While some children grow up with loving and doting parents who spend ample time with them, others have absent parents. Perhaps their parents work full-time, they have a single parent who is busy providing for them, or their parents have other things that keep them from having time to deal with the children they brought into this world. We’re not here to judge — everyone does what they think is right for them in this life journey. However, if you grew up with parents who didn’t give you their time or show you much affection, there could be signs of that in how you behave as an adult.
1. You have low self-esteem.
Having loving adults around us as we grow up helps build self-esteem. If your parents pushed you away when you were looking for affection, it likely messed with your confidence and self-worth. If you ever questioned whether your parents loved you, there’s a good chance you now struggle with determining whether you’re lovable to anyone. The answer is: You are!
2. Emotions are a struggle.
It isn’t easy to learn how to deal with your emotions when you grow up with adults who don’t give you enough affection or attention. If your parents pushed you away when you looked for hugs and kisses, you may have issues with romantic emotions. For those who had parents who didn’t talk to them much, you might keep all of your feelings to yourself, letting them build up inside until you’re ready to explode.
3. You’re not sure what love is.
When you grow up without much affection, you don’t get a chance to learn much about love. For many who feel unloved and ignored when they’re young, any attention feels like it could be love. That means that even a relationship with someone who doesn’t have your best interests in mind can lead to attachment and love until you realize you’re being hurt rather than cared for. It is possible to learn what love is when you find the right friends and partners who will show you.
4. Intimacy makes no sense to you.
For many, intimacy begins with our parents. When they kiss us goodnight and tuck us in, we learn what it’s like to be cared for. If your parents or caregivers didn’t show you this kind of affection or have deep conversations about life, you may find intimacy a struggle. You can learn to be more open with the people in your adult life; take it slow.
5. It’s hard to trust anyone.
There are many untrustworthy people in the world, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t trust anyone. When you grow up without much affection, and especially if your caregivers harm you in any way (physically or mentally), it can be difficult to learn to trust the people who come into your life. The key is to learn to ease into trusting people — let them earn it first.
6. You’re attention-seeking.
When you don’t get much attention as a child, it can make you seek attention as an adult. The problem is that you may not care what type of attention or affection you get. You may attract people who take advantage of your need to have someone in your life.
7. You often find yourself in dysfunctional relationships.
Because you spent at least a portion of your childhood without affection, it’s not difficult to believe you may find yourself attracted to withdrawn or aloof people. You may attract narcissists if a narcissist raised you, or you may look to continue the cycles of abuse you grew up in by finding people who treat you that same way.
8. Boundaries are a struggle.
Creating boundaries is a great way to build trust in new and old relationships, Stanford University explains. Boundaries help us protect ourselves mentally and physically. However, you may not have learned much about boundaries as a child, so it’s essential to do your research now. While you don’t want to build impenetrable walls, you do want to have doors that you can lock when someone doesn’t deserve space in your life.
9. You’re depressed, stressed, and have anxiety.
All kinds of things cause stress, depression, and anxiety in our lives, but they can be exacerbated by the way we grew up and were raised. You may be more on edge, find it harder to let go of things, or try too hard at perfection, which causes issues for you mentally as you struggle to find balance in your life. These things can be worked through with the right circle of friends and perhaps some therapy.
10. You respond awkwardly to compliments.
For those of us who did not receive much affection in childhood, we likely didn’t receive many compliments. You may have been more likely to hear how you did everything wrong than what you did right. Because of this, when someone does compliment you, it could be more embarrassing than anything. This is an excellent time to remember that nobody is perfect. Start getting used to accolades by saying, “Thank you.”
11. Being affectionate eludes you.
We’re looking at intimacy and affection as two different things here. Intimacy requires a feeling of deep understanding between you and another person. At the same time, affection can be as simple as a kiss on the forehead when you’re feeling under the weather. When your partner tries to hold your hand or kiss you in public, and you feel uncomfortable about it, this shows that you have some issues with affection.
12. You prefer being independent.
No affection from caregivers equals learning how to take care of yourself. That independence in childhood can lead to you wanting to always do everything for yourself in adulthood, even when you could use some help. You don’t have to give up your independence entirely, but learning to ask for assistance when you need it can go a long way in making your life easier.
13. You’re an overachiever.
You may feel as though you have something to prove. Because of this, you push yourself to be the best at everything you do. People probably even take advantage of your need to overachieve by asking you to do more than you’re required to do, whether at work or in a relationship.
14. You feel as though you’re unlovable.
When you don’t get much affection in your childhood, you start to feel like there’s something wrong with you. The thing is, everyone is lovable. You only need to find the right people to surround yourself with to realize that you have much to offer the world.
15. You believe you’re a failure.
Feeling like a failure can stem from all sorts of things, from those feelings of being unlovable to your need to be an overachiever. If you try to do too much and fail, you may feel like you can’t do anything right. After all, your childhood caregivers didn’t seem to care for you much, so you must have done something wrong, right?
16. You want to make everyone happy.
One way you may try to find more love in your life and feel like a success is to make everyone around you happy, often at your own expense. Before you focus on making others happy, it is important to work on your own happiness. This also comes into play in your work life, where you may do more than everyone else because you’re trying to prove yourself and ensure your superiors are happy with your performance.
17. Helping others feels like your life mission.
You didn’t get affection as a child, so as an adult, you want to ensure everyone in your life has everything they need. This goes beyond trying to make everyone happy. You may find yourself drawn to people with health and mental issues that you think you can help them with. While you may be an excellent listener and perhaps even a natural healer, be sure you heal yourself first.
