Trying to change your partner is never a good idea. Not only does it push them away, but it makes you turn into a controlling person. Underlying this need to help or improve others could be low self-esteem that you’re avoiding by focusing on your partner’s faults. If you’re guilty of any of these 15 behaviors, you’re trying too hard to “fix” your partner and need to stop—it’s ruining your relationship and draining you.
1. You nag them all the time.
You might feel like your partner needs to improve on certain behaviors so that you’ll be happy in the relationship. But, pointing out their flaws and mistakes every day brings them down instead of encouraging them. Maybe you’re always telling them they’re being too bossy/loud/unreliable, but it comes across as negative and nagging. It’s also draining for you because then you feel like you’re the parent in the relationship.
2. You focus on your list of perfect-partner attributes.
Perhaps you have a long list of traits you’re looking for in a partner and you expect yours to tick all the boxes or you can’t be happy. Although it’s good to chase what you want, it’s unhealthy to put unrealistic expectations on someone else. Telling your partner that you always wanted someone who was good at DIY or who had a sparkly job might make them lose confidence. Your need to “fix” your partner is selfish. It ignores everything good they have to offer.
3. You don’t accept your partner for who they are right now.
Your partner isn’t a work in progress. If you can’t love them for who they are when you start dating them, it’s unfair to expect them to grow and change in the ways you want them to. For example, maybe you want your partner to hit the gym more so that they can become fitter, which will lead to a healthier lifestyle for both of you. Fine, but maybe your partner would rather veg out on the couch than do all that! You’re trying too hard to fix them and it’s leaving you both unsatisfied.
4. You believe if your partner changes, your relationship will improve.
You might be convinced that if your partner changes some of their negative traits or behaviors, you’ll be happier. This might be the case, but it still doesn’t mean that you can change them. Unless your partner decides to change for themselves, trying to “fix” them will just build disappointment and resentment. There’s also the chance that even if they do make those changes you want, you still won’t be happy. It’s time to take stock of what you really hope to gain from the relationship. Perhaps you’re spending too much time “fixing” your partner, demanding that they make you happy, instead of seeing that happiness is an inside job.
5. You give your partner unsolicited advice.
When your partner opens up to you about their problems, you’re quick to dole out advice even if they haven’t asked you for help. This comes across as rude and controlling, instead of supportive. It assumes that you know what’s best for your partner without considering their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives on the matter. Instead of “fixing” their life, your partner probably wants you to give them encouragement and love so that they can make their own choices.
6. You give your partner conditional love.
You might think that you can train your partner to change by giving them conditional affection and love. For example, if you want them to stop spending so much time with their mates and they cancel a boys’ night out, you might praise them and give them lots of physical affection. But, if your partner doesn’t do what you want, you might give them the silent treatment. This plays with their emotions and can make them feel like you’re manipulating them. Your need to change them is turning the relationship into a toxic power play.
7. You feel frustrated with your partner when they don’t change.
If your partner doesn’t change in the way you want them to, you might express disappointment and get angry with them. This shows that you’re trying too hard to control them or you feel a need to direct their choices, as though you believe you know what’s best for them. This can build resentment in your partner, who’s going through their personal journey. It’s also unfair to you because it makes you feel stressed and drained. Your relationship’s not supposed to zap your energy every day.
8. You make their changes about you.
You might be seeing your partner’s change as validation of your efforts or influence, instead of acknowledging their independence and agency in the process. This can lead to a sense of ownership over your partner’s growth. Perhaps you want to take credit for how they’ve become more ambitious, supportive, or honest. Yikes. If you’re making their changes about you, that’s not a good sign.
9. You give your partner ultimatums.
Maybe you sometimes threaten to leave the relationship, like saying, “If you don’t quit your drinking, I’m leaving” or “If you don’t call me more regularly, I’m going to end the relationship.” This can have unintended consequences, such as pushing away your partner or escalating relationship tension making it difficult to compromise and communicate. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, you should consider walking away instead of trying to force your partner to do what you want.
10. You try to get other people to help you change your partner.
If you’re so obsessed with changing your partner, you might reach out to mutual friends or loved ones to help you influence your partner to change. Woah! You’re violating your partner’s boundaries and disrespecting them. Although you might think other people will help your partner make positive improvements, this could backfire. It can make your partner feel like you’re controlling and manipulative, going behind their back to get what you want.
11. You guilt-trip them into changing.
Using guilt to make your partner change, like saying, “If you loved me, you’d change,” is manipulative. It can make your partner feel resentful and like they’re not good enough for you. One of the biggest problems with guilt-tripping is that it shuts down communication. Instead of addressing issues honestly, it creates an atmosphere of avoidance and defensiveness.
12. You feel like your partner reflects negatively on you.
You might be obsessed with “fixing” your partner because you’re trying to boost your self-esteem by improving them. Maybe you believe that if they had a better job, dressed better, or treated people more kindly, you’d feel better about being associated with them. However, this approach is self-serving and can come across as selfish. It’s primarily about your own needs. Instead, focus on what you can do to feel more confident and worth within yourself.
13. You’re constantly making excuses for their bad behavior.
If you’re always trying to brush off your partner’s bad behavior, in the hope that they’re going to change for you and you just have to be patient, you’re hurting yourself. Maybe you’re ignoring red flags or deal breakers because you’re desperate to make the relationship work. But, excusing their bad behavior doesn’t help your partner to change. Instead, it makes you settle for less than you deserve. It’s impossible to change anyone other than yourself. Ignoring their negative or toxic behaviors isn’t going to help, it’s just going to make you feel more miserable in your relationship.
14. You’re trying to fix them instead of focusing on your own personal growth.
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You might be trying to change your partner so much, they’ve become your latest hobby. But what about your life? You might be channeling all your hard work into “fixing” what you consider to be wrong with your partner instead of looking at yourself. They might be a distraction so you don’t have to deal with all the things you dislike about yourself or wish you could change about your life.
15. You’re giving and they’re taking.
When you’re always striving to “fix” someone else, you’re setting up relationship inequality. You’re doing everything to help your partner to change, but they could be taking advantage of your good deeds and efforts. You might also be giving so much to help your partner that you’re setting up a dynamic in which you’re the giver/rescuer and they’re the taker/victim. You’re so busy doing things to change your partner that you’re not really focusing on the relationship or your needs.
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