pain points and can lead to a man not wanting to open up again. There’s also the chance they were hurt in other ways when expressing themselves. They could have shared a deep insecurity, and later, the other person used it against them. Or they confided in someone and their secrets were spilled to somebody else. Trust isn’t easy, and when a man’s trust gets damaged, it can be hard to build it up again.
9. He doesn’t want to rely on others.
Many men want to be independent, often because society tells them they need to be. They’re the pillar of support, rather than someone who needs support. So it can be hard to open up when they feel like they might be putting a burden on someone else. Sometimes they might also be afraid of being seen as weaker because of it.
10. He gets overwhelmed by emotions.
Contrary to popular belief, it’s possible that men feel emotions more intensely, rather than less. This is because they spend so much time repressing emotions that when they do come up, they feel stronger. Emotions create bodily symptoms, and the stronger the emotion, the stronger the symptoms. They find it easier to avoid these difficult emotional and physical rushes and instead keep brushing things off, especially if they weren’t taught how to manage overwhelming emotions.
11. He’s focused on solutions.
Many women find comfort in simply talking out their emotions, but a lot of men are problem-solvers. They’re mostly focused on solutions, rather than sitting with the emotions themselves. They might not think it’s productive to open up and talk about feelings unless there’s a solution to be reached.
12. He isn’t in touch with his feelings.
If a man is used to brushing things off and wasn’t taught how to express emotions, there’s a good chance he would struggle to identify them. It’s hard to share emotions when you can’t even name what you’re feeling. A man might not open up because they don’t know what to say.
13. His family didn’t give him the skills.
Families teach us a lot, especially about emotional regulation. If a man wasn’t given the space and resources to express their feelings, they have to learn that skill as an adult. This can mean a lack of attention to a young boy’s emotions, but it can also be explicitly telling boys not to cry, or not to talk about something that’s bothering them. Many men have a “keep it hidden” attitude that they were taught, and it’s difficult to unlearn that.
14. He finds it easier to stay reserved.
Whether it’s fear or rejection, emotions being used against them, worrying they won’t be understood, or just feeling overwhelmed, it might just be easier for a man to keep their emotions inside. It takes a lot of vulnerability and courage to open up to someone. They might not feel prepared to do that yet.
15. He’s worried it will be used against him.
Again, vulnerability is hard. But it’s even worse when you’re worried someone else will turn it back against you. Sometimes men want to share something with their partner that upsets them, but they’re worried it’ll spin into a different argument or may be shared with others. Not knowing how people will react is scary, and can deter men from opening up about their feelings.
