Just because you’re grown up doesn’t mean sibling rivalry magically disappears. If you’re still butting heads with your brother or sister, try these 15 strategies to keep the peace and your sanity. Not only will it make your parents happier, but it’ll make holidays and other family gatherings a lot less painful if you can find a way to get along.
1. Establish adult boundaries.
You’re not kids anymore, so it’s time to set some grown-up ground rules. Decide what behavior you won’t tolerate from your sibling — meddling in your personal life, criticizing your choices, etc. Communicate those boundaries clearly and firmly, Time Magazine urges. This ensures you get the respect you deserve.
2. Don’t fall into old patterns.
It’s easy to slip back into childhood roles — the bossy older sister, the annoying little brother. Recognize when you’re falling into those old dynamics and make a conscious effort to break the cycle. You’re adults now, and it’s time to act like it. If you notice this happening, stop, take a deep breath, and switch things up.
3. Find new ways to connect.
Your relationship with your sibling doesn’t have to revolve around rivalry. Look for opportunities to bond over shared interests, whether it’s trying a new restaurant together or taking a siblings-only vacation. Creating positive new memories can help overshadow old resentments.
4. Choose your battles wisely.
You don’t have to engage every time your sibling pushes your buttons. Sometimes, the most mature thing you can do is simply walk away. Save your energy for the issues that really matter, and let the petty stuff go.
5. Practice gratitude.
Instead of focusing on all the ways your sibling irritates you, try to appreciate their good qualities. Maybe they have a great sense of humor, or they’re always there for you when you need them. Regularly expressing gratitude can shift your perspective and improve your relationship.
6. Maintain healthy distance.
Just because you’re siblings doesn’t mean you have to be joined at the hip. It’s okay to set boundaries around your time and space. Don’t feel guilty about saying no to invitations or taking time for yourself when you need it. If you can’t stand to be around them more than once a week (or every couple of weeks), that’s okay. Do what’s best for you (and your sanity).
7. Lead by example.
Be the sibling you want to have. If you want more respect and understanding from your brother or sister, model those qualities yourself. Treat them with kindness and empathy, even when they’re not extending the same courtesy to you. They could be overly defensive or hostile because they’re getting the same energy back from you. Shifting the vibe could change your relationship for the better.
8. Try to understand.
Your sibling may be acting out for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Maybe they’re going through a tough time at work or in their personal life. Try to see things from their perspective and offer support instead of judgment.
9. Celebrate each other’s successes.
Sibling rivalry often stems from a sense of competition. Instead of feeling threatened by your sibling’s accomplishments, make an effort to genuinely celebrate them. Their success doesn’t diminish your own.
10. Find common purpose.
Look for ways to work together towards a shared goal, whether it’s planning a surprise party for your parents or tackling a home renovation project. Collaborating on something meaningful can help you see each other as allies instead of rivals.
11. Set comparisons aside.
It’s hard not to compare yourself to your siblings, especially if you feel like they’ve always been the “golden child.” But constantly measuring yourself against them is a recipe for resentment. Focus on your own path and define success on your own terms.
13. Be a united front.
When it comes to dealing with family issues — aging parents, inheritance disputes, etc. — try to present a united front with your siblings. Working together to navigate these challenges can strengthen your bond and prevent resentment from festering.
14. Embrace healthy competition.
A little friendly sibling competition can be fun, as long as it doesn’t get nasty. Challenge your brother or sister to a 5K race, a bake-off, or a trivia night. Keep the stakes low and the vibes positive.
15. Consider family therapy.
If sibling rivalry is causing serious distress or impacting your other relationships, it might be time to bring in a professional. As the Cleveland Clinic explains, a family therapist can help you work through old grievances and develop healthier communication patterns.
16. Remember the big picture.
At the end of the day, your siblings are a part of your life story. You’ve shared a unique journey together, and that bond is worth preserving. So take a step back, remember the good times, and try to approach your relationship with patience, empathy, and a healthy dose of humor. Sibling rivalry may never completely disappear, but it doesn’t have to define you.
