Healthy debate is great, but the type of person we’re talking about isn’t interested in exchanging ideas – they’re committed to the illusion of being the smartest person in the room. It’s more about ego than genuine curiosity. Spotting their tactics helps you disengage quickly and gracefully.
1. They dismiss opposing opinions out of hand.
There’s no room for complexities or alternative perspectives. You present evidence contrary to their viewpoint, and they brush it off with “that source is biased” or “you’re not looking at the big picture.” It’s not a genuine conversation, it’s about defending their position.
2. They twist your words to fit their argument.
If you take a nuanced stance, they latch onto one phrase and exaggerate it to create a straw-man argument that’s easy to knock down. Nuance is their enemy, as they need everything boiled down to simplistic right and wrong to maintain control.
3. They constantly interrupt.
They can’t let you finish a thought before cutting you off. This isn’t enthusiasm, it’s a tactic to disrupt your train of thought and throw you off balance. It makes you less likely to mount a coherent counter-argument, ensuring they dominate the conversation.
4. They derail conversations with tangents.
The second you seem to be gaining ground, they switch gears entirely. This could involve bringing up an old, unresolved issue from the past or shifting focus to another person’s flaws. It’s designed to derail productive conversation and maintain the upper hand.
5. They love to play the “devil’s advocate”.
They’ll defend an outrageous or harmful viewpoint, then hide behind “just trying to stimulate debate!” when challenged. This allows them to espouse questionable ideas without taking responsibility, and puts you on the defensive having to justify why their stance is wrong.
6. They use jargon or overly technical language to obscure their point.
They throw around big words or industry-specific terms to seem more intelligent. When asked to clarify, they act condescending, implying you’re not smart enough to grasp the complexity of their argument (even if they barely understand it!).
7. They appeal to authority rather than logic.
“My dad, who’s super successful, said…” or “I read an article once…” are their go-to arguments. It’s about borrowed credibility, not whether the information itself is sound. They rely on external sources to validate their viewpoint, rather than constructing well-reasoned arguments themselves.
8. They resort to personal insults when they start losing.
When facts don’t support their side, they get nasty. Comments about your intelligence, experience, or character are launched, designed to hurt you more than advance the discussion. This is a sign they know they’re losing and are resorting to emotional attacks to save face.
9. They claim to be “just brutally honest” to excuse their rudeness.
There’s a difference between constructive feedback and being a jerk. They conflate being hurtful with being truthful because it justifies their mean-spirited commentary. Instead of taking responsibility for their lack of tact, they paint themselves as courageously telling it like it is.
10. They take even the most casual disagreement as a personal attack.
You suggest trying a different restaurant than their favorite, and they spiral into a rant about how you’re always criticizing them. Their ego is so fragile that any hint of contradiction feels like a direct character assassination.
11. They don’t care about actually solving problems, they just want to prove they were right.
Even when their wrong-headed solution blows up in their face, they’ll shift the blame or spin it to somehow prove their initial point was still correct. Admitting being wrong would cause a catastrophic collapse of their carefully constructed “always right” persona.
12. They must have the last word.
Even after you’ve disengaged, they sneak in one final dig. They can’t let it go! This compulsion to have the final zinger is proof that it was never about the discussion itself, but about their need to “win” at all costs.
13. They bring up your past mistakes to discredit you.
This is an underhanded tactic to undermine your current credibility. That time you got lost on a road trip years ago becomes evidence as to why you shouldn’t be trusted with directions ever again, regardless of how unrelated it may be to the current topic at hand.
14. They’re sore losers AND sore winners.
If they’re right, they’ll obnoxiously gloat. If they’re wrong, they’ll sulk or make excuses about why it doesn’t count. There is no scenario where interacting with them after a decision (even a minor one) feels pleasant.
15. They expect praise and admiration for being correct, even about trivial things.
“I told you that would happen!” they smugly pronounce, expecting a trophy for their basic powers of observation. Knowing something factual isn’t a personality trait, but they desperately crave validation for their self-perceived intelligence.
16. They suck the joy out of shared experiences with their contrarian behavior.
Movie was great? They’ll dissect its flaws. Delicious meal? They’ll focus on how elsewhere it’s better. Their constant need to prove their sophisticated tastes leaves no room for simple enjoyment, making even fun events feel draining.
17. Their apologies, if they ever give them, are insincere.
“I’m sorry IF you were offended,” is a non-apology apology. They’ll rarely admit fault directly, as it contradicts their flawless self-image. Any concession is framed in a way that subtly places the blame back on you for being too sensitive.
18. They erode trust over time.
You start double-checking even the most basic information they give you, as they have a habit of getting details wrong but stubbornly defending their version. Needing proof for every assertion they make is exhausting, eroding the ease that most relationships are built on.
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