Whether you eventually want (or don’t want) to have children is entirely up to you and your partner—nobody else. This is why it’s frustrating when others want to get involved, especially if it’s your parents. It’s already apparent that your parents dream of having grandchildren, but this doesn’t mean they should pressure you into making that decision immediately. Here are several warning signs your parents are trying to manipulate your family planning.
1. They constantly bring it up in conversation.
How often do your parents talk about wanting grandchildren? Every time you see them? They couldn’t be any less obvious with their hint-dropping, right? If this is the case, then they’re trying to have a say in when you decide to have children. They want to be involved in the process, and they want you to make the move on their schedule.
2. They talk to your partner behind your back.
How close is your partner to your parents? Some partners get along great with their in-laws, while some have a more complicated dynamic. Perhaps your partner came to you the other day and told you that your parents had called them to talk about when you plan on having children. It’s one thing for them to harass you about it; it’s another thing entirely to cross the line and talk to your partner without you knowing.
3. They make you feel bad if you don’t take their advice.
Guilt-tripping is a classic parent move when they want their adult children to follow their advice. They’re probably still grieving the fact that you’re no longer their baby, and they want to, somehow, be able to hold onto a little bit of that past dynamic. Whatever their intentions, it’s still not okay for them to make you feel guilty for not deciding on children.
4. They constantly send you reading material.
How often do your parents email or text you with recommended family planning reading? Perhaps they came across a podcast related to this topic or saw a book at the library they think you should get. If you feel like your parents are constantly bombarding you with material related to having children, they could be trying to control this part of your life.
5. They choose your doctor and make you an appointment.
If your parents are hovering over you and your partner when it comes to family planning, they might even choose the doctor they think you should go with. Maybe they think that if they recommend a good doctor, it’ll push you to make a decision. Or maybe they’ve even made you an appointment, making it harder for you to back out.
6. They gift you baby-related items for holidays.
Your parents don’t traditionally give much thought to holiday gifts. However, last holiday season, they gave you a bunch of baby clothes, which you thought was not only strange but specific. You don’t have a baby and don’t plan on having one anytime soon, so this is a weird move on their part.
7. They blackmail you.
If your parents have helped you out financially in the past, they might be holding this over your head when the topic of babies comes up. Maybe they’ve promised to pay for the best OB/GYN if you and your partner decide to start trying, or perhaps they said they’ll go halves on a house with you as long as you have kids in the next few years. Whatever their offer, this is blackmail.
8. They overstep your privacy boundaries.
Do your parents snoop around when they come over to visit? Maybe they volunteer to get the mail for you, or they ask you to use your computer and then rifle through your emails to see what’s the latest. They want to see how close you are to making a decision on having kids, and they’re just trying to get in your head.
9. They compare you to your sibling.
Perhaps you have a sister who already has children. Every time your family and hers get together with your parents, you find them comparing you to her. Your mom slips in comments about how good of a mother your sister is and how much better your life would be if you were a mother, too. Ugh.
10. They share your personal details with their friends.
The last time you and your partner were at your parent’s house, they had their friends over for dinner, too. You kept having to give your mom dirty looks because she would lean over and share details about your relationship with her friends. She also shared with everyone how they hope to have more grandchildren in the near future—wink, wink.
11. They don’t listen when you share your wishes with them.
It feels like you’ve told your parents a hundred times that you and your partner aren’t ready to have children yet. You’ve explained the reasons why, and yet, for some reason, they don’t listen. They nod and seem to take it in, but then turn around and act like they didn’t hear you.
12. They get your in-laws involved.
Your parents aren’t particularly close with your partner’s parents. They’ve met them a few times, but they’ve never shown any signs of being closer than acquaintances. However, lately, you feel like they’re always asking your partner about them and talking about having them over for dinner. This is a sign they’re trying to get the in-laws in your ear about babies—strength in numbers, right?
13. They buy you pregnancy tests.
This is perhaps one of the biggest hints that your parents are trying to get too involved in the family planning process. The last time you asked your mom to pick you up a couple of things from the grocery store, she also bought you a pregnancy test, claiming that you might need to use it soon. Very subtle.
14. They set up the spare room.
You thought things looked strange the last time you were at your parent’s house. You noticed they had tidied up the spare room where they usually store long-forgotten items. Your mom said they would paint it and even put a crib in there for “when the time comes.”
15. They go from full-time to part-time work.
Your parents have always been hard workers, and they have no plans to retire anytime soon. In the last couple of months, though, they’ve told you that they plan on going down to part-time by the end of the year so they can be “more available.”
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