If you grew up in a broken family, you probably came out of it experiencing trauma, low self-esteem, or a lack of self-worth. Dealing with your loved ones might still be tricky and uncomfortable now that you’re an adult, as it’s easy to take on all their negativity. It’s a lot! Here are 15 signs that your family’s dysfunctional and why you shouldn’t feel responsible for their issues.
1. Your family dealt with addiction issues.
If someone in your family was struck down by substance abuse, it affected everyone in the home. You might have felt neglected if your sibling was always getting attention because of their issues. Or, you might have felt helpless and fearful if your parent was an addict and couldn’t take care of you. As an adult, you might still be carrying the trauma from that experience, Psych Central notes, particularly if you never got the validation and love you needed. Therapy can help you to process your feelings so they don’t get transferred to your other relationships.
2. Your family was focused on perfectionism.
Growing up with parents who were always putting pressure on you to succeed and be perfect is crippling. It causes so much stress, anxiety, and emotional burnout. You might’ve felt like, no matter what you did or achieved in life, you were never good enough for your parents’ impossibly high expectations. Perhaps you find yourself still trying to earn other peoples’ approval, but tracking this behavior back to childhood can help you to realize why you’re always striving to be perfect — it’s about your parents, not you!
3. Your family was abusive.
There are many ways in which abuse can show up in families, such as if your parents were physically or emotionally abusive. This is traumatic, and you might carry the effects of it into your adult life, such as in the form of mental health issues like anxiety and depression. You might also have internalized the domestic abuse you experienced because you were always told that you were to blame for it, which is difficult to deal with. Speaking to a therapist can help you to move on from the trauma.
4. Your family is co-dependent.
If one or both of your parents made you feel like you had to cater to their needs and feelings, while putting yours on the back burner, this is a red flag that your family was co-dependent. As an adult, you might find it difficult to express yourself or set healthy boundaries because you’re so used to your parents expecting you to bow down to what they want.
5. Your family has a lack of boundaries.
Maybe your family members don’t have any clear boundaries. Your parents might call you when they know you’re busy, interfere with your private life, or expect you to run errands for them. This shows a sense of entitlement because they’re so needy. They might also make you feel guilty for asserting your own needs, but it’s important not to let them walk all over you. Having boundaries protects you from being taken advantage of!
6. Your family is all about censorship.
provided by iStock
In some dysfunctional families, people’s feelings don’t get acknowledged or validated. Perhaps your parents always made you feel like you couldn’t say what was on your mind or express your feelings. Maybe you were judged or told off for being yourself or having different opinions. So, you had to try to hide facets of your personality to fit in with the family. This could cause you to hide who you are with people in your adult relationships, out of fear of being judged or abandoned.
7. Your family members didn’t spend time together.
A type of neglect that shows up in dysfunctional families is when loved ones don’t hang out together. Perhaps when you were growing up, you always felt like you had to entertain yourself because your parents or siblings never had time for you. Or, you always felt like your family members were leading their own lives, causing you to forge your own path and be self-sufficient. This can make it difficult for you to trust and depend on anyone.
8. You had to be an adult when you were a kid.
If you grew up in a family where your parents treated you like you were an adult, dumping lots of responsibility on your shoulders, you didn’t get a chance to be a kid. Maybe your parents weren’t around, and you had to pick up the slack at home or look after your siblings. Or, perhaps you had to look after your parents, who were sick or struggling with other issues. According to Forbes, this can cause you to become a martyr with people in your life, such as friends or romantic partners, as though feeling a sense of responsibility for other people.
9. You were (and still are) infantilized by your parents.
In some dysfunctional families, parents will treat their kids like children — even when they’re old enough to make their own choices and look after themselves. Maybe they constantly criticize what you do or make you feel like you’re not smart enough to make decisions. When parents treat their children like this, it’s usually because of their own issues, such as if they’re narcissistic, or they have a tendency to control their children out of fear of being abandoned.
10. Your parent had an untreated mental illness.
If you grew up in a home where a parent was dealing with a mental health condition that wasn’t diagnosed or treated, this put lots of stress on you and your other family members. You might have felt neglected, anxious, and depressed. In addition, this could have resulted in you not learning coping skills because your parent wasn’t present. You’ve probably had to learn self-care and how to cope with responsibilities and life’s curveballs on your own.
11. Your family is obsessed with keeping secrets.
It’s common for dysfunctional families to keep to themselves because they don’t want people outside of the family to judge them. Growing up, you might’ve been pressured to lie to people about what was going on at home or to avoid bringing friends home. This could have fostered feelings of shame, embarrassment, and anxiety. As an adult, you might feel like you can’t trust your family members because of the lies they tell each other or the secrets they keep.
12. Your family gives you the silent treatment.
There are many ways in which silence in a dysfunctional family can be uncomfortable and toxic. For example, if family members don’t like to interact with each other, instead choosing to do their own thing. Or, if they don’t open up to each other about their problems. This can make you feel isolated around your so-called loved ones. In addition, silence can be used to punish people. For example, one person in the family might shut down and stop communicating with people instead of being open to resolving arguments. This is hurtful and creates a sense of unease.
13. Your family seems perfect in public.
It can be weird to spend time with your family in public because they might try to seem like the most perfect family in the world. Meanwhile, this is not the case behind closed doors! It can make you feel unsettled or erode the trust you have in your family members. As an adult, you might also feel like you always have to seem happy and perfect around people. This can cause you chronic anxiety and stress because you’re trying to be something you’re not or to hide your flaws.
14. Your family is controlling.
If you grew up in a controlling family, you might have felt like you couldn’t do anything without being told what you should be doing instead. It’s so frustrating! Maybe your parents forced you to conform to their needs, lifestyle, and behavior. They might still be doing this now that you’re an adult. It can cause you to have trust issues and be riddled with self-doubt. You might also find it challenging to be around your family because you resent them for trying to control you.
15. Your family is always in denial.
Maybe your parents always denied bad things that happened as a way to control the narrative. They might have tried to run and hide from their problems, or tell you that you were being dramatic when you tried to make them face reality. This could cause you to internalize blame, especially if they pointed the finger at you for their issues. Or, it might cause you to struggle to express your authentic feelings with people because you were gaslit for so long.
