There’s nothing wrong with being nice to everyone you meet. However, when this spills over into trying to please everyone (often at your own expense), you take on dangerous characteristics that could be bad for your mental health. Being a pushover isn’t a good thing, but if you’ve been one for as long as you can remember, it can be hard to break the cycle. The first step is identifying what you’re doing wrong — here are a few possibilities.
1. Having low confidence
How much confidence do you have in yourself? How’s your self-esteem? If you’re a pushover, you probably don’t think all that highly of yourself. This means that when you look in the mirror, you don’t like what you see, and the negative self-talk that goes on in your head says things like, “You can’t do this,” “You’re not capable,” “You’re not good enough,” or “You’re so bad at that.” It’s important to build your self-worth so that you feel able to demand respect from everyone you meet.
2. Pleasing everyone around you
People pleasers often fall into the habit of being pushovers. You can’t seem to help it – you want to ensure everyone around you is happy. Whenever you’re in a social setting, you think about how everyone else is doing instead of relaxing and enjoying yourself. Has everyone got the drink they want? Have they eaten enough? Are they having a good time? Does that person want to be standing, or should I give them my chair? You see it as your job to ensure other’s happiness, and it often leaves you feeling miserable (or at the very least, exhausted).
3. Caring about what other people think
Caring too much about what others think is another classic pushover sign, Harvard Business Review explains. This might be something that occupies your thoughts all day, every day. No matter what you do, you can’t help but wonder how people see you. You wonder if people are judging you for what you’re wearing, what you’re listening to, how you’re driving, how you’re walking, what you’re saying — the list goes on. You find it hard to do anything without wondering what’s going on in other people’s heads. You may even change your behavior based on what you think people are thinking of you. Whew!
4. Avoiding confrontation
While confrontation isn’t something that most of us seek out, it’s sometimes a necessary part of life. However, you might avoid it like the plague if you’re a pushover. Perhaps you and your best friend have disagreed about something – maybe they gave you a ride home the other night, and they’re miffed because you didn’t offer to pay them for gas. They’ve tried to talk to you about it, but instead of responding to them and trying to fix the situation, you’re choosing to avoid them. Sadly, avoiding conflict only causes issues to snowball and become worse than they are down the line!
5. Saying “yes” to everything
Someone who says “yes” to everything is bound to get walked all over. Whenever one of your friends texts you and asks you if you can play golf, look after their cat for the weekend, or babysit their nieces, whether you can help them out or not, you always say yes. Then you get anxious because you know you can’t help them, but you have to because you’re committed and can’t get out of it.
6. Saying “sorry” to everyone, even for things you haven’t done
Someone who’s a pushover will automatically take the blame for everything, even if they’re not at fault. You’re most likely the first to apologize in your relationship or friend group. Say you’ve had an argument with your partner about whose turn it is to wash the dishes, and you know it’s their turn. Instead of pointing this out, you can’t stand being on bad terms with them, so you apologize to them and wash the dishes twice in a row.
7. Not giving your input
In a healthy friend group or relationship, everyone must be able to voice their thoughts and feelings. However, you often feel like you have to censor yourself to keep the peace and avoid rocking the boat. Instead of speaking up when you disagree with something that’s being said or a situation that’s occurring, you keep quiet. This leads people to believe they can get away with anything with you since they know you’ll never call them out on it.
8. Not giving constructive criticism
When someone asks you what you think about something, you don’t know how to be honest if you have something negative to say, so you lie instead and always say something positive that you don’t mean. Say, for example, that your best friend is getting married soon. and you’re helping her pick a wedding dress. She’s asking you what you think of the one she’s got on, and you think it looks awful. You can’t bring yourself to say this, though, so instead, you lie and tell her she looks great.
9. Making fun of yourself too much
Everybody loves a bit of light self-deprecation — teasing and banter are cornerstones of a great friendship. However, people with pushover tendencies tend to take this too far. It gets to the point where it’s no longer funny and instead, it just makes you look insecure and very mean to yourself.
10. Not putting your needs first
Pushovers tend to prioritize everyone else’s needs over their own, often to their won detriment. Perhaps you still have several people dependent on you at home. Instead of doing your fair share around the house, you always take it a step further and insist on helping other people with their duties. You do all this without asking them to help you in return, often leaving you feeling burned out and exhausted.
11. Being friends with people who take advantage of you
While you have some great friends around you now, you’ve gone through seasons in the past where you’ve made poor friendship choices and chosen people who ended up taking advantage of you. They quickly saw how hard you found it to say “no” and made the most of this. You were always the person who ended up being the sober driver; you would foot the bill when your friends forgot their wallet at dinner, and you’d always have to be the one to go out and get more supplies when your friends had a party.
12. Compromising too much
Relationships require negotiation, and if you’re the pushover in your relationship, you might often find that you get the short end of the stick. You and your partner may try to balance out your social lives so that they get to go out two or three times a month, and so do you. However, lately, your partner has been going out with their friends almost every weekend, and it’s been at least a month since you saw yours. That’s not fair!
13. Believing everyone is superior to you
Even if you’ve done really well in your career, you might still experience imposter syndrome. This is where you constantly undermine yourself about your achievements, believing deep down that you do not deserve them. Despite your success, you think that everyone else at work is better than you, and no matter how well you continue to do in your chosen field, you fear you’ll always feel like this.
14. Not having any boundaries
Having limits and rules around what you’re happy with and not satisfied with is essential in any relationship, platonic or romantic. It’s a fundamental right that we all have that helps us draw the line when we need to protect ourselves. Because you don’t assert your boundaries with people, they feel they can walk all over you, and sadly, you let them. Don’t do it!
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