Relationships are messy. We all bring our baggage and quirks to the table, but sometimes, we normalize behaviors that aren’t actually healthy. We see them in movies, hear about them from friends, or maybe even grew up around them. These destructive patterns can sneak up on us, disguised as “just the way things are.” Here are some of these habits and why they’re not as harmless as you might think.
1. Keeping score in the relationship
Ever find yourself tallying up who did what chore, who initiated the last date night, or who said, “I love you” first? That’s keeping score, and it’s not cute. It creates a competitive atmosphere instead of one that focuses on teamwork. Relationships are about working together and supporting each other, not keeping tabs on who’s winning or losing.
2. Using passive aggression instead of direct communication
Giving the silent treatment, making snarky comments, or intentionally “forgetting” to do something your partner asked—that’s passive aggression, Psychology Today points out. It might feel satisfying in the moment, but it’s a toxic way to communicate. If something is bothering you, talk about it directly. Be honest and open, even if it’s uncomfortable. Passive aggression only breeds resentment and misunderstanding.
3. Threatening to break up during every argument
Using the threat of a break-up as a weapon during every disagreement is emotionally manipulative and damaging. It creates instability and insecurity in the relationship. Arguments and disagreements should be opportunities to grow closer, not to dangle the D-word over your partner’s head. If you’re genuinely considering breaking up, that’s a conversation to have calmly and seriously, not in the heat of an argument.
4. Always trying to “win” the argument
Sometimes, you just need to be right, don’t you? But in a relationship, “winning” an argument can actually be losing. If you’re more focused on proving your point than understanding your partner’s perspective, it can destroy trust and intimacy. Healthy communication is about finding solutions together, not proving who’s smarter or more right.
5. Dismissing or minimizing your partner’s feelings
Telling your partner they’re “overreacting,” “being too sensitive,” or “making a big deal out of nothing” is a surefire way to damage the relationship. It invalidates their emotions and makes them feel unheard. Even if you don’t understand their feelings, it’s important to validate them and try to see things from their perspective.
6. Making jokes at your partner’s expense
Playful teasing can be fun, but there’s a line. If your jokes consistently target your partner’s insecurities, belittle their accomplishments, or make them feel bad about themselves, it’s not funny. It’s hurtful and can really harm their self-esteem. Remember, humor should bring you closer together, not tear each other down.
7. Trying to change your partner
We all have flaws, and relationships involve some compromise. But if you’re constantly trying to mold your partner into someone they’re not, that’s a recipe for disaster. Love them for who they are, not who you want them to be. If their behaviors or habits are truly dealbreakers, then maybe they’re not the right person for you.
8. Keeping secrets or hiding things from your partner
Honesty and transparency are the bedrock of a healthy relationship. If you’re keeping secrets, hiding things, or lying to your partner, it destroys trust and creates distance. It’s important to be open and honest with each other, even if it’s difficult. Secrets have a way of festering and can ultimately destroy a relationship.
9. Using jealousy as a sign of love
Some people believe that jealousy is proof that their partner cares deeply. They might get upset if you talk to someone attractive, question your friendships with the opposite sex, or even try to control your social life. But jealousy is not love; it’s insecurity and a lack of trust. A healthy relationship is built on mutual trust and respect, not on possessiveness or control.
10. Expecting your partner to be your everything
It’s romantic to think of your partner as your soulmate, best friend, and lover all rolled into one, but placing all your emotional and social needs on one person is unrealistic and unsustainable. It’s important to have a life outside of your relationship, with your own friends, hobbies, and interests, HuffPost notes. This allows you to maintain your individuality and bring fresh energy to the relationship.
11. Avoiding conflict resolution
Sweeping problems under the rug or avoiding difficult conversations might seem like a way to keep the peace, but it’s actually a recipe for disaster. Unresolved conflicts fester and grow over time, eroding trust and intimacy. A healthy relationship involves addressing problems head-on, communicating openly, and working together to find solutions.
12. Not respecting your partner’s privacy
Snooping through their phone, checking their emails, or demanding to know their every move is a major invasion of privacy. It’s a sign of distrust and a lack of respect for their autonomy. Healthy relationships are built on trust and mutual respect, not suspicion and control.
13. Using love as a bargaining chip
“If you loved me, you’d do this for me.” Sound familiar? This kind of emotional blackmail is a manipulation tactic. Love shouldn’t be conditional or used as a weapon. A healthy relationship involves unconditional love and support, even when disagreements arise.
14. Always needing to be right
Pride can be a major obstacle to healthy communication. If you’re always trying to “win” the argument or prove that you’re right, it can create a competitive dynamic that kills both trust and intimacy. In a relationship, being right is less important than understanding each other’s perspectives and finding solutions together.
15. Expecting your partner to read your mind
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No matter how well you know each other, expecting your partner to anticipate your needs without communicating them is a recipe for frustration. We all have different ways of expressing ourselves and interpreting cues. Clear and direct communication is essential for avoiding misunderstandings and meeting each other’s needs.
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