If you’ve never been in a romantic relationship with or lived in the same house as a narcissist, you may not be familiar with how far a narcissist will go to maintain their image and control. They will tell people anything to keep themselves from looking bad or seeming incompetent. According to the Mayo Clinic, part of their mental health condition is that they have an “unreasonably high sense of their own importance.” And whenever that sense of importance is threatened, a narcissist will tell some truly shocking lies to keep you and whoever else is in their circle under their control.
1. “No one will love you like I love you.”
This phrase is meant to isolate you from people who truly love and care about you. By making you feel like no one else “gets you” or gives you the love you deserve, a narcissist keeps you dependent on them for emotional validation.
2. “You’re just being paranoid and insecure.”
Narcissists are masters of gaslighting. If you try to call them out for anything — from flaking on you to cheating on you — they will immediately turn things around to be your fault. It’s much easier to keep you under their control when you can’t believe your own mind.
3. “You never want to do what I want to do.”
Healthy relationships are defined by good communication and a balance between the desires of the two parties. But narcissists need all of their relationships to be completely about them. Instead of allowing your wants and needs to exist, they will play the victim and gaslight you into thinking their wants and needs are being ignored.
4. “Your family is manipulating you.”
In a further bid to isolate you and make you completely reliant on them, a narcissist will attempt to turn you against your family. Suddenly, you start seeing how your mom always guilts you into coming to family dinners and your sister only calls when she wants something. But guess who always seems to be there for you and never hesitates to point out how your family uses you? Yes, the ever-so-helpful narcissist in your life.
5. “You don’t really care about me.”
No matter how devoted you are to a narcissist, they will always need more from you. According to Verywell Mind, the second part of the narcissist abuse cycle is the Devaluation Stage, where a narcissist will start making you feel like you’ve done something wrong and hurt their feelings. This stage is meant to put you in a state of insecurity so you will reaffirm your devotion to them.
6. “You should have known.”
This is another common lie a narcissist will tell during the Devaluation Stage. After they’ve put significant effort into love bombing you, you will start to think that they know you better than anyone else. But when you forget to do something for them, no matter how small, the narcissist in your life will immediately accuse you of not knowing them as well as they know you. What they’re really asking is for you to read their mind, an impossible task.
7. “Why do you always have to start fights?”
Fighting with a narcissist always feels like a lose-lose situation. When you are trying to have a normal conversation about, let’s say, where you want to go for dinner. You mention you don’t want to go back to the restaurant they suggested last time because you didn’t like it. Suddenly, you’re fighting. You’ve threatened their reputation, and now they have to defend it. But you didn’t feel that strongly about dinner plans in the first place. Yet, you’re both yelling, and you’re trying to find a way out of this fight when your narcissist partner/friend says, “Why do you always have to start fights?” If they have you securely under their control, you probably can’t remember who started the fight.
8. “You had one job, and you screwed it up!”
Narcissists are opportunistic in their belittling and devaluation. Even if you only made a minor mistake, they will take the chance to call you out for the “one job” they thought they could trust you with and you “completely screwed up.”
9. “I can’t help myself because I am/I have [insert mental disorder].”
While very few narcissists are capable of recognizing their mental disorder, they will absolutely claim to have other mental disorders or illnesses to make excuses for their behavior. The excuse of another mental health issue helps them maintain the image they have of themselves, and it will manipulate you into feeling sympathetic towards them.
10. “I was abused as a child.”
Similar to admitting to a mental health issue they don’t have, a narcissist also won’t hesitate to claim they were abused to excuse whatever behavior you are questioning. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they weren’t abused, but they are using a seeming display of vulnerability to manipulate you. It’s much harder to be critical of a person’s bad conduct when they frame it as a trauma response.
11. “I do everything for you.”
As a narcissist draws you into their circle of manipulation, they want you to believe that you need them more than you actually do. If they can successfully isolate you from your family and friends, you might fall into their trap. You can’t leave them — who else is going to take you to the doctor or pick you up from the airport?
12. “You’re not like the person I first met.”
In fights, a common general flaw a narcissist will bring up is that you’ve changed since you two met. Implying that they haven’t changed. They have a perfect version of you they created during the first Idealization Stage of the narcissist cycle, and every time you stray from this version, they have ammunition to further devalue you.
13. “Why can’t you do anything right?”
After the Idealization Stage, this kind of accusation can seem particularly shocking. You might ask, “But last week I thought you said I could do nothing wrong?” The cycle works so well because, by the time a narcissist starts cutting you down, you are feeling very confident and happy about your relationship. The gaslighting and careful manipulation put you in a vulnerable position where you were trying to get back what was suddenly taken from you.
14. “No one knows the real you like I do.”
It is part of the social contract to act accordingly in different social situations, but a narcissist knows how to weaponize this normal behavior. They will emotionally blackmail you, letting you think that the things you do and say in private will get back to your bosses, teachers, or parents.
15. “You’re my soulmate.”
A narcissist is incapable of having a soulmate besides themselves. But during the Idealization Stage, they will tell you this to further bind you to them. Have you ever struggled not to say “I love you” back to a partner who said it first? That struggle couples with your efforts to see through a narcissist’s seeming adoration. No wonder it’s extremely difficult to not agree with them.
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