Healthy relationships involve give and take, but some people shovel up everything they can get and never give anything in return. They may be charming and shower you with attention initially, at least until they get what they want. This isn’t always conscious on their part, but the result is the same – you feel drained, resentful, and questioning your own worth if this becomes a pattern. Here’s how you know someone is using you.
1. They’re only around when they need something.
If they need help moving, you’re their best buddy! However, if you need a shoulder to cry on after a breakup? Crickets… They disappear after you’ve provided the favor, only to resurface with a new ask. True friends are there for the good times and the bad — none of this fair-weather nonsense.
2. Listening is optional in your interactions.
You try to talk about your day, and they quickly steer the conversation back to their own problems. Your feelings are minimized, or met with platitudes instead of true support. You might as well be talking to a wall, as there’s zero effort to actually understand or engage with you as a person.
3. They love to gossip, especially about mutual friends.
One minute they’re trash-talking someone to you, the next they’re BFFs with that person. This pattern reveals that they see people as tools, not individuals, Verywell Mind notes. If they’ll do it to others, rest assured they’ll do it to you the moment it benefits them.
4. They guilt-trip you to get what they want.
“Nobody else cares about me like you do” or playing the martyr when you try to set a boundary are a few of their favorite tricks. Users manipulate your empathy, making saying “no” feel like you’re abandoning them. This pressure tactic is designed to override your own needs and keep you in “always giving” mode.
5. “Favors” are never repaid, not even symbolically.
You drove them to the airport at 5 a.m., but a simple “thank you” is too much to expect. They constantly “forget” their wallet when it’s time to pay, leaving you to pick up the tab. There’s an imbalance, a sense of entitlement, as if your time and resources are just there for their taking.
6. Your successes are ignored or make them weirdly competitive.
If you get a promotion at work, they’ll downplay it, or find a way to one-up your achievement. Users struggle with genuine happiness for other people, as it threatens their need to be the center of attention. Healthy relationships involve celebrating each other’s achievements, so what’s their problem?
7. Their apologies are insincere or nonexistent.
They hurt your feelings, but it’s all about how you “misunderstood” them. Taking responsibility would require them to admit they’re not the perfect, caring person they pretend to be. Users manipulate situations to avoid ever being the “bad guy” in the story.
8. They exploit your vulnerabilities.
If they know you’re insecure about your job, they’ll casually offer to connect you with their super successful friend who just so happens to be hiring. This dangles hope, keeping you eager to please. It’s rarely genuine, but more like a carrot to keep you meeting their needs.
9. They play the comparison game to make you feel inadequate.
“My ex used to ALWAYS buy me flowers,” they claim. Or, maybe they’re always subtly bragging about how much their other friends adore them. This plants the seed of insecurity, making you work harder to prove your value and earn their approval. It’s a nasty tactic designed to keep you focused on their wants, not your own worth.
10. Gaslighting is their go-to manipulation tool.
“I never said that!” or “You’re too sensitive, I was just joking!” come out of their mouth multiple times a week. They deny your reality, making you question your own memory and perceptions. This gradually destroys your self-trust, which makes you easier to control, Psych Central warns. If you constantly doubt your own sanity around someone, that’s a major red flag.
11. They isolate you from other friends or family.
They may badmouth those close to you, sowing discord, or express a dislike of you spending time with other people. This is about control. The less outside support you have, the more dependent you become on them, limiting your chances of someone else helping you see their true colors.
12. They’re masters of intermittent reinforcement.
Just when you’re about to walk away, they shower you with affection or offer a thoughtful gesture. This rollercoaster keeps you hooked, scrambling for those good moments, and excusing the bad ones as them just having an “off” day. Users know how to dispense just enough validation to keep you coming back for more.
13. Your boundaries are seen as an inconvenience, not respected.
If you won’t give them all your social media passwords, they accuse you of being secretive, or they pressure you to break plans with other people to always be at their beck and call. Healthy people get that you have a life beyond them! Users view boundaries as obstacles, not as a natural part of relationships.
14. They rewrite history to paint themselves as the victim.
If you call them out on a broken promise, suddenly it’s your fault for having unrealistic expectations. Confront them about flirting with someone else? They accuse you of being unreasonably jealous. This twisting of narratives is designed to confuse you and avoid taking accountability for their actions.
15. They lack empathy when you’re genuinely hurting.
True friends offer comfort, even if they don’t fully understand what you’re going through. Users see your pain as an annoyance, as it forces them to temporarily shift the spotlight away from their own needs. Your emotions might trigger defensiveness or even anger on their part.
16. They have a pattern of similar “failed” friendships or relationships.
There’s always a dramatic backstory about why others have “wronged” them. Listen closely because this is likely the narrative they’ll spin about YOU when the relationship inevitably blows up. Users rarely accept their role in their own social turmoil.
17. You start making excuses for their poor behavior.
“They had a rough childhood” or “They’re just going through a stressful time” become your default explanations. While empathy is good, chronic excuse-making for someone else is often a sign you’re over-functioning in the relationship, and minimizing the harm they cause.
18. You feel drained and anxious around them, even if you can’t pinpoint why.
Our bodies are smart! That constant low-level unease is your intuition screaming at you. Users are exhausting, as you’re always trying to decipher their moods, avoid triggering them, and seeking those crumbs of validation. Listen to that gut feeling; it’s there for a reason!
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