No relationship is perfect. But there’s a difference between natural human imperfection and actual relationship issues. Some of these issues are actually fairly serious. The good news? You’re not alone. Here are some of the most common relationship complaints and how to fix them, (because we’re nothing if not helpful).
1. Trust Issues
Of course, there’s a myriad of reasons your relationship may be affected by trust issues. Likely a result of past relationships, traumas, etc. This can be fueled by one partner, or, more unfortunately, by both partners. Trust issues, while potentially damaging, are absolutely conquerable. The best antidote? Time and consistency. Consistently show up, be reliable, be trustworthy, time after time after time. (And also, potentially, see a licensed therapist.)
2. Division of Labor
If one partner’s dad always took out the garbage, and their mom always cooked dinner, then they’re likely to subconsciously believe that things are “supposed to be” that way. Unfortunately, the other partner’s upbringing may not correspond with that version of reality. Division of labor is an incredibly common concern, one that tends to have a heavier impact on women in heterosexual pairings. The best way to solve this issue is to sit down together, pen and paper in hand, have a long conversation, and make individual (explicit) chore lists for both people.
3. Financial Stress
A tale as old as time, really. Money is literally never not going to be, in some way, a problem. Whether you have it or you don’t. For every ten marriages that end in divorce, four of them have money at the root of the problems (source: Jimenez Law Firm). Thankfully though, there are a plethora of resources available to alleviate this anxiety! Seek the help of a financial planner, an accountant, or even just an old-fashioned calculator. Come up with a budget/savings/investing plan that works for both of you and helps you achieve your goals together.
4. Different Values
Religious, political, familial, you name it…you’re never going to find someone with all the exact same values as you. This can definitely lead to fights and misunderstandings, especially when it comes to planning a future together. You have to remember, though, that a healthy relationship has a healthy dose of compromise. You don’t give up your values for your partner’s values, but you make space for both to exist together. Instead of seeing them as a challenge to overcome, see them as what makes your partnership uniquely interesting and valuable!
5. Feeling Unappreciated
This is particularly common when one partner carries the majority of the load in one area (financial, domestic labor, etc.) One partner may feel as though the work they do to maintain the house goes unnoticed, while the other feels as though their financial contributions, or parenting work, are dismissed and unappreciated. Fixing this requires intentionality. Both partners absolutely must be intentional about noticing and expressing verbal appreciation for the other!
6. Jealousy
Jealousy is a tough one. A jealous partner with no reason to be jealous can completely tear apart the relationship. Add a legitimate reason for the jealousy and it’s not a great relationship prognosis. So what do you do? If the jealousy is unfounded, yet still a problem, then a counselor might be helpful. But if they have a legitimate reason to be jealous, then the burden of proof is on the other partner’s shoulders—your person should know they are your only person, without a shred of doubt!
7. Commitment Issues
These issues can result from past traumatic relationships, problematic parental behavior, or any number of other traumas. If all a person has ever known is loss or betrayal, they may have trouble committing to a relationship. It can feel like signing up to get hurt again. This is another relationship issue that requires time, consistency, and possibly a therapist. (But don’t hold out hope indefinitely. Some people just won’t commit, and that’s not your fault. You deserve someone who will.)
8. Parenting Disagreements
Your toddler threw a toy and bit you because you wouldn’t make ice cream for breakfast. So you want to give a timeout. But your partner just brushes it off, calling it “normal” and “no big deal.” Suddenly you’re more upset with each other than you ever thought about being with the toddler. Ideally, this is a conversation you have with a partner way before a child enters the mix…but life happens. You need to sit down together, explore how you both were raised, and come up with solutions that work for your new family. It won’t look like your childhood or theirs!
9. Extended Family Problems
We’ve all seen the Mother In Law rage bait all over social media. It works for a reason. Because most of us can relate, in some way or another, to having problems with our extended families. So, when it comes to certain family members, boundaries are going to be key. You and your partner are going to have to learn to set and hold polite boundaries. And if you’re married, you need to stand with each other first and foremost!
10. Different Lifestyle Preferences
You always dreamed of moving back to the country, raising your kids by a fishing pond and fields of dandelions, and spending summers barefoot on a porch. Your partner, on the other hand, is browsing Brownstones on Zillow between booking hot yoga classes. In this type of situation, it’s break up or learn to compromise. Maybe you can meet in the middle with a subdivision, equidistant from a state park and a nice gym.
11. Lack of Intimacy
This is a hard one to fix because a lack of intimacy is usually a symptom of something bigger. The hard part is finding and treating that root cause. Are you too busy? Is there some unresolved conflict? Is someone feeling unappreciated or disrespected? This will take some individual self-reflection and some mature communication as a couple.
12. Mismatched Libido
This may be a symptom of something bigger, but often it’s just a circumstantial reality. It’s totally normal, too. You’re not broken, or weird, because you want sex more or less than your partner. One partner struggles with the lack of intimacy but doesn’t want to pressure the other. One is okay with the lack of sex but feels bad about “denying” the other. Maybe consider scheduling it? It sounds silly (or maybe sad), but it’s a good way to meet in the middle and show respect for one another.
13. Lack of Quality Time
Life gets busy. It happens. It’s easier than it should be to let a week go by and realize you’ve only seen your partner in passing. This is another conflict that can be resolved by communication and scheduling. Schedule regular date nights, lunch meetings, etc. Life is busy, and careers are important, but if the relationship is worth keeping, it’s worth making it a priority! Quality time is a love language for a reason!
14. Poor Conflict Resolution
We all have different “fighting styles.” I, for instance, get very personal and mean (I’m working on it). Other people may be avoidant. Or explosive. A therapist specializing in relationships can be incredibly helpful here. A licensed professional can help you work out why you gravitate towards your particular argument vices, and help you communicate in a way that is respectful and mature.
15. Inadequate Communication
If you were a good English student, you’ve likely noticed a common denominator in how to solve most of these complaints: communication. If you don’t communicate well, then you’re more likely to experience any number of the issues on this list. It’s a cliche saying, but it’s for a reason…”Communication is key.” If you struggle in this area, resort to one of the other common solutions from this list: a relationship counselor. (Find one near you here.)
