You try to talk to a friend or partner about something that’s on your mind and they raise their voice, shut down, or brush off your concerns. What’s going on? They were defensive and derailed the whole conversation—now you’ve had an unexpected blow-up. To prevent drama in the future, here are 15 smart replies to people who are being defensive. Phew!
1. “I think you misunderstood me.”
Defensive people will explode at you for your comments. For example, if you tell them that you feel like they’re being a bit rude, they’ll turn the tables by listing your flaws. Instead of escalating the tension, calmly telling them that they’ve misunderstood you is an effective way to make them pause and listen to what you’re really trying to say.
2. “I get what you’re saying.”
You might not agree with everything the other person is saying, but showing a bit of empathy by acknowledging their thoughts and feelings can be helpful. A simple statement, such as, “I get what you’re saying” can diffuse their defensiveness. You’re telling them you’re paying attention and want to know what they think, which can calm things down.
3. “Let’s agree to disagree on this.”
If you’ve heard the person out and still feel like you’re not seeing eye-to-eye, it’s worth putting an end to the conversation. Moving the conversation onto a different topic in a polite and respectful way, like by saying, “Let’s agree to disagree,” will help. Bonus: You’ll avoid the defensive person going off on a tangent about how they feel attacked, which wastes everyone’s time.
4. “Let’s take a five-minute break.”
If you’re feeling frustrated during the conversation but still want to resolve the conflict, you could suggest that you take a quick break away from the situation. This will help you both calm down and process your feelings, so you can return to the conversation with a fresh perspective. Nice!
5. “It seems like you’re feeling attacked, but that’s not my intention.”
Usually, people react defensively because they feel judged or attacked. Simply pointing out to the other person that you didn’t mean to attack them can help them to feel more at ease. This type of comeback works well to put their guard down—it de-escalates the tension enabling you to have a more productive conversation.
6. “What did I do to trigger you?”
While you might be shocked at the person’s defensive reaction to your questions or comments, it doesn’t help to tell them to calm down or stop it. That can just make things worse! So, instead, ask them a question about what you did to trigger them. This works well because it’s an empathetic response, showing them you care about what they have to say. Sometimes that’s all they need to hear.
7. “I value your opinion, but let’s consider alternative viewpoints.”
Some defensive people will get stuck in their thoughts and views, showing an inability to open their minds to other ways of thinking. This can make you feel like you can’t get through to them, which is why this comeback works so well. It gently asks them not to dismiss your perspective, without attacking their beliefs or opinions.
8. “I’m open to hearing your feedback, but let’s keep the conversation productive.”
Defensiveness can cause a conversation to become stressful, especially if the other person is being judgy or mean. By telling them that you’re open to hearing their feedback, you’re acknowledging that you’re willing to hear their perspective. But, adding that you want to keep the conversation productive is a way to set boundaries. It prevents the conversation from becoming negative and toxic.
9. “I like your passion, but let’s focus on solutions.”
A defensive person might become highly emotional, which can be super stressful. But, having the emotional intelligence to frame it as passion or energy can help to diffuse their reaction. This response, therefore, promotes a more constructive conversation, which is further aided by focusing on solutions.
10. “Please don’t speak to me in that tone.”
Sometimes, being empathetic with a defensive person doesn’t get through or make them aware of their behavior. If they’re still being rude or raising their voice, you’ll want to speak up and tell them you’re uncomfortable. You can do this by saying something like, “Please don’t speak to me in that tone.” It’s important to maintain a calm tone of voice when you do this so you don’t escalate the situation. You could also use “I feel” statements to convey your message, such as, “I feel attacked when you scream at me.”
11. “I know you meant to help.”
A defensive person might resort to victimization if they feel attacked, like bursting into tears, or claiming that they’re misunderstood. Acknowledge that you know they don’t have malicious intent with their defensiveness, by saying, “I know you didn’t mean to sound offensive” or “I know you meant to help.” This will help you move past the emotional outburst and let them know you’re not trying to hurt them.
12. “How can we resolve this?”
This can help redirect the conversation in a positive way. It moves away from blame or criticism and towards finding a solution. It also encourages both parties to focus on resolution instead of dwelling on past mistakes or feelings of mistreatment. The use of “we” in this response conveys a sense of teamwork and collaboration.
13. “What would you like to do?”
This is another response focused on working together on a solution while being receptive to the other person’s feedback. This makes them feel empowered so they take an active role in finding a solution to the problem. It also works well on defensive people who tend to shut down by engaging them in the conversation.
14. “I agree we should talk about this.”
Staying open and kind during a heated moment, like saying, “I agree we should talk about this” shows the person that you’re facing the issue head-on. Instead of shutting down or running away, you want to talk and sort things out. You’re bringing down their emotional walls by showing them the conversation is important to you and they don’t need to be defensive.
15. “I’ve learned more about you now.”
Sometimes, people can become defensive because they don’t feel understood by others, which is why this response works so well. Using the phrase “I’ve learned” when dealing with a defensive person helps them to feel heard and considered. It reduces their defensive response, while hopefully making them more receptive to listening to what you have to say.
