It’s easy to assume that someone who’s smiling and knows all the right things to say is a good person, but take a deeper look into their behaviors and body language. You might find that they’re being super-fake! Here are 15 signs that someone’s coming across as kind but has a mean streak underneath their sweet words.
1. They’re always up for a good gossip.
Whenever you’re around this person, they always have a juicy bit of goss about someone to share with you. While you might think this is a way for them to bond with you, they’re actually showing you a mean side to their personality. All those negative, toxic comments aren’t lighthearted — they’re a sign that the person gets a hit of endorphins in the face of other people’s problems or issues. They’re always ready to put people down, which is a red flag that you shouldn’t trust them.
2. They brush off your feelings.
Although the person might seem nice when they say, “Oh, don’t worry about it!” when you’re going through a tough time, it’s not actually kind. They’re dismissing what you think or feel because they’d selfishly prefer to talk about their lives. They might not even say anything but give you an eye-roll or change the subject, which are further signs that they’re self-absorbed. Emotional invalidation can leave you feeling belittled and isolated, as Psych Central explains.
3. Their body language doesn’t match their words.
The person’s words might be sweet, but their body language could be giving you clues that they actually mean. For example, they might tell you that they’re looking forward to seeing you, but they could be avoiding meeting your eyes. Or, they might say that they’re happy for your achievements, but their smile doesn’t reach their eyes. These little signs tell you that they’re trying but failing to hide their real intentions.
4. Their smiles never seem natural.
Even if someone’s body language is matching their words, they might still be displaying insincerity. You’ll see it in the way their smile looks forced. Signs of a forced smile include if the person’s showing their bottom teeth, or you don’t see the crinkles forming around their eyes. The person might be trying to fool you by appearing happy or sweet when they could really be feeling resentful or angry.
5. They’re showing micro-expressions.
It’s weird when you’re in the middle of conversation with someone, and you notice a flash of a negative expression on their face. Micro-expressions are quick, subtle expressions that display what a person really feels. So, a person who’s faking kindness might say that they’re happy to help you with your project, but then frown in frustration when they think you’re not looking. Or, they might say that they’re happy to see you, but then they look away and roll their eyes. By paying attention, you can catch these blink-and-you’ll-miss-them expressions that tell you what they really think.
6. They become nicer when they need you.
Someone who’s fake-nice might only rock up when they want you to do something for them. For example, they might leave your texts on “read” for days but then call you up in a hurry when they need you to lend them your car, or they want you to give their book a positive review online. It’s so convenient! When they come to you, they’ll be sweet and loving, but it’s all an act to get what they want.
7. They’re a little too excited to see you.
When someone’s so happy to see you that they keep hugging you and telling you how wonderful you are, it’s a red flag. They’re going all out with their affection and attention, and it feels like love-bombing. It’s natural to assume that they’re hiding something. They might be overcompensating, trying to make you think they’re being genuine so they can get what they want from you. You might notice that fake-nice people resort to this flattery when they need to ask you for help or a favor.
8. They ask you how you are, but then dominate the conversation.
Although it’s thought that someone who asks you questions is showing they’re interested in what you have to say, this isn’t always the case. They might only be asking you how you are so they can derail you by talking about themselves. So, they might say, “Hey, how’s it going?” and immediately tell you how they’re doing. They’re showing fake concern with their initial question to be able to steer the conversation onto their topics. They also won’t ask you follow-up questions because they want to get your news out of the way as quickly as possible so you can hear theirs.
9. They seem “off” when you succeed at something.
When you achieve a goal and share it with this person, they don’t seem to care or share your excitement. Sure, they might say that they’re happy for you, but you’ll get a negative vibe from them. Maybe they’ll become quiet, look distracted, or change the subject. If you confront them about it, they might make you seem irrational or insist that they’re happy for you, but you just don’t seem to believe it. They could be hiding envy or resentment under their smiles.
10. Their compliments are a bit mean.
When the person gives you praise, maybe it always feels like it’s got a bite to it. They’re kings or queens of giving you backhanded compliments, such as by saying, “Your hair looks good blonde — it makes your face prettier” or “Good job on your promotion! I didn’t think you had it in you.” While it seems like they’re saying something nice, they’re chasing a compliment with an insult to undermine you and zap your confidence.
11. They’re always acting like the victim.
Someone who’s fake nice might regularly try to elicit sympathy from other people. This is a manipulative tactic to get what they want by guilt-tripping you. For example, if you tell your friend that you can’t help them with a project because you have to work, they might say, “That’s fine, I know your work is more important than your friendships.” Ouch! This serves to make you feel guilty for bailing on them and backtrack on your words. According to Verywell Mind, they use guilt-tripping tactics to make you fall in line with what they want.
12. They laugh at things you say that aren’t funny.
Isn’t it weird when you tell the person something about your day and they laugh at you? Or, you suggest meeting up for coffee sometime and they chuckle? It’s so insulting! Although they might seem nice during conversation, their inappropriate laughter shows that they’re being sarcastic or mocking you without being brave enough to tell you what they really think. It’s passive-aggressive behavior that shows they’re not a nice person.
13. Their compliments feel meaningless.
If someone’s always saying nice things about you, it can start to feel insincere. For example, if they keep telling you how amazing/beautiful you are, it’ll start to feel like they’re actually telling you that you’re not those things. The person could be giving you excessive praise to make you doubt yourself, or to try to soften you up to get something from you. They could also be desperate for your approval to boost their self-esteem. It’s usually a sign that they’re being manipulative.
14. They never get mad about anything.
Someone who’s happy-go-lucky all the time and always looking on the positive side of situations might be inspiring, but you have to admit it’s a little dodgy, right? No one can be upbeat all the time. If someone never shares their anger or frustration about anything, they’re clearly obsessed with trying to have a flawless public image. They’re not being authentic or trying to make genuine connections with other people because they’re censoring their real feelings. So, when they say they’re fine or everything’s cool, you can’t believe them.
15. They never say they’re sorry.
If someone never owns up to their mistakes by apologizing for their wrongdoings is showing you that they’re mean. Even if they’re otherwise kind to you, lacking the ability to say they’re sorry is a sign of entitlement. They might be expecting you to apologize because they don’t think they can do any wrong. When cornered, they might give you fake apologies, such as by saying they’re sorry for how you feel. This is a manipulative copout because they’re trying to make you feel like you’re the one to blame for reacting to their behavior.
