For all too many of us, our romantic relationships take precedence over our friendships. We often don’t confide in our friends, believing that a partner should be the one to fill all of our needs. We see friends as people to have parties and go out with, not realizing how valuable their support and listening ears are. Sometimes we lose friends because we don’t take the time and effort to learn how to listen and be supportive back to them. If you think you need to strengthen your friendship skills, here are some phrases to use to be a more supportive friend.
1. “I’m here for you.”
When a friend is going through a difficult time, they don’t want to have to tell you how to support and care for them. Instead, let them know you are there, no matter what they need. And then — this is the important part — actually be there! Call or text your friend regularly to check up on them or say that you’re thinking about them. If they start talking, just listen, the Harvard Business Review advises. If they complain about struggling to get the cooking or cleaning done, go over and help out. The foundation of care is getting to know what a person needs most when they are struggling.
2. “I care about what’s going on with you.”
Many people have a hard time talking about their problems. We’ve been told so many times that other people have it worse than we do and that we should be grateful for what we have, so we start to believe it. We gloss over our problems so we can talk about the other person or happier topics. To show that you truly care about what’s going on with your friend, say it out loud. Most of the time, a straightforward affirmation is the validation your friend needs to keep talking.
3. “Tell me more.”
All but the most self-confident of us are used to being shut down in particular social situations. Whether it’s because other people think they know more than us or people don’t take us seriously, we learn to avoid certain subjects or to not tell long, detailed stories at all. If your friend stops themselves from talking because they’re worried you’ll talk over them, that’s your cue to ask them to tell you more. Let them know that you aren’t going to interrupt, and you really do want to hear the whole story.
4. “I can come over.”
Not every friend wants you to come over when they’re depressed or having a hard time, but many do. It’s your job to know when is the appropriate time to show up with hot cocoa, popcorn, and The Notebook. The physical comfort of having a shoulder to cry on or someone to sit on the couch with means more than words can ever express.
5. “Your feelings are valid.”
You’ve probably had someone who cares about you tell you, “Don’t be sad,” or “It’s going to be okay.” And I’m sure those phrases, while well-meaning, didn’t make you feel any better. That’s because they are a denial of your emotions. Even when we don’t agree with how someone is feeling about a situation, or we know we would have felt differently, it’s important to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling. Validating feelings gives a person permission to feel the emotion instead of denying it and possibly getting stuck in it.
6. “How does that make you feel?”
This question doesn’t get asked enough. When someone describes something that happened to them, most of us are quick to tell the person how we feel about it or launch into a story about something similar that happened to us. If you want to be a good friend, though, you should take a moment to explore your friend’s experience of a situation. How did it make them feel, and what do they want to do about it, if anything? This empathy and sympathy will bring you closer together and help you understand where your friend is coming from.
7. “You are doing your best, and that’s enough.”
We are all our own best critics. No one will see how little we’re accomplishing or what a terrible job we’re doing at life than ourselves. As a good friend, we have the unique opportunity to provide an outside perspective to our friends. We can see how amazing it is that they managed to make dinner for their kids after a day of dealing with the lawyer and funeral director about their father’s funeral. While all they see is the pile of dishes, dirty floors, and stains on their kids’ clothes. Sometimes a gentle reminder that their best is enough is exactly what they need.
8. “You don’t have to tell me everything right now.”
Many adult life situations — death, divorce, chronic illness — are complicated and difficult. We can hardly get through each day as we deal with the situation, let alone figure out how we feel about it or even fully articulate what’s going on. In these times, it’s a lifesaver to have an undemanding friend. You call or come over and just listen to whatever your friend needs to say in that moment. You don’t need all the juicy details, you only want to be there for your friend.
9. “What do you need?”
During impossibly difficult times when your friend is in the middle of a depressive episode or feeling overwhelmed by various aspects of life, this question can be unwelcome and unanswerable. But if your friend is just feeling a little sad or overwhelmed by one aspect of their life, having someone ask what they need can be a breath of fresh air. Sometimes we know what we need but can’t do it for ourselves and would hate to burden someone by asking. Asking the right question at the right time means everything.
10. “It’s okay to not be okay.”
This is a great response to, “I’m doing fine.” When you know your friend isn’t doing fine at all and they’re just trying to stay positive, the best thing you can do to support them is to let them know they don’t have to pretend in front of you. This creates a safe space in which to not be okay. It’s inappropriate to burst into tears at work or while walking down the street, but we should all have a safe place to cry or rage.
11. “There’s not much going on with me right now.”
Many people are afraid to talk about themselves for too long because they feel like they’re being a burden or a downer. So they’ll deflect by turning the conversation to talking about you. As a supportive friend, it’s your job to know when they’ve stopped talking about themselves because they feel guilty. And when they’ve stopped talking because they need a break to process and realize they DO have more to say. Then either tell them it’s okay to keep talking or tell them about something mundane in your life to give them a break. You won’t get this right every time, but practice makes perfect.
12. “I’m sorry you’re going through that.”
Rather than launching into a story about how you know “exactly” what your friend is going through because you once went through something vaguely related, try offering sympathy instead. This is one more way to validate their feelings, which means a lot more than telling them you “know what they’re going through.” Even if the same thing did happen to you, you and your friend still experienced the situation completely differently because you come from different backgrounds.
13. “That situation really sucks.”
Similar to offering sympathy instead of trying to relate, agreeing with your friend about the suckiness of a situation validates their experience. It doesn’t help to tell them to look at the bright side or offer solutions (unless they ask). Commiserate with them. Drink wine together and let them rant. Shout at the injustices of the world along with them. That’s what friends are for.
14. “I love you.”
These are the three most powerful words in the English language, and they don’t need to be saved for your family and significant other. Your friends are just as deserving of hearing you say these words sincerely and in moments of vulnerability. While you shouldn’t let just anyone into your inner circle, the people you do choose to let in should know how important they are to you.
15. Nothing
If you’ve ever been so sad or upset that you don’t want to talk to anyone but desperately want to be comforted, you know how significant it can be when someone sits next to you and offers a shoulder to cry on. Words are powerful, but they are not always the answer. They can often make things worse, especially when the last thing you want to do is explain. So if you want to support your friends, learn when it’s time to shut your mouth and just be there for them.
