Narcissists pretend to be charming and amazing, but they can’t keep their facade going forever. After spending more time around them, you’ll see their mask slip during certain moments and finally get a peek into who they really are (spoiler: not a nice person). Here are 15 common instances when narcissists will reveal their true, manipulative selves.
1. When you criticize them
If you’re in a situation where you have to tell the narcissist they’ve upset you, you should brace yourself. Narcissists don’t want to face their flaws and insecurities, so they’ll immediately behave in a defensive way. They’ll try to deflect the criticism by making exaggerated justifications, like saying you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or they’ll lie about how much stress they’re under to elicit your sympathy. Since they see any small feedback or criticism as an attack on their personality, this causes them to become angry or aggressive.
2. When they succeed
When a narcissist achieves a goal, they’ll become boastful and braggy, overflowing with comments about their success. It’s a bit much. They’ll constantly talk about their accomplishments and expect you to pop the champagne with them to celebrate. Despite their confidence, they depend on external validation to mask their deep-seated insecurities.
3. When you achieve a goal
When a narcissist succeeds, they’ll celebrate from the rooftops. But when it’s your turn to shine? They’ll react totally differently, shutting down or looking at you as if you’re making a big deal out of nothing. They can’t bear to see anyone else receive attention or kudos, so they’ll undermine your joy and make you question its validity. Their goal is always to chip away at your self-esteem, ensuring they remain in the spotlight.
4. When you’re having a bad day
If you call the narcissist when you’re stressed out and need to vent, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Narcissists lack empathy so they won’t understand your perspective or actively listen to what you have to get off your chest. Instead, they’ll write off your feelings, perhaps by telling you that you’re exaggerating or being dramatic. Or, they might try to one-up you with a story about how much worse their experience was. See, it’s all about them!
5. When you choose something over them
Narcissists don’t like it if you have a life outside of the relationship. They’ll go to great lengths to try to make you choose them over your loved ones. For example, if you want to go for dinner with your friends instead of spending time with your narcissistic partner, they’ll guilt you into staying, such as by telling you how much they want to be with you. Although this can feel flattering, it’s a way for them to play the victim and get your attention. By making you change your plans, they’re achieving their goal of being your one and only priority.
6. When you fight
When you get into an argument with a narcissist, you’ll see what they’re really like. Their charming facade will drop and they’ll become hostile. Instead of addressing the issue causing the conflict, they’ll verbally attack or insult you. They always want to be right, so they’ll undermine your confidence and try to regain power with nasty comments. They might also stonewall you, like by giving you the silent treatment so that they feel in control of the situation.
7. When you introduce them to your friends
If you’re dating a narcissist and let them meet your loved ones, they’ll try hard to be the center of attention. They’ll be the most charming and flattering person in the room. They’ll basically love-bomb your friends to make you feel left out and for them to feel superior. This is really a display of how desperate and insecure they are, needing to win everyone’s approval.
8. When they make a mistake
If you happen to see a narcissist fail at something, they’ll try to deflect the blame onto someone else so they don’t have to own up to their mistakes. The last thing they want is to come face-to-face with their shortcomings as it makes them feel inferior. In your relationship, they’ll find any reason to make you seem like the guilty one so they don’t come across as anything but perfect.
9. When it’s a special occasion
Whether it’s your birthday party or a Christmas celebration with loved ones, a narcissist will always try to ruin the fun for everyone. They might sulk and be moody, or fake a crisis to take your attention away from the party. Or, they might find ways to take over the event with their outlandish and grandiose sob stories. They do this because they crave validation from others and can’t handle letting others have a good time.
10. When you ask them for a favor
If you need a narcissist to do something for you, their true personality often emerges. They’ll only help you if they stand to gain something from the situation or can use it to control you. For example, they’ll help you find your lost cat just to appear heroic in front of your loved ones. Or when you ask them for a favor, they might make you wait for them to agree to help—this keeps you in a state of uncertainty, reinforcing their control over you while increasing your dependence on them.
11. When they’re stressed
Sometimes the put-together facade of a narcissist will slip, especially during times of frustration and stress. Instead of being confident, the narcissist will react angrily because they can’t deal with any type of obstacle in their path. What you’re seeing in these moments is a display of their sense of entitlement. The second something doesn’t go according to their plan, they’ll scream and shout like it’s the end of the world.
12. When you give them a gift
If you surprise the narcissist in your life by spoiling them with a present, you might notice that they compare your gift to others they’ve received. Yikes. They might boast if they think the gift is superior or if the gift doesn’t meet their expectations, they’ll openly criticize it without any regard for your feelings. They do this to undermine you so you feel like you’re not good enough.
13. When they give you unsolicited advice
A narcissist will pretend to have your best interests at heart by showering you with support during the love-bombing phase of your relationship. They’ll go out of their way to make you feel special, perhaps by sending you thoughtful gifts or giving you compliments. However, their facade starts to crack when they begin offering unsolicited advice. For example, they might insist you change your career or critique your friendships under the guise of being helpful. This is meant to make them appear wise or knowledgeable, allowing them to exert dominance over you and undermine your independence.
14. When you ask them to apologize
If the narcissist has hurt you, you might be waiting for a sorry. But narcissists don’t engage in self-reflection, so they won’t think about what they’ve done wrong and how to make things right. Instead, they might say something like, “I’m sorry if you felt hurt by what I said but you were pushing my buttons,” or, they might say, “I’m sorry but I was joking—you’re too sensitive.” See, it’s always your fault.
15. When you break up with them
When you find the courage to walk away from a narcissist by ending the relationship, they’ll drop their facade. They’re terrified of being abandoned or rejected, so they’ll lash out. They might do this by outright fighting with you or in sneakier ways, such as by trying to connect with your friends to get you to answer their texts. They can’t take “no” for an answer because they always want to be in control. Some narcissists will even love-bomb you after a breakup to try to get you to take them back because they don’t want to end things on your terms. It’s all about them and what they want.
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