Just because you were raised by caring parents who wanted the best for you and raised you well, it doesn’t mean they’re perfect people. Even now that you’re an adult, they might do little things that upset or frustrate you, making you feel like you’re still a kid in their eyes. Here are 15 examples of things parents do to hurt their grown children’s feelings, even if they don’t mean to.
1. They tell their adult kids what to do.
Being on the receiving end of unsolicited advice can sometimes feel like a bore, but parents might do it because they assume it’ll be well received. They might think that since they have their children’s best interests at heart, they can tell them what to do, such as when it comes to who they date or what career they choose. Although they might mean well or want their children to validate their opinions, it can be annoying for their adult children to hear. It makes them feel like they’re still little kids!
2. They remind their adult children to wear a sweater when it’s cold outside.
Some parents can be a tad too overprotective, even when their kids have grown up. They might remind them to pack a sweater for dinner when the temperature plummets or not forget to eat a healthy dinner when they’re working too hard. Yikes. Being overly protective can hinder an adult child’s independence and make them feel a bit suffocated in the relationship. It can also sometimes feel like their parents are being condescending, telling them things they feel are obvious, such as basic self-care.
3. They compare their adult children to their siblings.
If someone has sisters or brothers, they might feel inadequate because their parents make comparisons between them. The parents might say, “Why can’t you be like your sister, who chose a well-paying career?” or “Your brother has kids, so why don’t you?” They might be doing this to encourage their adult children to improve, but it comes off as trying to create rivalries and jealousy in the family. It also feels like they’re trying to tell their kids they’re not good enough for not living up to their standards.
4. They call their adult children when they’re busy.
Disregarding boundaries, like calling their adult children when they’re at work or asleep at night, might not seem like a big deal to them. As a parent, they might assume that they have the freedom to do anything they want. This behavior can make their grown children feel disrespected and unvalued. If they’ve already explained to their parents why they can’t be available to them 24-7 and they still push their luck, it feels like they’re not considering their children’s needs.
5. They brush off their adult children’s feelings.
When someone opens up to their parents, like by telling them about their problems, it’s hurtful if they don’t engage in active listening. If they write off their adult child’s feelings, such as by saying “Don’t worry so much” or “You’re too sensitive about this,” it’s not helpful. It can make them feel like their parents aren’t trying to understand them. They’re simply not being empathetic. In their parents’ defense, they might be trying to make their kids stronger or more resilient, but that’s condescending. They should be acknowledging what their adult children feel and need.
6. They dominate conversations.
Some parents will make every conversation about their experiences. Although they have a lot of history and life experience, they might not realize that it’s rude to dominate every conversation by sharing their thoughts and opinions. This can make their adult children feel like their parents lack the open-mindedness to consider what they want to talk about. It can make communicating with them challenging, especially if the adult children constantly have to try to get a word in.
7. They impose expectations.
It’s not healthy if people feel like they keep striving and failing to meet their parents’ expectations. It’s so much pressure! Perhaps the parents expect their adult children to see them every weekend, even though their lives are busy and hectic. Or, maybe they create feelings of pressure by expecting their kids to pick up their groceries every week. If the children don’t meet their parents’ expectations, it can cause them to feel like a bad son/daughter. It fosters guilt and resentment.
8. They pressure their adult kids to get married.
Although parents mean well when they ask their adult kids, “Why haven’t you met anyone yet?” or “When are you going to get married?” it can be hurtful; it implies that they don’t think their kids can be happy without having a special someone in their life. It also makes the adult children feel like they’re hurting their parents’ feelings by making different choices in life. It feels like a lot of pressure, especially since it’s impossible to control everything in life, like when one finds love.
9. They critique their adult children’s appearance.
Maybe one’s mom tells them their hair’s too blonde for their skin tone, or their dad says they should stop wearing tracksuits and look more stylish. Ugh. It’s upsetting if adult children feel they need to change themselves to impress their parents, the two people in the world who should love them unconditionally. The thing is, they might not mean to make their kids feel bad. They might be criticizing them because of their own beliefs and upbringing, but it would be great if they could try to see the situation from their children’s perspective.
10. They ignore their adult children’s achievements.
It can be upsetting if someone gets a promotion at work or gets one step closer to achieving their dream and their parents fail to give them the congratulations they were expecting. The parents might be trying to keep their children humble or be afraid that openly celebrating their achievements will lead to a sense of entitlement. Whatever the case, different priorities could cause tension in the relationship, without the parents having intended it to happen.
11. They offload about all their problems.
Maybe one’s mom or dad calls them up and confides in them about their romantic relationship, latest health tests, or financial issues. Although they might feel it’s healthy to be transparent with their children, sometimes this can feel inappropriate. The adult children might not want to see their parents as their best friends, or they might expect certain boundaries to be in place so that everyone can maintain a level of privacy. If parents rely too much on their adult children for emotional support, it treats them like surrogate spouses, while inhibiting their own personal growth.
12. They never apologize.
It can feel strange if parents never say they’re sorry. They might struggle to acknowledge their mistakes because they want to maintain a sense of authority in the parent-child relationship. Or, they might fear that apologizing for their wrongdoings undermines their role as a parent. That said, taking responsibility and saying sorry is worth it. It can strengthen their relationship with their adult children, fostering greater honesty and respect.
13. They overstep by parenting their grandkids.
If someone has children, their parents might relish their role as grandparents. Maybe a little too much at times! They might interfere in how their adult children parent their kids, as though they know better. For example, someone might have a “no sugar” or “no TV” rule for their kids to follow, but their parents might go behind their back and do the opposite when babysitting. It’s frustrating. When parents go against their child’s parenting rules, it causes strain in their relationship. It makes the adult children feel like their parents don’t see them as capable, competent people.
14. They guilt-trip their adult children into doing certain things.
Sometimes, parents have a strong need to guide their adult children. Although they mean well, it can be taken to the extreme, such as if they guilt-trip their adult children to live life their way. From putting pressure on their adult kids to live in the same city as them to choosing a specific career, parents might use phrases like, “We sacrificed so much for you…” to make their children feel bad. Although this can be annoying or irritating, it’s important to understand where they’re coming from. For example, the parents might be feeling isolated/lonely/frustrated. By addressing the issue in an empathetic way, this can improve their relationship.
15. They remind their adult children of their previous mistakes.
Some parents never seem to forget their children’s failures, no matter how much they grow up. It’s as though they have a picture of their kids in their minds that never changes! Although they might be trying to remind their children of their mistakes to prevent them from slipping back into bad ways, this approach can create stress and tension. To heal and move forward, it’s important for adult children to address the issue in a calm way, letting their parents know that they understand their concerns but their constant reminders aren’t constructive.
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