If you’re reading this, we’re going to assume that you sometimes find yourself wondering, “Is my man emotionally immature?” If you’re having to question it, let’s be honest, the answer is probably yes. But, just to be sure, here are some phrases that an emotionally immature man loves to use. Listen for these in your next conversation, and then maybe (please), start planning that breakup.
1. “Chill out.”
Ahh…we love our big feelings being minimized—said no woman, ever. Do we need to chill out sometimes? Yeah, probably. But this is never the right phrase to use. It’s dismissive and patronizing. And an emotionally mature man knows that! An emotionally immature man, on the other hand, will likely use this phrase to try and shut down feelings he doesn’t want to deal with or feel responsible for. An emotionally immature man can’t handle his own feelings, much less yours!
2. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
This phrase goes hand in hand with the first. It often has to do with escaping responsibility. If they can minimize the issue and peg you as an over-reactor, then they can walk away from the situation without feeling guilty. This phrase is particularly insulting—it not only attacks your character, making you out to be overly emotional and explosive, but it treats your priorities as if they’re nothing. If a man consistently uses this phrase, see it as a red flag for his emotional maturity.
3. “I didn’t know.”
Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. Either way, there’s trouble. An emotionally immature man will have no problem messing up, then lying, saying he didn’t know to do this or say that. An emotionally immature man will also show no desire to know what’s important to you, how you like to be treated, triggering topics for you and your circle, you get the idea. They’ll never make knowing a priority, either. If you stick with this person, prepare for a lifetime of hurtful comments and awkward family dinners.
4. “You didn’t [explicitly] tell me to…”
Textbook weaponized incompetence. It’s amazing that they think we won’t see through it, at this point. This can play out as something like asking your husband to get the girls dressed for school, and he does, but he doesn’t put their shoes on. (“You said dressed…”). It would be comical if it weren’t so incredibly frustrating.
5. “It’s not my fault.”
It’s not their fault your mom cried when he insulted her spaghetti. It’s not their fault they forgot to pick up the kids from daycare. It’s not their fault that this, that, and the other happened. Are you noticing a common theme here? Emotionally immature men and responsibility are like vampires and sunshine—they will do or say most anything to avoid it.
6. “It’s [their/your/etc.] fault.”
And if they’re avoiding the responsibility, who are they putting it on? That’s right, you. Other people, too, but mostly you. Your mom should make better spaghetti, or you should’ve told her beforehand to make something else. The daycare should call more than three times, or you should have reminded him. The truth: You deserve better, love.
7. “If you loved me…”
If you loved him, you’d see past the growing underwear mountain, you wouldn’t mind that he’s been video gaming all day long, and the list goes on and on and on. It can be as mild as the underwear, but it can also lead to putting yourself in incredibly comfortable situations to “prove” your love. This is gaslighting, and it’s emotional abuse. Get. Out.
8. “You always…”
Emotionally immature men, for all their noncommittal statements and their “I don’t know(s),” also love an absolute statement. At least the ones that put the blame on you. You always do all the wrong things, according to them. (Please don’t fall for this. It’s a manipulative, immature tactic that has no place in healthy adult relationships.)
9. “You never…”
Another absolute statement that pins everything on you. Meanwhile, I’m sure they “never” do anything! This is classic poor communication. And, unfortunately, without emotional maturity, it’s not going to get any better. If these absolute statements and the manipulation have become your everyday…it’s time for a new relationship. Trust us.
10. “Whatever.”
The final piece in their pitiful arsenal. This is what they use to shut down any conversation. If they’re uncomfortable? “Whatever.” You’re on to their games? “Whatever.” Because how is one supposed to respond to that? This is their way of saying, “I don’t care about fixing this issue and have no plans to be a part of this solution. I’m done.” This is peak emotional immaturity here, folks.
