When it comes to arguments with your partner, saying certain things ends up being the equivalent of throwing gasoline on a fire. Below are some of the worst ones that will inevitably escalate situations instead of resolving them. If you want to resolve issues instead of making them a lot worse, avoid these phrases altogether. It’s for your own good (and the good of your relationship).
1. “You always…” or “You never…”
These sweeping generalizations cause instant defensiveness, The Gottman Institute notes. Rarely are things this black and white. Even if your frustration feels justified in the moment, focusing on past behavior takes away from addressing the conflict at hand. Instead, try: “When you [specific behavior], it makes me feel [your emotion].” This zeroes in on the present issue without making your partner feel like everything they do is wrong.
2. “You’re so (negative personality trait).”
Name-calling is middle-school level fighting. Attacking your partner’s character, calling them childish, dramatic, impossible, etc., turns a disagreement into a personal assault. Focus on the specific behavior, not labeling the entire person. Try something along the lines of, “I’m having trouble understanding your perspective, can you try explaining it in a different way?” This opens up the lines of communication instead of tearing them down.
3. Bringing up the past, especially unrelated past fights
Dragging old baggage into the current fight is a recipe for things to spiral out of control. It becomes impossible to focus on the present issue when you’re piling on a history of resentments. Stay focused! Ask yourself, is bringing this up right now going to help solve what’s happening now or just distract and derail the conversation? Chances are, it’s the latter every single time.
4. “Whatever! I don’t even care.”
This dismissive phrase shuts down communication entirely. Even if you’re truly hurt, using this eye-roll-worthy line only shows contempt and makes your partner feel like their concerns don’t matter. Instead of pretending not to care, try expressing your hurt in a vulnerable way: “Ouch, that really hurts my feelings. Can we try talking about this instead of giving up?”
5. Threatening to leave or bringing up divorce/breakup
Using the relationship itself as leverage is emotional manipulation. Unless you truly are at the end of your rope, throwing around this threat creates insecurity and makes conflict resolution nearly impossible. Instead of the nuclear option, express the seriousness of the issue without the ultimatum. Go for something like, “This is a major issue for me, and if we can’t find a way to work through it, I worry about our future together.” This makes it clear that what’s happening is serious without making it seem like a threat.
6. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
Invalidating your partner’s feelings is guaranteed to make them escalate. We all have different sensitivities. Just because you think something is minor doesn’t mean it is to them. Try showing empathy instead of dismissal: “I didn’t realize this was so important to you. Can you help me understand why it bothers you so much?”
7. The silent treatment
Stonewalling your partner with the silent treatment creates a hostile atmosphere and solves nothing. It sends the message that you find them and their feelings unworthy of even acknowledging, making genuine conflict resolution impossible. Even if you need space to cool off, communicate that need: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a 20-minute break and revisit this later?” The most successful relationships know just how important communication is to keep things going.
8. Sarcasm or a mocking tone of voice
Yeah, sarcasm might feel good in the moment, but it’s a quick way to turn a disagreement nasty. It masks your hurt with cruelty and puts the focus on belittling your partner rather than addressing the problem. Even if you feel they’re being unreasonable, try modeling the respectful communication you wish you were receiving: “I really want to find a solution here; can we try talking without making fun of each other?”
9. “You’re just overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.”
Minimizing your partner’s emotions makes them feel unheard and foolish. Everyone’s emotional threshold is different, and respecting how they feel is key to resolving issues. Instead of invalidating them, try some gentle validation: “It seems like this is really upsetting you. I may not totally get it, but I want to try. Can you explain it to me?”
10. “Well, if you hadn’t [behavior], then I wouldn’t have…”
Shifting blame prevents any form of accountability. It’s okay to explain how your partner’s actions contribute to an issue, but this phrasing turns it into a tit-for-tat blame game, not a solution-oriented discussion. Focus on taking ownership of your own part, then communicate your needs: “I get angry and lash out sometimes too, but I need to feel safe expressing myself without fear of yelling. Can we work on that together?”
11. “That’s not what I meant!”
Maybe it’s not what you intended, but impact matters more than intent. If your words hurt your partner, saying this brushes off their feelings. Take ownership, even if you didn’t mean to cause harm: “Ouch, I’m sorry that came out wrong. That’s definitely not what I meant, and I can see why it hurt you. Let me try rephrasing that.”
12. Comparing your partner to your ex, family members, or anyone else, really
Bringing up how your ex was better at something, or how your mom would never act this way is a low blow. It creates insecurity and makes your partner feel unappreciated for who they are. Nobody wants to compete with ghosts of relationships past or be held to some impossible standard. Focus on the person in front of you, flaws and all – they chose you, too!
13. “You’re acting crazy!”
Gaslighting your partner by suggesting they’re irrational or insane is incredibly harmful. It undermines their trust in their own perception of reality and makes them doubt their sanity. This is about control, not healthy disagreement. Instead, even if you don’t understand their reaction, try to see it from their side: “Whoa, you seem really upset about this. I’m not sure I understand, can you help me see your perspective?”
14. “I can’t win with you!” or “Nothing I do is ever good enough!”
Playing the victim role derails chance at a productive discussion/resolution, PsychCentral notes. It shuts down the conversation and makes it about how hard you have it, not addressing the issue at hand. Everyone messes up sometimes, and a healthy relationship involves addressing mistakes without turning it into some kind of martyrdom.
15. “I’m starting to think this relationship isn’t worth it.”
Bringing up the viability of the relationship during every disagreement erodes the foundation of security and trust. It feels manipulative and makes addressing everyday problems seem pointless, like, why bother fixing things if you might just walk away at any second? Unless you seriously mean it, don’t threaten the foundation of what you’ve built together over fixable disagreements.
16. “My friends/family agree with me…”
Ganging up on your partner makes them feel isolated and creates an “us vs. them” mentality. While it’s okay to seek advice outside your relationship, using your support system as a weapon against your partner during a fight is unfair. It should be about the two of you working through something together, not pitting your whole network against them.
17. “Can you just calm down?”
Telling your partner to control their emotions, especially when they’re genuinely upset, is condescending and disrespectful. It might be the go-to phrase when someone’s emotional, but it often has the opposite effect, fueling their anger further. Instead, create space for them to express themselves. If they’re truly getting out of control, calmly suggest taking a break to self-soothe, but don’t tell them their feelings are wrong or need to be stifled.
18. “There you go again, starting a fight!”
Accusing your partner of always being combative creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes them feel like any time they express a need or disagreement, they’ll be labeled as difficult. This shuts down healthy communication and makes them scared to bring up any issues for fear of being painted as the “problem starter” in the relationship. It’s okay to set boundaries if they’re truly attacking you, but distinguish genuine attempts at communication from intentionally causing fights.
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