If you’re constantly bringing the mood down with your negative attitude, you might not even realize it because it’s become such a habit. But, it’s probably making you lack joy in life and causing people to keep their distance. So, check these 15 signs that you’re a chronic complainer — it’s time to break out of your Debbie Downer mindset!
1. You talk about your problems, without finding solutions.
You know you’re a chronic complainer if you’re focused on everything that’s going wrong in your life, and you only see problems everywhere you look. You vent and become stressed without searching for solutions. This fosters a negative mindset while preventing you from making positive changes in your life. Try to look for things you can change in your life, instead of getting caught up in what you can’t. It’s so much more empowering.
2. You focus on previous hurts.
Although you might not see yourself as a chronic complainer, it’s a sign that you are one if you put your mental energy on things or people who have hurt you in the past. For example, you might think a lot about your ex who broke your heart or how you didn’t manage to achieve a goal, which keeps you feeling stressed, upset, and bitter. Try to challenge those thoughts about the past by focusing on your present and future. Being grateful for what you have can give you more perspective and help you feel amped about your life.
3. You trauma dump on people.
When people ask how you’re doing, you go straight for a complaint or two. You might complain about the bad day you had at the DMV or the car accident you had last week. Woah, all the person asked was “How are you?” By dumping your drama onto them, you’re giving them way too much info that’s draining them and making them second-guess asking you how you’re doing in the future. If you don’t know the person very well, hold back on what you say, and choose healthier outlets for your negative feelings, such as exercise, art, or therapy. That’s so much more fulfilling!
4. You feel like a victim in your life.
If you usually feel out of control of your life, you could be stuck in a cycle of complaining. You’re so focused on the bad things in your life that they’re leaving you feeling like you have no agency to change your situation. Yup, you’re in a dark hole. To get you out of victim mode, expose yourself to positivity when you feel stuck in your negative thoughts, such as in the form of calling a friend who always motivates you to find a way forward in life or who reminds you of your positive traits.
5. You tell yourself you’re “just being real.”
If you’re so used to complaining every day, you might tell yourself and everyone else that you’re just brutally honest about things, which is why you point out everything that’s wrong with the world, yourself, and other people. Um, not necessarily. By framing negativity as being realistic, this is a convenient way to justify your complaints instead of recognizing them as subjective opinions. Start keeping a journal in which to track your complaints so you become aware of your negative and unrealistic thought patterns. Instead of pointing out other people’s faults, start focusing on their positive traits. It will make you feel so much better.
6. You hear people say “Oh really?” a lot during conversation.
When you go off on a tangent, complaining about everything, you might notice that the person you’re speaking to will ask you questions, such as “Oh really?” or “Yeah?” They might be doing this to avoid investing in the conversation or engaging with you about what you’re complaining about. The bottom line: They’re done with your negative vibe! When someone does this, use it as a sign that you’re complaining too much. This will help you to become aware of your negativity and change the topic to something they want to talk about.
7. Your friends sigh before you talk.
Another way in which you can tell that you’re too much of a complainer is if your friends have a big sigh when you share a story with them about your day. Ouch. It’s like they’re exhausted by or bracing themselves for another one of your venting sessions. To avoid tension in your relationships, apologize to the person by saying something like, “Sorry that I’ve been complaining a lot. I didn’t realize it was so irritating.” Then, adjust your approach by trying to balance your conversation with positive topics for a change.
8. Your texts to people are mostly negative.
An easy way to tell if you’re complaining too much is if most of your texts to other people are negative. Most people who don’t complain too much tend to fill approximately 80 percent of their messages with positive content, and approximately 20 percent with negative stuff, per NBC News. If your texts are mostly negative, that’s a huge sign that you need to make some changes. Before sending a text, read it a few times to check that it’s not too negative. Replace negative words in your message with positive ones. For example, instead of writing, “This situation is terrible,” you could say, “This is challenging, but we can handle it.” This will make you feel more empowered.
9. You’re highly critical of people.
If you always complain, it can easily become negativity that you project onto everyone around you. You might focus on other people’s shortcomings or wrongdoings, which can cause tension in your relationships. If you frequently complain, you might also have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. When people don’t meet your impossible standards, it can cause you to make harsh judgments. Try to foster an empathetic response when you’re about to criticize someone so you can see the situation from their perspective. This turns the situation into a learning experience.
10. You blame other people for everything.
Sometimes being a chronic complainer can cause you to avoid taking accountability for things. This is because you might believe that outside forces and other people are responsible for what happens to you, so complaining about them fosters a victim mentality. Instead of blaming other people for your problems and challenges, try to focus on what you’ve done to contribute to them, as this helps you to learn from situations. It also enables you to improve yourself, so you can grow and feel confident.
11. You don’t see the positive in anything.
It’s super frustrating for people to witness how you never see beauty or positivity around you. This happens because complaining reinforces a negative cognitive bias, which makes you focus on negative experiences and feelings instead of positive ones. Try to keep a gratitude journal in which you write three things you’re grateful for every day. Over time, this will shift your focus from what’s going wrong to what’s going right. It can also help you to see that sometimes things happen for a good reason, even if they seem bad at the start.
12. You’re usually in a bad mood.
It’s difficult to stay upbeat if you’re always finding negative things to complain about. That’s enough to tank your mood, which causes more stress in your body. Complaining triggers the body’s cortisol (or stress) hormone, which contributes to irritability and depression, per the Journal of Clinical Medicine. Engage in meditation daily so you can observe your thoughts without judgment and reduce stress in a healthy way.
13. You get stuck in “What if?” thoughts.
Your constant complaining can be causing you to get stuck in a cycle of worrying instead of finding creative ways to achieve your goals. Try to challenge your negative “What if?” thoughts when they strike. For example, instead of thinking, “What if I fail during this job interview?” you could say, “I’ve prepared well, and I can handle this.” This makes you feel more in control, no matter the outcome. It also teaches you to focus on controlling how you react to situations, even if you can’t control the situations themselves.
14. You have the tendency to catastrophize.
Having high levels of stress and anxiety from complaining can cause you to become a chaos creator. If one little thing goes wrong, you see it as the biggest disaster in the world. This is a strong emotional response that can cause you to complain even more. It’s a vicious cycle. Deal with it by challenging your irrational thoughts by looking at the facts. For example, if you assume missing one deadline will get you fired, remember your history of good performance. Similarly, if you assume that a small disagreement with your partner is going to cause a breakup, think about how you’ve resolved conflicts before. Keep some perspective so you don’t snowball.
15. You want attention, whether positive or negative.
If you complain a lot, you might be expressing grievances so that you get empathy and sympathy from other people. This feels validating (for a while) by making you feel supported and understood. But, your constant complaining can be taxing on everyone around you, or make them view you as craving praise or attention. Focus on activities that give you a sense of internal validation, such as helping people. Mentoring, volunteering, or helping a friend in need can give you a strong sense of purpose and connection that’s so much more validating than complaining.
