There are many reasons why someone might be scared of intimacy. They may have grown up in a household where no love was shown, have low self-esteem, or perhaps they’ve been scarred from past relationships so they’re afraid of getting close to anyone. Whatever the reason, someone with a fear of intimacy will often do the following things.
1. They won’t talk about their feelings
Someone who is afraid of intimacy will usually shut down whenever you ask them about their feelings. If you ask them how they feel about something or if they’re okay, you can expect them to shrug it off or simply say “I’m fine”. They’re afraid of opening up and getting close to you, so their defense mechanism is to shut down every time.
2. They won’t talk about the past
The past can be a difficult topic for some people with a fear of intimacy. Talking about the past will welcome you in to see the darkest parts of themselves, and this is often too overwhelming. Not to mention that the more you tell someone about your past, the closer you will likely become. To avoid getting too close, they’ll probably avoid talking to you about it entirely.
3. They pretend not to care
The sad thing about people with intimacy issues is they put on a façade to conceal their true feelings. After all, it’s easier to pretend that you don’t care than actually open up about how you really feel. This person might pretend they don’t care about a relationship or a friendship to spare themselves from getting too close to someone and getting hurt.
4. They sabotage relationships
People who are afraid of intimacy will often sabotage personal relationships. And we’re not just talking about romantic relationships, but friendships too. Part of them wants to get close to other people, but the other part of them that’s afraid pulls them back. They will create problems out of nothing and sometimes start arguments as an excuse to pull away from the relationship.
5. They fall for the wrong people
People with intimacy issues will often be drawn to the wrong people. The ones who are unavailable, toxic, or can never commit to a relationship. They do this because they secretly don’t want to be in a relationship, either. They know they can’t open up to anyone and begin a serious relationship, so they sabotage it instead. It’s just easier that way.
6. They run away from the right people
Sadly, it’s not uncommon for someone with a fear of intimacy to run away from a relationship before it even begins. They get into a cycle—they meet someone who they like and they enjoy their company, but before they can let themselves get too close, they pull back quickly. They either run away or ghost them completely.
7. They remain a closed book
People with intimacy issues often hide their true selves. You might know where they work and what they ate for dinner, but you won’t know about their past, their dreams, or their deep desires. They’ll keep all of those things hidden from you as a way to protect themselves. The less you know about them, the less likely they’ll end up getting hurt.
8. They avoid small gatherings
At smaller gatherings, you’re more likely to be roped into conversations. As there are fewer people there, there’s nowhere you can hide and you become exposed. Well, for someone with a fear of intimacy, this is their worst nightmare. They don’t like “cozy” spaces where things can get intimate. They prefer large gatherings because they can hide behind others and easily blend in with the crowd.
9. They ghost you
While ghosting someone can seem like a rude thing to do, it’s not always the case for those with intimacy issues. It’s not that they don’t want to show up and talk to you, it’s just that they’re too scared of opening up and getting too attached. They would rather fall off the face of the earth than admit to how they really feel.
10. They’re always rescheduling
You make plans with them, build up your hopes, and then you get a text saying, “Sorry, I can’t make it! Can we reschedule?” It happens time and time again. Well, even though a part of them really wants to see you and spend time with you, a bigger part of them senses danger. They try to build up their courage but when it comes down to it, they can’t go through with it.
11. They often seem happy
Something that many people don’t realize about those with a fear of intimacy is they often present as happy people who have their lives together. This is a front so you don’t ask them how they’re feeling. If other people assume that their life is perfect, then no questions will be asked, which prevents them from having to open up and reveal stuff about themselves.
12. They find fault in every relationship
As a form of self-sabotage, someone who is afraid of intimacy will find a problem with every person they ever date. They are too loud, too quiet, too boring, too spontaneous. Deep down, they know they can’t meet this ‘perfect’ person, but that’s because they don’t want to. They don’t feel ready for that kind of intimacy, therefore, it’s easier to place the blame on the other person and walk away.
13. They bury themselves in work
People with a fear of intimacy will distract themselves with work and other commitments rather than focus on their personal relationships. Work is relatively straightforward compared to relationships. You’re given tasks, you complete them, and then you get to go home and leave them at the office. Whereas with relationships, you have to open up, trust the other person, and let them see the darkest parts of you. That’s simply too much for a person with intimacy issues.
14. They avoid saying “I love you”
Someone afraid of intimacy might feel uncomfortable or embarrassed when someone tells them they love them. They’re likely to avoid saying it back, too. Telling someone you love them, whether it’s platonic or romantic, is a big gesture. It’s offering an invitation to get closer to them. And for those with intimacy issues, this is a step too far.
15. They change to fit the situation
People who are afraid of intimacy are often social chameleons. They’ll change who they are and how they act depending on the people they’re with. And the reason they do this is because they’ve become so used to hiding their true selves, that they don’t know who they are anymore. Therefore, they start to mirror other people. This helps them “fit in,” but at the expense of losing themselves.
Enjoy this piece? Give it a like and follow PsychLove on MSN for more!
