The modern dating scene can be frustrating, depressing, and a little scary, so it’s no wonder we all develop a robust list of red flags to protect us from future heartache or danger. Sometimes, though, that list of red flags can become a wall that keeps potentially good partners at a distance. How do you know when your caution is justified and when you can lighten up? Here are some signs that you’re so busy looking for red flags, you miss the green lights.
1. You have hyper-specific red flags.
If you find yourself telling your friends how you couldn’t stand someone’s nose whistle or how they pronounced “water,” you might need to re-examine your red flags. It’s important to listen to your intuition when it tells you something isn’t right, but you shouldn’t hide behind arbitrary flaws as an excuse not to give someone a chance.
2. You say “no” way more than you say “yes.”
Whether through left swipes, ghosting, or gentle let-downs, dating online can build up a substantial list of rejections. However, when your pile of “nos” is a whole mountain range compared to the small mound of “yes”es, you might be ignoring some gems. Not sure if you’re saying no too often? Try keeping a dating journal or just a tally of yes’s and no’s.
3. Your relationships are extremely short.
Not all relationships work out. That’s just life. But a series of one-to-three-month-long relationships might mean that you are too focused on what’s wrong than on what’s right. Take time to reflect on past relationships to figure out what role you played in things not working out. Ask your friends if they think your reasons for breaking up were justified, and be ready to accept their honest truth.
4. You fixate on people’s flaws.
It can be hard to listen to a loud chewer every time you eat together or smell a person who doesn’t believe in deodorant, but these are all superficial characteristics that can be discussed and worked around. When all you think about is a person’s mundane flaws, you are inevitably going to miss amazing aspects of their personality.
5. You make sweeping generalizations.
Traumatic experiences can lead us to put negative connotations on normal objects or characteristics. When you start saying that you won’t date people who wear flannel or who have blue eyes, this is a sign you need to examine how you came up with those generalized red flags. Maybe your abusive ex used to wear flannel or your terrible boss has blue eyes. That doesn’t mean the next blue-eyed person who asks you out is also terrible. Try talking to your friends or seek out a therapist to help you see past these traumas. We all need help sometimes.
6. You’re unclear about your green flags.
You might talk endlessly with your friends about your red flags, but have you told them what your green lights are? If you can’t write down at least three characteristics or behaviors that are your go-aheads for a second date, then you might be too focused on what you don’t want.
7. You don’t have the qualities you’re looking for in a partner.
You may know what you do and don’t want in a partner, but are you exemplifying those values and behaviors? Maybe you want a partner who is concerned with your mental and emotional health and makes time to talk to you about them often. Do you do that with your close friends or family members? Make sure you take a look in the mirror before you start judging your dates for not being the person you want them to be.
8. You refuse to compromise.
Every strong relationship is built upon a foundation of mutual compromises. That doesn’t mean that you should concede your deepest values and beliefs, but you have to be willing to share your life with someone without stomping all over their needs and desires. If you find yourself unable to compromise with those you hope to become partners, it’s time for some self-examination.
9. You conflate the past with the present.
It’s important to learn from your past dating experiences without letting bad experiences taint your current situation. Just because your past partner always argued with you after work doesn’t mean you need to schedule all dates later in the evening or on the weekends. Instead, you need to learn what your triggers are and communicate them to the person you’re dating.
10. You stick to a rigid routine.
When we spend long periods as a bachelor(ette), we tend to create a very specific routine. Inviting a new person into this routine can be jarring for both parties. And if you’re too in love with the way you’re used to doing things, it can seem like the other person can never do anything right. But new experiences are important and healthy for personal growth, so try being open to at least some suggestions for breaks in your routine.
11. You don’t know how to spot green flags.
This can be a hard sign to recognize because you are literally unable to see what’s wrong. But if your friends keep telling you that they can’t understand why you stopped seeing the last few people you dated, it could be because you don’t know how to see their strengths over their flaws. If this is a problem in other areas of your life, stop focusing on the negatives.
12. You’re pessimistic about dating.
The longer you are actively dating, the more likely you are to see the dark and depressing sides of the dating world. Rather than let this pessimism taint your ability to see green lights over red flags, try taking breaks to concentrate on deepening friendships or taking yourself on dates.
13. You’re a bit too sensitive.
There’s nothing wrong with being an emotionally sensitive person, but if you find yourself constantly offended or upset, you might need to work on your resiliency. It’s hard to let people in when your emotions push them away, even if you don’t mean them to. Also, your strong emotions might be a defense mechanism that you need to identify and examine.
14. You refuse to see the upsides.
While some of us can’t see green lights, others of us only want to see red flags. No one is good enough, can ever be good enough, and yet we continue to long for a partner. If you truly want to be with someone (and it’s okay if you don’t!), you have to learn how to accept that a person can be right for you even though they have imperfections. We’re all human, and none of us are perfect.
15. Your friends love your date but you don’t.
Because the dating world can be a difficult place to be in, it’s important to build a strong circle of friends who will build you up when you get rejected, let you know when the red flags are real, and, most importantly, give you the go-ahead when they see your date is right for you. They can be more objective and optimistic than the insecure person you become when you start dating someone. When in doubt, turn to your closest friends.
