Ever heard of the term “hoovering”? It’s not about vacuum cleaners, but it’s a term borrowed from that idea. In the context of narcissism, hoovering is a manipulative tactic used to suck someone back into a relationship. It’s a way for narcissists to regain control and feed their need for attention and validation. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this, you know it can be incredibly confusing and emotionally draining.
1. Hoovering often follows a period of silence or distance.
After a breakup or conflict, a narcissist might go silent, giving you the cold shoulder. This is often a deliberate strategy to create a sense of longing and insecurity. They know you’ll miss them and start to wonder what went wrong. Then, out of the blue, they reappear with a hoovering attempt, making you question whether you were the one at fault.
2. It can involve apologies, promises, and declarations of love.
As the Cleveland Clinic explains, one common hoovering tactic is to bombard you with apologies, promises to change, and declarations of undying love. They might even shower you with gifts or grand gestures. It’s a calculated effort to make you believe they’ve seen the error of their ways and that this time, things will be different. But beware, it’s often just a facade to lure you back in.
3. Hoovering can also be disguised as innocent contact.
Sometimes, hoovering might seem more subtle. They might send you a seemingly harmless text, like an inside joke or a comment on your social media post. They might even reach out under the guise of needing help or advice. These seemingly innocent attempts are designed to re-establish communication and reopen the door for further manipulation.
4. Hoovering plays on your emotions and vulnerabilities.
Narcissists are skilled at manipulating emotions. They know exactly what to say or do to trigger your empathy, guilt, or hope for reconciliation. They might remind you of good times, promise a future together, or even feign vulnerability and seek your comfort. It’s a calculated effort to exploit your emotions and make you more susceptible to their influence.
5. It’s not about genuine remorse or change.
It’s crucial to understand that hoovering is rarely about genuine remorse or a desire to change. Narcissists often lack empathy and are primarily motivated by self-interest. Their apologies and promises are often empty and insincere, designed to manipulate you rather than reflect any real personal growth.
6. Hoovering is a cyclical pattern.
If you fall for a hoovering attempt, be prepared for the cycle to repeat. Narcissists are notorious for their cyclical patterns of idealization, devaluation, and discard. Once they’ve sucked you back in and regained control, they may revert to their old behaviors, leading to another discard and, potentially, another hoovering attempt down the line.
7. It can be emotionally damaging.
Being subjected to hoovering can be incredibly emotionally damaging. It can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and questioning your own sanity. You might start to doubt your initial decision to leave the relationship and wonder if you made a mistake. It’s important to remember that hoovering is a manipulative tactic, and you’re not to blame for being affected by it.
8. It’s not a sign of love or commitment.
While hoovering might feel like a sign of love or a desire to reconnect, it’s important to remember that it’s primarily a tactic for control. Narcissists are often incapable of genuine love and intimacy. Their actions are driven by their own needs and desires, not by a genuine care for your well-being. Don’t mistake hoovering for a sign of love or a second chance at a healthy relationship.
9. Hoovering can occur even years after a breakup.
Don’t be surprised if a narcissist tries to hoover you back into their life even years after the relationship has ended. They might resurface when they’re feeling lonely, bored, or in need of an ego boost. They might even try to exploit major life events, like a wedding, a birth, or a death, as an excuse to reconnect.
10. It can be triggered by your own success or happiness.
Narcissists often have a hard time seeing other people succeed or be happy without them. If you’re thriving in your career, relationships, or personal life, it might trigger their jealousy and possessiveness, leading to a hoovering attempt. They might try to undermine your achievements, create drama, or lure you back with promises of a better future together.
11. Hoovering can take many different forms.
Hoovering isn’t always as obvious as a grand gesture or a heartfelt apology. It can be subtle, like a casual text message, a “like” on social media, or an unexpected gift. It can also be more direct, like showing up unannounced at your workplace or home. The methods might vary, but the goal is always the same: to regain control and pull you back into their orbit.
12. It’s essential to set firm boundaries and resist the urge to respond.
If you’re being hoovered, the best course of action is to set firm boundaries and resist the urge to respond, Psych Central advises. Don’t engage in conversations, don’t answer their calls or texts, and don’t give them any indication that you’re open to reconciliation. It’s also important to block them on social media and other communication channels to avoid further manipulation.
13. Get support from friends, family, or a therapist.
Dealing with hoovering can be emotionally challenging. It’s important to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can offer guidance and validation. They can help you understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, set healthy boundaries, and heal from the emotional wounds caused by the relationship.
14. Remember that you deserve better.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you deserve better than to be treated like a yo-yo in a narcissist’s game. You deserve love, respect, and genuine care. Don’t let a narcissist’s hoovering attempts make you question your worth or your decision to leave the relationship. Focus on your own healing and well-being, and surround yourself with people who truly value and appreciate you.
