While your intentions might be good (you do want the best for them, after all), some comments you make to your adult children can sting or just feel a tad outdated. It’s a balancing act, showing you care without crossing the line into overbearing or judgmental territory. Here are some phrases that might be best left unsaid, even if they seem harmless or even helpful to you.
1. “When are you going to give me grandkids?”
Look, having kids is a huge decision — one of the biggest you can ever make in life, Verywell Mind notes. It’s not something you can rush or force. Maybe your child isn’t ready, or maybe they don’t want kids at all. Either way, it’s their choice, not yours. Plus, constantly asking this question can create unnecessary pressure and even resentment.
2. “Why aren’t you married yet?”
Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some people prioritize their careers, others focus on building friendships, and some are just happy being single. Besides, pressuring your child to get married won’t magically make the right person appear. Trust that they’ll find their way and be with the right person when the time is right.
3. “You’re not as successful as your [sibling/friend/cousin].”
Comparing your child to others is a surefire way to make them feel inadequate and discouraged. Everyone has their own path and timeline for success. What matters is that your child is happy and fulfilled in their own way, regardless of how they measure up to others.
4. “You should lose some weight/get in shape.”
Comments about weight or appearance can be incredibly hurtful. It’s essential to remember that your child’s self-esteem doesn’t depend on fitting into a certain mold. Instead of focusing on their physical appearance, show them love and support for who they are as a person.
5. “I told you so.”
Even if you were right, saying “I told you so” is rarely helpful. It can make your child feel belittled and resentful, especially if they’re already feeling down about a mistake. Instead of rubbing it in their face, offer your support and help them find a solution or learn from the experience.
6. “You’re too old to be doing that.”
Age is just a number. As long as your child isn’t putting themselves or others in danger, let them explore their interests and passions. Whether it’s starting a new hobby, going back to school, or traveling the world, encourage them to live life to the fullest, regardless of their age.
7. “Are you sure you want to do that? It seems risky.”
While it’s natural to worry about your child’s choices, constantly questioning their decisions can erode their confidence and make them second-guess themselves. If you have concerns, express them in a supportive way, focusing on helping them weigh the pros and cons rather than discouraging them altogether.
8. “You need to settle down and get a real job.”
What constitutes a “real job” is subjective. Some people find fulfillment in unconventional careers, like freelancing, starting their own business, or working in the arts. Instead of judging your child’s career path, try to understand their motivations and support their ambitions, even if they don’t align with your own expectations.
9. “You’re making the same mistakes I did.”
We all make mistakes. It’s a part of life and how we learn. When your adult child stumbles, resist the urge to point out how their missteps mirror your own. Instead, offer guidance and support without judgment, Psychology Today suggests. Let them know you’re there to help them navigate challenges, just as you would hope someone would be there for you.
10. “Why don’t you just [insert unsolicited advice]?”
Unsolicited advice, even if well-intentioned, can often feel intrusive and patronizing. Unless your child specifically asks for your opinion, it’s usually best to keep it to yourself. Trust that they are capable of making their own decisions and learning from their own experiences.
11. “You’re spending too much money.”
While it’s natural to be concerned about your child’s financial habits, criticizing their spending choices can create tension and resentment. Instead, try to have an open and honest conversation about money management, offering suggestions and support rather than judgment.
12. “Why do you always have to be so [insert negative adjective]?”
Labeling your child with negative adjectives can damage their self-esteem and create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead of focusing on their perceived flaws, highlight their strengths and encourage them to embrace their unique personality.
13. “You’ll never amount to anything.”
Negative comments like this can be incredibly damaging to your child’s self-worth. It’s essential to believe in your child’s potential and express your support for their dreams and aspirations, even if they seem unconventional or challenging.
14. “You’re just like your [insert negative comparison to other family member].”
Comparing your child to other family members, especially in a negative light, can create unnecessary conflict and resentment. Each person is unique and should be celebrated for their individuality, not criticized for perceived similarities to others.
15. “I wish you were more like [insert someone else’s child].”
No child wants to hear that their parent wishes they were someone else. It’s a direct blow to their self-esteem and can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Focus on appreciating your child for who they are, not who you wish they were.
16. “You’re a disappointment.”
This is perhaps the most hurtful thing a parent can say to their child. It can damage their self-worth and create lasting emotional scars. Remember that your child is a unique individual with their own strengths and weaknesses. Your love and support should be unconditional, not contingent on their achievements or failures.
