If you know a manipulator or are in a relationship with one, you’ll know that they love to tell you lies. Not only that, but they also enjoy lying to themselves. This is one of the ways that they are able to manipulate so easily—the more they lie about their behavior, the easier it is to justify. Let’s look at some common lies manipulators tell themselves to account for how they act.
1. “I’m not irrational, they are.”
This is a classic lie used by manipulators to justify their actions. Perhaps you’ve just had a disagreement, and your partner has accused you of being irrational. You know in your gut that they’re the irrational ones, but they refuse to see it your way. This is because they’re also telling themselves this—otherwise, they would have to admit that they’re out of bounds.
2. “If only I’d had a better childhood.”
Sometimes, it’s easy to blame our present behavior on our past instead of working to heal and reaching out for the proper support. Whether you’ve had a good or bad childhood, there’s no reason why you can’t live a fulfilling life as an adult. Manipulators will lean heavily on this lie to justify their actions. They would have to change their behavior if they admitted they could heal from a bad childhood.
3. “I would change if I could, but I can’t.”
Speaking of change, childhood is just one of the reasons manipulators tell themselves the lie that they can’t change. They say they wish they could be a nicer person who didn’t hurt others, but they simply can’t. They’re victims of their circumstances, their environment, their childhood—anything that’s going to prevent them from becoming a good person.
4. “I’m doing it for their own good.”
Have you ever felt like your partner is trying to “help” you when, in reality, they’re actually hurting you? You’ve tried to communicate this to them, but they refuse to listen. This is most likely because they are lying to themselves about the situation. They truly believe that they’re acting the way they are for your own good and that you’ll thank them later.
5. “I’m the only person they can trust.”
If your manipulative partner has isolated you from your family and friends, then they might be telling themselves the lie that they’re the only one you can trust. Instead, they’ve got it twisted—they’re the last person in the world that you can trust, but unfortunately, they’re the only person you’ve got. This lie helps them justify their isolation tactics to gain greater control over you.
6. “Everyone’s so sensitive.”
A classic lie that manipulators tell themselves to justify hurting those around them is that everyone gets easily offended. If only people weren’t so sensitive, they could say exactly how they feel without any consequences. The truth is that they want to continue manipulating and coercing people without having the consequences fall back on them.
7. “Why do bad things always happen to me?”
Often, manipulators are the biggest victims, and one of the bigger lies they tell themselves is that life is always handing them a raw deal. Instead of being able to see the truth, which is that bad things happen to everyone, they double down on this victimizing statement and say it when they’re being mean to others.
8. “If I weren’t honest with them, nobody would be.”
One trait you might be familiar with if you have a manipulative partner is their uncanny ability to hurt you with the “truth.” Not only are they terrible with their delivery, but they seem to know the right buttons to press to get under your skin and make it personal. They justify this by telling themselves that nobody else would be honest if they weren’t.
9. “Someone’s got to take control.”
Controlling behavior is often associated with manipulators, so it will come as no surprise that they justify it by telling themselves they’re meant to be in charge. They claim not to see anyone else stepping up to the plate and taking the reins, which is halfway true. Nobody else is doing so because they’re afraid of the manipulator.
10. “They don’t mean that.”
If you’ve tried confronting a manipulator about their behavior before, you might have been met with a stone wall. They refused to absorb anything you said and continued as if you hadn’t had the conversation. This is because they immediately chalk up your accusations to you just being emotional. They don’t honestly believe you mean what you say.
11. “They don’t know what’s best for them.”
Another controlling tactic and lie that manipulators tell themselves to justify their behavior is that they’re the only one who knows what’s best for you. Again, having taken you away from all of your loved ones, they’re under the impression that anything you need you can come to them for. They can make your choices for you since they know better than anyone what you need.
12. “They took that the wrong way.”
How many times has your manipulative partner reacted to your reaction by claiming that you took what they did the wrong way? Of course, they couldn’t be in the wrong—you simply misinterpreted their actions. Yeah, right.
13. “If people cared more, I wouldn’t be like this.”
Another victimizing statement manipulators use to justify their actions is that if people actually showed that they cared, they wouldn’t behave as they do. This has nothing to do with the fact that change starts from within, and while moral support is important, personal accountability is, too.
14. “They don’t realize I’m just kidding.”
How many times has your manipulative partner resorted to saying, “I’m just kidding” after they’ve hurt you? This is a last-resort tactic they’ll use if you claim that you don’t believe them or think they’re wrong. They convince themselves they’re just playing around to make light of their actions.
15. “Nobody understands me.”
Manipulators constantly lean on the victim mentality. They work hard to convince themselves that they are mean and hurtful to those around them because they feel misunderstood. But there are healthy ways to deal with feeling like people don’t get you—being mean is not one of them.
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