Have you ever wondered how to tell if someone is upset even though they say they’re fine, or how to decide whether to go on a second date?
Spies, detectives, and intelligence agents are trained in investigative interviewing to read people’s nonverbal cues to determine if they’re telling the truth. Though studies are being conducted to verify the science behind reading nonverbal communication, it’s still a semi-reliable way to determine the meaning and intention behind people’s words. The key is learning what nonverbal cues mean — from how a person walks, to their tone of voice, to how they move their eyes. With these psychological tips, you can start to read people like a pro.
1. Observe people when they’re relaxed.
You can’t start reading people without first creating a baseline. Go to crowded places like a train station or airport and do some people-watching. Watch how people relax their posture when they see people they know, or how they drag their feet when they walk. Try to clear your mind of assumptions and biases as you watch people interact casually.
2. Stay open-minded.
The second most important thing you need to master is how to set aside your biases and judgments. Try to look at people as if you were an alien studying humans. Why would you assume anything about their personality from the color of their hair or the state of their clothes? Instead, be open to gaining information from observation alone. Use that information to form a hypothesis about who they are and how trustworthy of a person they are.
3. Note groups of odd gestures.
If a person scratches the side of their nose while speaking, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lying. But if they scratch their nose, shuffle their feet, and cross their arms multiple times while telling you a story, they’re most likely stretching the truth. People can make a single gesture of discomfort for many different reasons other than lying. Pay attention to all of their body language cues and don’t make quick assumptions based on a single one.
4. Understand mirror neurons.
Have you ever tried not to yawn or smile when someone else right in front of you does, especially when you empathize with them? That’s mirror neurons at work. As a social species that relies on the group for safety, our brains are wired to mimic each other to communicate that we can be trusted. Narcissists and manipulators are great at using mirror neurons to make people trust them. Next time someone is trying to convince you of something, pay attention to them nodding and smiling. They’re trying to get you to agree with them.
5. Ask yourself if they walk the walk or just talk the talk.
How people walk says a lot about their core personality. Those who slouch don’t think highly of themselves, and those who walk slowly with shorter steps are more self-confident. People with a longer stride are more enthusiastic. Though you can’t get a person’s entire personality from their gait, it can inform your initial assessment.
6. Listen out for action words.
People who speak in the passive voice — “It’s possible there might be a promotion next year” — are trying to couch their words in niceties, which can either mean they work at an office (and have to speak that way) or they are unsure of themselves. People who use powerful verbs — “I’m pushing for next year’s promotion” — are more confident. Though words by themselves have less meaning, word choice is still important to help interpret body language.
7. Pick up on body language cues.
Body language communicates much more than words because we’re in less conscious control. We choose words carefully, but our bodies betray the true meaning behind our words. Crossed arms can mean someone is being defensive and closed off. Taking a step forward often shows how aggressive and contrary a person is during a conversation. When someone shakes their head ‘no,’ they often don’t believe what they’re saying. However, be cautious when studying the meaning of certain gestures and movements because there are many other elements involved in reading a person.
8. Take context into account.
A person might just be crossing their arms because they’re cold. Or they took a step forward because they momentarily lost their balance. They might shake their head because someone they grew up with shook their head, no matter what they said. As mentioned before, groupings of odd gestures are more important than individual gestures. And the particular situation will give you much-needed context in which to understand those nonverbal cues.
9. Consider culture.
Did you know that not every culture shakes their head from side to side to mean ‘no?’ Or that in some cultures it’s impolite to look people in the eyes? If you’re not aware of a person’s background and start making assumptions based on your own, you might miss important cues or misread others. Unless you’re training to be an international spy, you don’t need to research body language from different cultures. But you should try to recognize which gestures are more common in your region and take that into account when reading people.
9. Sense people’s emotional energy.
Some people are more empathic than others, but we’re all capable of some amount of learned empathy. So, after talking to someone for a while, if you start to feel anxious for “no reason,” consider that you might be sensing someone’s energy. If they’re anxious, is that because they have social anxiety, you in particular make them nervous, or there’s something outside of your meeting that might be causing it? You might be able to figure it out if you take in the other context clues.
10. See the eyes as windows.
We all know the saying that the eyes are the windows to the soul. If you know how to interpret what you see in them, they absolutely can be. When a person looks up and to the left, they are trying to come up with an answer. Science has disproven the myth that this means they’re telling the truth, but you can still use this as a clue. Did they look quickly up and to the left when you asked the question? Then they might be afraid of the question or what you might already know.
11. Know that tone shapes words.
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If you’ve ever misread the intention of a text message, you understand that body language and, almost as importantly, tone give the words meaning. Emojis exist in an attempt to fill that gap. Next time someone says, “I’m sorry,” pay attention to their tone of voice. If they sound bored, they obviously don’t mean it. But, on the other hand, if they say it too quickly or with too much emphasis, they also probably don’t mean it.
12. Practice makes perfect.
Reading people accurately takes time and a lot of practice. If you really want to get good at it, find someone who also wants to learn and practice together. Go to a restaurant or other crowded place and observe people together, making guesses about the meaning behind certain gestures and behaviors. Try to guess how people who are sitting together are related. You can even start by trying to read each other — it’s like having the answers to the test with you!
13. Listen to your intuition.
It’s hard to get in touch with our intuition because assumptions, outside influences, and feelings so easily get in the way. Listening to your intuition is an entirely separate skill you will have to practice if you want to read people more accurately. When your gut tells you that someone is untrustworthy, you need to be able to listen to it. As you take in more evidence — such as a repeating series of gestures, using mirror neurons to try to manipulate you, and using a tone that doesn’t fit their words — you can either confirm or update your original gut instinct. Not surprisingly, most of the time you’ll be right.
15. Judge a book by its cover sometimes.
The reason we were told as children not to judge a book by its cover is to teach us not to make assumptions about people based on their clothes, cleanliness, or skin color. But as someone learning to read people, a person’s outward appearance gives us some key clues about how they want to be perceived. If their clothing and hair are impeccably kept, they want people to think they are put together and know what they’re doing. The more likely truth is that they are disorganized and feel like an imposter.
16. Maintain motivation.
Most people aren’t good at reading people, simply because they are too much in their heads to pay attention to what everyone else is doing. If you want to understand people better through their body language as well as words, you need to understand your why. Do you want to connect more deeply with your loved ones? Are you hoping to improve your dating success rate? Once you figure out why you’re reading people, it will help you remain motivated to pay attention through entire dates or weekend retreats.
17. Understand Yourself First
Before you can truly dive into the work of reading people, you need to take a good, hard look at yourself. What are your assumptions and biases? How do you present yourself to others? What are your tics and tells? Not only will this give you practical lessons, but it will also help you remain unreadable while you read others. We recommend you take an Intro to Psychology class or see a therapist to help begin this process.
18. Stay malleable.
We’ve already mentioned that you need to set aside your beliefs and assumptions, but you also need to be able to set aside the ones you make even as you’re reading someone. For example, you’re trying to read a person who walks into the room slouching with a scowl on their face. Someone bumps into them, and they yell an obscenity at the person. You decide that they are in an angry mood and will react negatively to the next person they interact with. But then someone stops, speaks quietly to them, and suddenly the person you were observing starts crying and hugs the person. Your mind can never be set in stone when trying to read people because we are all infinitely complex. You will never be an expert in reading people, but you can seem like one to those who have never even tried.
